Finding Yourself

chapter 41

The familiar scent of Hannah hit me as soon as I opened the door of her house. I looked back at my car wanting to run away from all of this but I continued on into the small hallway. A picture of her and Liam greeted me on my arrival.

Liam.

He doesn't know even know.

I pulled my phone from my bag and hovered my finger over Liams name until I finally plucked the courage to call him. I considered getting Harry to do it but I thought he needed to know now instead of any later.

"Hey Mel, I wasn't expecting to hear from you, how's things?"

"Hey, ur, are you like at home? Able to speak?"

"Yeah I'm in my room, what's wrong?"

"It's Hannah. She uh, she passed away."

"No not Hannah, no no no." He croaked.

"I'm so sorry Liam." I sighed.

"How? Why?"

"She was shot. I'm sorry I didn't let you know as soon as it happened but I've kind of been all over the place and my heads not been too clear."

"I- I don't know what to say. This can't be true." His voice cracked and each word.

"I wish, more than anyone this wasn't true Liam. Before she died I promised her you'd be at her funeral, you'll make it won't you?"

"Of course I will. Let me know when and I'll fly back home."

"I need to go." I breathed. "I'm sorry, I'll call you soon."

"Stay safe Mel." He whispered.

I hung up the phone and took a few deep breaths before carrying on, swallowing back the tears I could feel pricking my eyes.

I went up to her bedroom where pictures of us over the years covered the pink painted walls. I studied each one, re-living all the memories in my head. I ran my fingers over them, smiling at how happy we were and how oblivious we were of what was to come.

I peeled them all down, one by one and put them in my bag. In fact, every picture she had of us, I took. I loved them all so much and although I hated having my picture taken, I was now relieved Hannah made such a fuss of taking so many. I took a large framed picture of us both down from the wall and kneeled down next to her bed.

Your birthday present is under my bed.

I lifted up her duvet and put my hand under the wooden frame. I felt around for a while until I felt  gift bag. I pulled it out and stared at it for a while before peeling away the cellotape.

I pulled out a card, and my favourite perfume that she knew I loved.

I ran my finger under the seal of the envelope and slid the card out. The front read; 'To a special sister on your 20th birthday.' I opened up the card and another envelope fell out. I placed that envelope on the floor and read what she had written.

Mel,
Happy 20th birthday!
You've done so much for me over the past 8 years that I wanted to do something special for you!
You're the bestest friend I could ever wish for and there isn't anything I can say to prove how much I appreciate you putting up with my shit and getting me through everything! Okay, now go ahead, open the envelope!
Love you loads, Hannah x

My finger traced over the seal of the envelope before ripping it open. There, staring back at me were two tickets to Florida. My mouth fell open and I couldn't believe it. I pulled out a picture of a beach from the envelope and on the back it read;

We're staying in our own villa and this will be the holiday of our lives! I said we'd go one day didn't I?

My heart sank in my chest and I remembered the conversation we had when we were just 15, looking at magazines instead of doing our homework.

"Oh my god Hannah look!" I gasped, pointing at the fine white sand and clear blue sea.

"Woah, that's looks amazing! Where is that?!"

"Uh..." I scanned the text at the top of the page. "Florida! That's so far away." I frowned.

"Imagine us being there, strutting along the sand, winking at all the tanned boys in swim shorts." She laughed.

"I don't think my dad would be too happy with that!" I giggled.

"We'd be on our own! No parents or rules. Imagine how amazing that would be!"

We stared at the page, imagining just that.

"When we're older and have our own houses and our own money, we're gunna go!" She beamed cutting the picture out of the magazine and taping it to her wall.

"Don't say that. We'll get all excited and it'll never happen!" I said rolling my eyes. "And we're years and years away from moving out and having our own money."

"It will happen, you wait. We wanna go here don't we?"

I nodded.

"Then we will, one day! I promise, before we die we're going to Florida together! It's going on my bucket list!" She giggled, pulling a note pad out from her bedside table.

"Okay." I beamed. "Pinky promise?"

"Pinky promise." She agreed, sticking her pinky out.

The ache in my heart grew bigger and bigger until I thought I was going to explode. I got up from my knees and sat on Hannahs bed. I picked up her pillow, hugged it close and sobbed into it. The pillow swallowed the loud sobs that was escaping my mouth.

For once it felt good to have no one here to comfort me. It felt good to be able to cry as loud as I could knowing no one was listening or there to make me stop.

"Come back Hannah please come back!" I cried. "It's not the same without you, I need you here!"

I felt my heart break a little bit more and continued to cry into her pillow. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I wanted her back so much it hurt. I hurt everywhere. The emptiness inside of me was unbearable and nothing I could do or say would bring her back, that was the worst part.

"I miss you so much." I said inbetween my sobs.

Once I had calmed down and I was breathing at a normal pace again, I put my birthday present in my bag, grabbed the picture frame and left her bedroom. Maybe Harry was right, maybe it was too soon.