I Wish You Knew [Haylor]

Chapter 44

I looked down at the floor and I found my guitar under my bed. I decided to pick it up and strummed it. It's been a while. I never sang in front of everybody, but I sang in the shower.

One way to express my feelings was to strummed my guitar and sing something that matches with my feelings. Well, sometimes I would write down my own song but it's hard to find the perfect chords for it.

I never thought I'll play this guitar and sing again. I stopped singing when I was about fifteen. Then I never sing again, at least in front of everybody. I still sing to myself but it's hard to express it to everybody, especially the one I know.

I start looking for some piece of paper that I throw in my box full of different things. There's pictures and papers, that I don't really look up to anymore.

I found something I don't want to look at. It's a ring, the butterfly ring he gave to me. I put it on my vanity, I don't want to lose it. I've been trying to find it but I just can't find it anywhere. And when I don't want to find it, I found it instead.

I decided to write my own song. It wouldn't be that bad. Sometimes when I want to express my feelings, I let it out with a song. I don't always sing it, I just write it down. I already have the chords, but I don't want to sing it. I kept it a secret for a long time and when I'm ready I would sing it. I have a bunch of paper, it's full with my song. It's not a form of a letter, it's a song.

"I'm so glad, you made time to see me.

How's life? Tell me how's your family.

I haven't seen them in a while..."

I stopped and wiped my tears away. I got emotional easily when I wrote a song, especially when I wrote for someone that matters a lot.

I pushed him away, it's my fault. If I could go back in time, maybe I'll stop running away from him.

The mistake he had done is nothing compare to this. You know why? because I left him like a piece of shit. I didn't even say a goodbye, I didn't contact him at all. The last thing I know was our goodbye was our goodbye.

I avoided people as much as I can. I don't have any interactions with people around me, I pushed all of them away. My family, my friends, even when they didn't do anything to hurt me. I pushed them away.

This is all my fault, and my regression is eating me up. I don't like to wake up with regret but I have to deal with it for half months. It hurts to wake up feeling bad full with mistake.

My life is full with mistake, beautiful mistakes, bad mistakes. Nothing is right. It was all bad.

That's why I pushed people away, because I don't want to hurt them like I already did. By pushing them away, I'm hurting the one I loved. I don't understand why I hurt someone when I know it hurts like crap.

I'm heartless. I'm careless.

He might have cheated on me, he might have left me all alone, but he did say a proper goodbye. He told me he loves me, he hugged me. And I didn't. I left him alone on that December morning, the cold storming December. I should've known that I needed him, I accidentally  missed him.

He did a mistake, but he apologized in the number of time that I can't counted. Can I blame him? No, I can't. Because this time it was all my fault.

When people said it was his fault, it was all his fault. That's why I ran away, that's why I cried. That's not true. I'm scared of myself.

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Author's Note :

Who's side are you on? Taylor or Harry?