Sciles One Shots

Invisible

Another day of painted walls and football on the TV, no one sees me.

My dad comes home drunk tonight.  His words slurring into something I can't understand, his footsteps uneven.  A bottle of wrenched alcohol in his rough hands.

I sit on the couch, football on the TV of the Cowboys verses the Broncos.  A bowl of chips on my lap, a Pepsi in my hand.  A blanket is curled around my body, keeping me warm in this cold, dark place.

It's past midnight, making it technically Friday.  One more day of school before the dreaded weekend.  One more day of watching others hang out with their friends, while I'm surrounded in my thoughts.

Then the weekend.  Where I spend every minute in my room, with the freshly painted blue walls.  The color had been going dull, and dull things make me dull.

They had faded away, like me.  I fade away, lost inside a memory of someones life.

It wasn't mine.

It was my mothers.  The woman who died years ago, with me next to her.  The woman who's death left my dad in pieces.  The small family smashed into oblivion. 

A woman who's six feet under the stars.  She took a piece of me with her.  A piece of my heart, a piece of my sanity,  a piece of my will to live.

Things I will never get back.

I won't ever get my father back, too.  He's gone.  No, not foul.  But his soul isn't present anymore.  Just a sad, empty human looking for release, with no way out.

I cast my salvation in the eyes of a brown eyed boy.  Someone who's in love the sweetest girl at our school.  A beautiful person, Kira is.

Scott's crooked smile is the only reason I live.  His tan skin makes me want to trace every curve of his perfectly muscled body.  His personality makes me wish I could hear him whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

And we've talked a few times in the past week.  But I'm too scared now.  I'm scared that I'll let him in, only for rejection.  That'll kill me.

It'll kill my last will to live.  He'll know  I'm gay.  He'll know I'm madly jealous of Kira, just like I was of Allison.  He'll know what hurts me.  He'll know too much.

So I had never told him of how my dad really was.  I never told him that the deputy ignores his child.  That I'm lonely and deprate.  That I miss having someone to talk to.  I never said that my mind is always someplace else and I can't focus at school.  I never told him my insomnia has returned and my nightmares are slowly killing me.  I never said...

I was already missing before the night I left.

Scott senses my depression at school later.  He knows I am worse than I look.  And I look pretty damn shitty. 

What he doesn't know is why I'm like this.  He doesn't know what I did to myself just before school.  He doesn't know that my heart is thumping so hard I'm pretty sure it'll burst.  Scott doesn't know that I'm leaving.

So for the day it's just me and my shadow, and all of my regrets.  My regrets hit me hardest when I'm next to Scott.  It's like a ton of bricks waiting to tumble.  Just one after another.

My anxiety rises like fireworks on the fourth of July.  My breathing becomes shallow.  My hands tremble and I clasp them together, hoping the boy I'm in love with won't notice.  Sweat drips down my forehead and I wipe it away.

I'm stressing.  My hands are going numb.  My thoughts are spinning.  Every sound pounds through my skull, wanting to be heard.

Scott's hand on my shoulder startles me so bad that I jump out of my seat.  I pack my stuff, ignore coach, and practically run out of the school building.