Finding Yourself

chapter 60

It was almost closing time at the coffee shop. Mrs B and a few other people were the only ones left in the shop which gave me a head start on cleaning the tables. The bell chimed and the familiar sound of Harrys boots dragging on the floor made me smile before I even turned around.

"What are you doing here?" I smiled.

"I'll leave if you want." He said with a silly pout on his face.

I kissed his lips, leaving a smile on his face.

"What time do you finish?"

"In about half hour." I said glancing at the clock.

"I'll wait for you then." He said pulling out a chair and sitting down. "I'm going out with Niall and Louis tonight, you don't mind do you?"

"Harry, I'm your girlfriend, not your mum, do what you want." I laughed.

"I'll remember that one." He winked.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes before continuing to get the shop ready for closing.

--

"I won't be late." Harry said as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Have a good night... and please try not to punch anyone."

He laughed and hugged me closer to his chest before pressing his lips onto mine.

"See you later baby."

The door shut behind him and the house was silent. I grabbed my car keys and headed to the supermarket. I picked the biggest, prettiest bunch of flowers there, and drove to Hannah.

Oh how I wished this was all still a dream. A bad, bad dream.

The graveyard was eerie and you could of heard a pin drop. There was only me and a few other people dotted around. I walked up the path, right to the end to Hannah headstone. I sat down cross-legged, infront of it and smiled, lying the flowers down. 

"Hi Hannah."

I sat quiet for a moment, staring at the words etched into her headstone. The shock of her being gone forever would never sink in properly.

"You wouldn't believe how much has changed since you've been away. You'll be pleased to know I went full on crazy bitch to Chelsea and I've not seen her since. You should of seen her face." I smiled at the thought of Hannah cheering me on and laughing.

"Jack isn't the boy I thought he was either. I'm so sorry that he did this to you Han, but he's in prison now, where he should be. I think you was there. I swear I saw you before he shot me. Thanks by the way, I could of died but I believe you saved me that day." I looked down at the grass beneath me.

"I finally met Harry's mum. She's wonderful Han, you would of loved her! Her smile is brighter than that highlighter I used to tease you about in school." I laughed at the memory. "Ardara is beautiful, it looks like something from a book... or them really nice postcard photos! Every path is lined with little flowers! Oh and Harrys mum told me to tell all my girlfriends back home that she's really hip so I just thought you should know." I grinned.

I fiddled with my fingers and my smile faded. "I told her about you. Well not everything, just that you wasn't here anymore." I swallowed hard. "She cried, she cried and she didn't even know you, that's how amazing you are." I smiled. "I hope you saw Ardara somehow. I had a dream and you told me that you was always right beside me. I don't know how true that is and I don't think I'll ever know for sure but there are so many things that happen to me that I wish I could show you or tell you but I physically can't; so I hope you're with me somehow."

I stayed silent for a few seconds and rearranged the flowers to make them look better. I took a deep breath and smiled again.

"Liam is good by the way, incase you were wondering. He misses you a lot but he's learning to cope. I let him take the pictures of you both from your house and he keeps one with him all the time. He's back in Spain at the moment but he'll probably come back soon." I smiled. "My birthday present was more than I could of asked for! Harry said he'd go with me but I can't help but wish it was you. We promised eachother we'd go together and now we can't, it hurts me so much. I promised myself I wouldn't cry here, infront of you." I said as a tear rolled down my cheek. "I miss you more than I can put into words Hannah and I miss you even more every single day."

I stopped talking and gathered myself back together again before saying anything else, wiping my eyes on the sleeves of my jumper.

"I hope you're alright up there Hannah. I hope you're not getting the angels as drunk and you used to get me." I smiled. "I hope I've made you proud. There's been so many times I've wanted it all to go away and I've been so close to quitting... yet here I am, still hanging on. Everyone always tells me that you'd be proud of me but it's not the same hearing it from them and not you. If I haven't made you proud yet, I promise I will."

More tears were falling from my eyes now but this time I didn't wipe them away.

"I don't mean to be upset, I just can't help hating on the world for taking you away from me. You're my bestfriend. We should be eating pizza together right now or talking about how shit work is or complaining about hangovers. I shouldn't be here, talking to a piece of stone, just wishing I could hug you one last time. This is not how it was meant to be!"

My tears were falling faster now. "I miss you so much, I miss you so so much." I whispered over and over.

I hated myself for crying here. Showing my weakness and being so vulnerable. I promised myself I'd be strong for myself and for Hannah but I couldn't. Harry always told me it was okay cry, that even some of the strongest people have feelings sometimes. But I didn't want to be one of the strongest people, I wanted to be the strongest person. I wanted to show everyone that I was okay but I couldn't. I wouldn't call myself weak but I'm not strong either. Most of my strength died with Hannah, the rest of it lies with Harry.

After a while I took a deep breath and wiped my face.

"Thanks for listening to me Hannah. I'll come and see you again real soon, I promise."

I stood to my feet and kissed the top of her headstone.

"I love you." I whispered before making my way back to the car.

--

I woke up to Harry stumbling into my bedroom when he got home, clearly drunk. He was 'sssh'-ing himself to try and be quiet and I couldn't help but laugh at how badly he was failing, tripping over everything he came across.

"Did I wake you baby?"

"Well yeah, but it's okay." I laughed.

He was fumbling with his jeans and couldn't get the button undone. I climbed out of bed and helped him. He was swaying slightly and he had a silly grin on his face.

"C'mon Harry, you need some sleep."

He crawled into bed and I got in next to him. He pulled me into his arms and rocked me gently from side to side. He placed drunk little kisses on my neck as he held me, laughing and humming to a little tune in his head.