Life, Love, and other misunderstandings [Camren fanfic]

Chapter 6

*Back to Lauren's POV*

I don't know why I left so abruptly Camila's place last night. All I know is I felt a sudden urge to leave after seeing the curiosity in her eyes. I could sense it, if I stayed our dinner conversation would be around a topic I'm not ready to share with anybody, even her.

When I was rambling some shit with Zach and mentioned Lucy's name, I saw from the corner of my eye how Camila stood straight, her body tensing, and made her way to sit with us. I couldn't help but feel she thought I was talking about Lucy, my Lucy. She gave me that look. That look that has a mix of curiosity and pain combined with the hope that I would finally tell her everything that's going in my mind.

To be honest, I don't know.

Lucy is that part of my life that has yet to reach a conclusion, I'm not depressed, not at all. But every time I sense that she could be brought up in a conversation, even innocently, I just let my walls up and leave. Because that's how I've been dealing with it this whole time.

I loved Lucy, and I like to think she loved me back. But that last night I spent with her happened in a blur. I never felt something similar for anybody. The way Lucy made me feel safe, beautiful and loved. The way she made it all easier for me, she accepted me. It was Lucy and I against the world.

We were both childish and adventurous, both planning to see the world in its full wonder. We didn't care about conventional bullshit, the so called "relationship standards", for us it was us. Our own little heaven when we were together, and everything came crashing that night.

That stupid night when we let conventional bullshit affect us, what other people thought. That night when she started doubting what I felt for her, based on outsiders. That night when she thought it was time to "grow up", her words exactly.

It all started with a simple game, as usual, talking about our favorite places in the world and what we would do if we were there. Fantasizing about a close future, at least that's what I thought. But then, at the mention of one single name it all changed. Next thing I know is we're arguing, big time. She left our little heaven with tears on her cheeks, in a rage and evidently her thoughts blinded by a cloud of jealousy and misconceptions.

That night I cried. It was the first time I cried for her, but not the last. I knew that this was something we could sort out, so I followed her. Trying with all I had to make things better, if she wanted all the stars in the sky, I was most likely going to give them to her. And when I finally made it to where I knew she was going to be, it all happened so fast. The only thing I remember are two men dragging her, my sudden burst of desperation to reach her, her screams, a gunshot. And my whole world came crashing right then and there, and it was all because of some money they thought she had on her.

Months after, the police told me they found the attackers, but I didn't care, she wasn't with me. Long therapy sessions and a lot of crap later, I finally started to live with the fact she wasn't there anymore. But, despite everything my therapist told me about letting go and the moving on crap, somewhere deep inside me knew that I couldn't. How could I let go if I know we left things unresolved? And here is when the "what ifs" came to me like a fucking tsunami. What if we didn't argue in the first place? What if I found her earlier? What if she was right...?

Lucy left me with an arsenal of questions and a big amount of feelings that, in that time, I couldn't figure and still can't, but at least I learnt to treasure her. I learnt to love every single memory I have with her, memories that make me happy, memories that fill my soul with a pleasant warmth, the warmth that I used to feel when she was beside me. I learnt to honor those memories and started living each day with the promise that I would stay true to myself and our thoughts about the world, and that's something I want to keep to myself forever. Those moments of laughter and games, kisses and hugs shared and intense conversations about how this world is so fucking messed up but we still managed to enjoy ourselves. Those I will keep to myself until my days end. That's my promise to you, Lucy.

And partially I reckon that's why I don't want to speak about her to anyone. Because I want what we had to still be something special, just between us, our not so little secret. Because it has always been that way, what we shared only we understood, and that's what I loved the most about our little safe heaven.

Maybe someday I'll be ready to share how amazing, beautiful and selfless she was. But today, I still want to embrace everything in my heart and be the best version of myself for her.

It took quite a long time for me to accept that life goes on and that I should start seeing other people. The so called "dating" stuff that I'm still not fully comfortable with, but I try. I try to give other people a chance, fighting against my urge of comparing them to Lucy. It's hard. But I think I'm getting there. I still can't fully give in, though. I'm not ready for relationships nor I feel the urge to have one, but at least I don't feel guilty anymore for being attracted to someone else, and that's because Lucy and I never had that problem. We were always okay to admit if we found someone else attracting, but never acted on it because she was everything I wanted and I was hers. Our connection was beyond some physical attraction, and that's what washed away any thought I had of any other girl because, at the end of the day, I knew the only person that fulfilled everything I wanted was right there, with me, and I would never change that.

And then, there's Camila. The only person I think understood what we had. Its simplicity and awkwardness. But even if she understands, I can't talk to her about this particular subject because that would involve talking to her about the fight. How can I tell her that she was the reason that fucked everything up? That her name was the reason of Lucy's ridiculous jealousy that night. I worked so hard to let that go, and have no heart feelings against her. Because, after all, I know what I feel and that Lucy was wrong about her accusations that night towards my relationship with Camila.

I would never do that to Camila because I can't imagine losing her. Losing our long friendship after something that's still hanging in my mind, the confusing "what ifs". It's not fair to drag her into my internal fights and contradictions, so I'll just leave it there and move on.

That's what I am right now, a long string of contradictions