Finding Yourself

chapter 67

When I got back from work there was a letter through the door for me. It was addressed from the prison so I knew immediately who it was from. I tore open the envelope and pulled out a letter written in Jacks scrawled handwriting.

Mel,

Nothing I can say in this letter justifies what I've done to you and I know you don't owe anything to me but please come and visit me. I don't deserve it, I know I don't but I really need to speak to you. Visiting times are at 7pm everyday so I wish to see you soon.

I hope you're doing okay.

-Jack.

I sighed and glanced at the clock. 6pm. I stood for a moment wondering what to do. He was right, I didn't owe anything to him and I shouldn't go and visit him but curiosity got the better of me. I shoved the letter in my bag and pulled out my phone.

"Hey, you home from work?" Harry asked as he answered.

"Er, yeah but I just thought I'd tell you I'm going shopping, I shouldn't be long so I'll see you after?"

"Okay baby, see you later."

"I love you."

"I love you too." He replied, I could hear he had a smile on his lips.

I hung up the phone and thought about Jack again. I shouldn't go, I know I shouldn't. Yet I still found myself in the car, heading for the prison. Damn it.

--

When I got there I had to be searched before going into the visiting area. It was rather uncomfortable and I'm glad Harry wasn't here. Harry. He'd be so pissed at me if he knew where I was.

Jacks eyes nearly fell out when he saw me walking towards him. He got up to walk towards me but was soon stopped.

"Sit down Bourne!" An officer said loudly.

He done as he was told and I sat across the table from him. He was wearing a bright yellow vest over his clothes and the room was filled with people chatting to friends and family.

Jack looked tired and much older than I remember him looking before. He had a small beard growing and his hair was a birds nest. I'm surprised I even recognised him.

"You got my letter?" He said.

I just nodded.

"I didn't think you'd come."

"Me either." I sighed.

"Does Harry kn-"

"No, which is wrong of me to lie to him." I rushed.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

"For what? Killing my bestfriend? Holding me hostage in your house? Almost sabotaging my relationship? or what else? Oh yeah, attempting to fucking kill me." I hissed.

"Everything." He shrugged. "Being in here; it gives you a lot of time to think. That's all I've been doing; thinking about what I've done. I've cried more in here than I ever have done." He started.

"Do you expect me to feel sorry for you? Because I don't."

"No. I don't expect that. I just needed to see you. I wanted to see that you were okay and-"

Something inside of me snapped when he said that. How fucking dare he? Okay? Were these words actually coming out of his disgusting mouth? I'd be fine if it wasn't for him and so would Hannah.

"Okay?... Okay? I have no idea what okay is anymore, Jack. My whole life has been tipped upside down twice over because of you."

"I'm so sorry Mel. There's no excuse for what I've done. I wish every single day that I hadn't of took her life. I wish everyday that it hadn't come to this."

"That's not good enough because you did take her life and it has come to this! I shouldn't be here." I said shaking my head. "This was a mistake."

"Melanie, please. I just, I need to show you how sorry I am."

"I don't want your fucking apology. I don't want or need anything from you. And before you say anything about this being my fault because I dumped you. Don't. Because you're fucking delusional. You killed Hannah and you decided to do everything else after that. You fucked up Jack, not me and I refuse to feel sorry or say sorry to you for dumping you because I did it for my own happiness and to be quite honest, it's the best thing I've ever done. Don't send me anymore letters or call me or contact me in anyway because as from this day; you no longer exist to me anymore. I hope you rot in here for what you did to Hannah because that's what you fucking deserve."

I grabbed my bag from the floor and walked away. I heard the movement of Jacks chair aswell but the security guard shouted his name again. Adrenaline was pulsing through my veins when I left the prison and got into my car. I was angry at everyone and everything and I hated Jack and I hated this prison and I hated myself for even allowing myself to come here. I sped away from the car park and headed for home, where I should be right now. I cursed myself for even leaving the house, the whole way home.

I pushed the key through the lock once I was home but it didn't unlock. I wiggled the door handle and it was already open. Fucking hell I swear I locked it. I cursed at myself some more for leaving the door unlocked and walked into the hallway.

"I came to make dinner!" I heard Harry call from the kitchen. "Need a help with the shopping bags?"

I panicked for a moment but took off my shoes and slowly walked in. I looked at Harry as he gave me a warm smile and I began to cry. I had done so well with not crying for the last few weeks. I'd managed to hold it in all the way home from the prison yet now I was home, the tears wouldn't stop falling.

Harry came over and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me down so I was sitting on the sofa with him. He rocked me gently from side to side until no more tears were falling from my eyes and he didn't let go of me once.

"What's wrong?" Harry said quietly.

"I didn't go shopping." I said sniffling. "I went to see Jack."

"Melanie!" Harry gasped.

"I'm so sorry." I said as another tear fell. "I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd be mad at me. He wrote me a letter and I don't know, curiosity got the better of me. I knew it was a bad idea. Please don't be angry with me."

He sighed into my hair and pulled away so he was looking at me. He wiped my cheeks and shook his head. "What am I gunna do with you?" He whispered. "It didn't well then?"

I let out an exasperated laugh and shook my head. "It was a recipe for a disaster Harry, I'm a fucking idiot."

"No you're not. You just like not listening to anyone else." He smiled.

He continued to wipe my cheeks with his thumbs and frowned slightly. "Don't go back there again Melanie."

"I won't. I told him, as of today, he doesn't exist to me anymore. It has to be over now before I go insane."

He pulled me into his chest again and kissed my forehead. "I've made lasagne if you want it."

I smiled to myself. Harry's way of cheering me up was always food... or sex... but mainly food... right now it was food. I pulled myself up from the sofa and sat down infront of the steaming plate of food.

"Thankyou." I smiled.

He kissed my head and sat down opposite me. He thought I was saying thankyou for the food... which I was but I also meant for everything else. For putting up with all my shit, for never ever giving up on me, for continuously pulling me back up from the shitty places I always managed to fall... despite trying not to. There were so many things I needed to be thankful for when it came to Harry yet I never knew a way of doing it properly. God knows if I ever will... but god knows he deserves it.