Finding Yourself

chapter 73

I sat in silence when I woke up the next morning. I didn't know if Harry was awake or not but I didn't move to find out. Part of me was embarrassed for exposing so much of my childhood yesterday to him and being so weak and part of me was just foolishly wishing it was all a dream. Of course it wasn't a dream but there was no harm in wishing it was. I climbed out of bed and it wasn't until then that I realised how early it was. It was only 7am and of course, Harry was still fast asleep.

I tip-toed out of my bedroom and down the stairs into the kitchen where I dug out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from the cupboard. I pushed open the back door and the sun lightly warmed my skin as I walked outside. For England, the weather wasn't bad at all. I lit the tobacco between my lips and inhaled. The familiar relaxing feeling that warmed from the head to my toes made me smile to myself and I sat on the grass.

It was relatively quiet outside and it wasn't often I could come out here and listen to nothing except the odd car and a few light foot steps. Hannah liked this kind of quiet too sometimes and I closed my eyes and imagined her laying, care free on the grass, breathing in the air around her.

I finished my cigarette and grabbed a pair of leggings and one of Harrys hoodies from the clean laundry pile in the kitchen and put them on before quietly leaving the house and walking to the graveyard. I was thinking about driving but there was something calming about walking in the silence.

The atmosphere of the graveyard always made me feel uneasy but I made my way down the long path, towards Hannahs headstone. It was scattered with flowers and pictures left by her friends and family and the colours looked lovely against the grey of the engraved stone.

"Hey sis." I smiled weakly as I sat down. "It's early huh? It's crazy that I'm out and about at this time!"

I started blankly at her stone for a few moments as if I was giving her time to reply. Of course I didn't hear anything but it was always worth a try.

"I'm getting married Hannah!" I beamed. "Harry got me a ring and everything!" I tilted my hand down towards her stone as if she was admiring the rock on my finger. "I can't believe I won't be little Melanie Jones anymore." I smiled. "I guess being little Melanie Styles won't be half bad though."

I stayed silent for a few seconds after that and took deep breaths of the cool air.

"You'll come to my wedding won't you?" I said, my voice small. "I know I won't be able to see you but you'll be able to see me won't you? I hope you will. You can still be my maid of honour." I smiled at her headstone but it soon faded.

"I wish you were here. I'm sorry I don't come and see you more often. It's hard for me to come here and talk to you like this. I'm still, I don't know, in denial maybe that you're gone. It's stupid of me I know but I never imagined my life without you and then it happened. There's not a day that passes where I don't think about you or miss you more and more."

I lied my head down on the grass and held one hand out, resting it on the bottom of her headstone.

"I've always wondered what it's like up there Han, ya know, what lies beyond the golden gates... or whether the gates are even golden. I hope whatever is up there is good enough for you anyway, hopefully you know your way around the place by the time I get up there. You can show me all the hot spots." I laughed lightly and yawned.

"I wonder if heaven ever sleeps? I can't imagine you not sleeping Han." I smiled. "I was wondering last night if my mum and dad would come and visit me if I died. I know it's a weird thing to think but I've had a rough couple of days due to them and I don't know, ever since you left I can't help but wonder what people will think if the same happened to me."

My blinks were getting longer as I continued to talk to her about my parents and Harry and Liam and just rambling in general about anything we would normally talk about if she was still here. It wasn't until I heard my name being called when I realised I had fallen asleep.

I was still at the graveyard lying on the grass with one hand resting on Hannahs stone. I looked down the path and saw Louis jogging towards me with his car keys in his hand.

He held out his hands for me to take and pulled me up from the ground. "Why are you sleeping here Mel? Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I was talking to her and I must of fallen asleep. What are you doing here?"

"I drove past and saw you laying on the floor, I was worried about you. How long have you been here?"

"Since about half 7 ish." I shrugged. "I just miss her that's all."

"It's 12 now, I bet Harry is wondering where you are. C'mon I'll take you home."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked with me down the path.

"Bye Hannah." I said in my head as we left her headstone.

We finally got to Louis' car and he held the door open for me the climb in.

"How come you was up so early?" He said as he drove away.

I shrugged. "Dunno, I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep so I thought I'd go and see Hannah."

"I almost crashed the car when I saw you laying on the floor like that." He laughed lightly.

"Sorry." I giggled.

I can't believe I fell asleep there myself really. It was surprisingly comfortable and I know Hannah wouldn't of let anything bad happen to me. Even the rain held off until we pulled up outside my house.

"Are you coming in?" I asked him as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

"No, I'm off to see my mum." He smiled. "...Just promise me you'll sleep in your bed next time ey? You can't be giving me heart attacks like that regularly Mel."

I laughed and nodded my head. "Deal."

I paused for a moment and pulled him into a hug. "Thanks Louis."

"Anytime love." He smiled and his eyes crinkled at the corners.

I climbed out of the car and walked to the front door. The rain was coming down harder than I thought and my hair was soon dripping. I shoved open the door and kicked off my shoes before walking into the living room. Harry was laying on the sofa watching TV.

"There you are! Where have you been? I tried to ring you but you left your phone here."

"Yeah sorry, I went to see Hannah and ended up falling asleep. Louis found me and brought me home." I gave him an uneasy smile and pushed my wet hair from my face.

"You fell asleep at the graveyard?" He said with his brow creased in confusion. "When did you leave?"

"Yeah. I've been there since about half 7. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep." I sat down at the kitchen table and Harry followed.

"Are you alright?" Harry said kissing my head.

"Yeah, it's just one of those days I guess." I shrugged and put my head down, picking at my nails.

Neither of us said anything for a while until Harry broke the silence.

"We could go away for a few days if you want? Book a hotel, clear your head?"

"I can't keep running away when things go wrong Harry. I need to learn to deal with my fucked up parents and no longer existing bestfriend." I shook my head and frowned slightly. After a short pause I looked up at him. "I'm sorry. Thanks for offering but I think we should stay here." I smiled.

He nodded and put his arm around me. "Don't worry baby... just don't make a habit of sleeping in the graveyard okay? I didn't think I snored that bad."

I giggled and placed my lips on his, relaxing my tense body.

"I'm going for a shower." I said quietly. "You coming?"

Harry nodded and hooked his arm under my legs. "How can I say no to that?"

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