the fall • s.m.

23 • pathetic

// shawn mendes //

@shawnmendes: we don't talk anymore

• • •
•one month later•
January

I hate myself.

Did I really lose her so easily? Why didn't I just send her a text? I was busy, but I wasn't that busy. I should've made a better effort.

She probably thinks I'm over her. She probably thinks I don't care anymore. She probably hates me.

I couldn't blame her. For some reason I didn't know what to say to her so I didn't say anything. That obviously was a bad idea.

I hate to say it, but I'm jealous of Charlie. I know, they're only friends, but we were only friends at one time too. Plus, I'm sure she's told him all about what a dick I was. She probably likes him better than me.

I've listened to We Don't Talk Anymore about 1000 times. It's amazing. They sound amazing together. She's amazing. Hearing her sing made me happier for some reason, even though  it's probably the opposite when she hears me sing.

Why did I ruin things?

I just wish things were like they used to be. I wish that I could see her again and hug her and say I'm sorry and see that smile again and know that I'm the reason she's smiling. That's the best feeling in the world. To know that someone is smiling because of you. I used to make her smile all the time.

I hate to think that now I'm the reason that smile fades.

Tour ends in a month, and then I'm back home in LA. I wonder when she's coming back to LA.

I never told her I was back in LA when I was recording I Know What You Did Last Summer with Camila. I didn't tell her because...I don't know, it just wasn't a good time. I had to leave after only a week, and I was spending a lot of time in the studio anyways. I didn't want to have her come to see me and then I just end up being in the studio the whole time with Camila. That would suck.

You should have just fucking told her that.

I know I should have. There are a million things I should have done differently, but I didn't and I fucked everything up. And now it seems that I've lost the one person who means the world to me. And I don't know how to get her back.

My thumb hovered over the send button again. This is the thousandth time I've thought about saying something and usually I end up backspacing it all.

I'm sorry for saying that I loved you and then acting like I didn't. I still do. I love you so much Margot and it hurts to think that you might not feel the same way anymore because I couldn't be man enough to send you a simple text. I'm sorry

That's what I wanted to say. I knew I would never send that to her.

I backspaced the whole thing.

• • •

// margot kate franklin //

@margotkatefranklin: "you left me with a craving I can't fill, got me wondering what I had yesterday. tell everyone I'm fine, but I'm still sitting here, choking on the aftertaste." -burning bridges, Bea Miller