Finding Yourself

chapter 75

"You told me you wouldn't go back there Melanie!" Harry sighed with his hands in his hair.

"I know but I needed to..."

"Needed to what?"

"Just tell him I knew... I just... I wanted him to know."

"Buy why? He's in prison, there's no way he can talk to you or hurt you anymore so why do you keep going?"

Me and Harry were standing in the living room arguing about Jack. We were standing opposite eachother and I could feel us getting further apart with every word that fell from my mouth.

"I don't know I just felt like he should know. I just wanted him to know what he's doing but he still doesn't understand. I'm not going back there anymore." I said looking down at the floor.

"Of course he doesn't understand. People like him can't understand, they never do and you said you wouldn't go back last time and you did!"

He lifted his hands up from by his sides and dropped them again. He didn't even look angry, just disappointed in me and hurt, which is what I never wanted.

"Look at us! He's ruining us just like he's always wanted. He's making us argue over him and he's locked away from us! He's winning Melanie but maybe he knew you would go back? Maybe he does know you better than I do after all? Your dad thinks he's a better person than me... is he right then? Is he more important than me?!"

"You're more important to me than anyone Harry!" I said with my voice rising. "Why would you even say that? You know me better than anyone in the world, you know you do. I love you more than I could even explain but you don't understand what it's like okay? I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted him to feel bad for once, to regret what he's done but-"

"Melanie I know exactly what it's like. I've been here for you every single day, I've lived it all with you and I've never once done anything but want to get you through everything that's happened. I admit I don't know how you feel all the time but I've been just as much apart of this, emotionally, as you have."

"I know." I said quietly. "And I'm thankful for that, you know I am. I just feel like I have to carry on fighting for Hannah. I needed him to just feel something, anything! ...But he doesn't. He doesn't even feel sorry."

"That's why you shouldn't have gone back! You go there and upset yourself, you let him grind you down even more and I'm left here to pick up the pieces, like always!"

He ran his fingers through his hair and I swallowed hard, tears pricking in my eyes.

"Is this what all this is about then?" I said, putting on a brave face and fighting myself to not cry infront of him. "You should of just walked away huh? You should of just stayed in Ireland after I had my abortion and then you wouldn't of been here when Hannah died. You wouldn't of been here through any of my shit. You would of been better off without me!"

The tears were blurring my vision now and I tried my best to keep them in.

"No! Melanie I didn't mean it like that, I'm glad I've been here for you, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you, you know I do."

"I love you too Harry but you've said it yourself now. You can't fix me."

He came closer and put his hands on my shoulders.

"I didn't mean it like that! I just meant for you going to the prison. Melanie, you don't need fixing. You've just had a few fucking awful things happen to you in a little space of time but you're okay. We've pulled through it."

I shook my head walked towards the door.

"Melanie just wait!" Harry called down the hallway.

"No Harry, I don't want you picking up the pieces anymore."