Finding Yourself

chapter 40

"I'm gunna go to her house tomorrow to sort some stuff out." I said to Harry as we laid in bed.

"So soon? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

I nodded. "I'll have to do it sooner or later. I'd rather just get it done."

"You want me to come with you?"

"No, It's okay. I'd rather do it on my own."

"Okay, If that's want you want." He smiled and kissed my lips.

His soft lips pressed against mine is something I will never get tired of.

"Goodnight pretty girl."

"Night Harry." I smiled.

He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I listened as his breathing steadied and watched as his chest slowly raised and fell. He was asleep in no time.

I laid awake staring at the clock as minutes turned into hours and even though I was emotionally and physically exhausted, I couldn't fall asleep. My brain wouldn't rest.

When it got to 3am I slowly lifted Harrys arm from around my waist and climbed out of bed. I turned the handle on the door as slowly as I could and tip-toed out onto the landing. I heard Zayn quietly snoring as I went past the spare room he was staying in and thanked god he hadn't fell asleep on the sofa tonight watching TV; because that's what he normally did.

I scurried downstairs and sat in the kitchen in silence listening to the faint ticking of the clock.

My eyes flicked to the cupboard above the sink.

"No Mel, don't do it." I whispered to myself as the thought entered my head.

I sat twiddling my thumbs for a few more moments, chewing the inside of my cheek and then got up.

I opened the cupboard door, put my hand to the back of it and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. I flipped the lid and rolled my thumb over each one. I grabbed a lighter from the kitchen drawer and headed for the back door.

In one movement I put a cigarette inbetween my lips and lit it. I took a long drag and inhaled deeply before blowing the grey cloud of smoke away. I took another drag and relaxed, closing my eyes.

"Don't be mad Hannah." I whispered. "I miss you so much."

After a few more drags, the door flew open, revealing a half naked Harry.

"Melanie I've been looking for you!" He said sounding relieved. "Are you okay?"

I blew the smoke from my lips and nodded.

"I didn't know you smoked?" He said with a confused expression on his face.

"I don't...Well, me and H-" I swallowed the rest of her name and looked down for a second. "We quit together about 7 months ago and until now, I've never felt the urge for one."

"Where did you get them from then?" He said nodding his head towards the small box in my hand

"My cupboard, emergency packet." I shrugged, took another drag and tossed my cigarette onto the grass.

I sat on the small brick wall outside the door and Harry sat next to me.

"I'm not saying I know how you feel right now, because I don't... but I do know how it feels to lose someone you couldn't imagine being without. Your heart, it feels heavy doesn't it? It aches, just longing to have her back? And the ache just won't go away."

I nodded.

"And you feel empty. Like you don't care about anything else. Like you wouldn't give a shit if the world just ended right now."

I nodded again.

"That's how I felt when my dad died. I just sat and wondered why it had to happen to me. To a certain extent I know the pain you can feel right now. I never thought the ache in my heart would go away but it did. It will go when you accept what has happened and move on. You will never fully get over it and you will never forget her but there will come a time where you will accept it for what it is and pick yourself back up. I don't know when that time will come and I don't know how long your ache will last and I know nothing I can say will heal you but I want you to know that I'll get you through this. No matter how long it takes, I promise you."

Warm tears gently rolled down my face and I wiped them away with the sleeves of my jumper.

"I don't deserve you Harry. What I done... it was awful and I don't want you to think that because all this shit is happening that I've forgotten about it... and I know you haven't either."

"I've not forgotten about it but that doesn't mean you don't deserve me. Before you got the call from the doctor I was with you anyway. I already knew I wasn't leaving you for good. When I left you that night and went home, I knew, even then, that wouldn't be it."

"How did you know?" I whispered.

"Because I love you Melanie." He said putting his fingers in mine.

My body froze and I smiled at him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

After a few minutes. Harry lifted me from the wall. "C'mon, It's freezing out here."

"Only because you're only wearing boxers." I laughed.

Harry went back upstairs and I put the cigarettes back in the cupboard, along with the lighter and poured myself a glass of water.

I walked up the stairs, trying not to wake Zayn and went back into my bedroom. Harry was laying in bed and smiled at me when I walked in.

I put the glass on the bedside table and climbed in next to him. He was so cold. I wrapped my arms around him and huddled into his chest.

"Are you okay?" He said running his fingers down my spine.

"Yeah." I smiled. "And Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too."

(Just wanted to thank you all for reading and thank you all for the messages you've sent saying how much you're enjoying the story because that means so much to me! Sorry last nights chapter and this chapter is up a little late, I've been busy with college work! Ew! So yeaaah, thanks for reading and please don't forget to vote! Mwaah <33)