the fall • s.m.

grateful

// my pov // - not an update but please read. very important.

*i mention "God" a few times, but please don't think I am trying to shove my Christianity down your throat. that's just what I believe, and it certainly does not have to be what you believe. Believe what you want. If you don't believe in God, than just take it to mean higher power. If you don't believe in a higher power...I don't know, get creative. just don't be triggered ight. I don't care what you believe. You could worship God or a freaking corn dog, and I'm fine with either. Clear? Alright cool❤️

Jesus Christ.

I say that in two different contexts. Jesus Christ as in the oh my god sense, but also just calling on him to listen to me. I have so much shit to say.

a girl I know was in a car accident. a bad one. a life-threatening one. a "we don't know what the rest of her life looks like from this point" one.

she wasn't driving; her friend was. they weren't drunk or anything, but I don't know how fast they were going or anything. they both weren't wearing seat belts. the driver is ok.

she went in to surgery because her pancreas was severed, and they don't know how her organs are going to be functioning. her intestines were swelled completely.

she almost died in the surgery.

she has to have a stent put in her liver, something like that. a 10 inch incision in her stomach, feeding tube, ICU for 3 months. if everything goes well from there, it's a 7 month recovery.

if everything goes well from there.

we weren't "friends." she is a couple years older than me, but she had gone to the same catholic elementary and middle school, and we both went to the same high school now. she played the same position as me in volleyball, and helped me sometimes. we played soccer together, and she helped show me the ropes of varsity as a freshman.

but she wasn't a role model. she was one of those girls people talked about.

slut. whore. bitch.

she got in trouble. suspended twice this year, which screwed our team over. I remember being so pissed at her. our team needed her and she made the stupid decision to post something meaningless online and let down our whole team.

but she didn't deserve this. no one ever does.

I don't know what difference any of it could have made. putting on a seatbelt or not. I don't know what was going on in the car, I can't say what could have prevented what. but a seatbelt is so simple...just please wear yours. please.

around this time last year, there was something similar going on. except this hurt so much more.

I remember it vividly. I was in my aunt's car, singing loudly to the radio with my cousins, when my phone rang. It was my friend.

I answered it, and she was sobbing. I was so scared. I remember what she had said. our friend was hurt.

he was on his four wheeler. hit a rock the wrong way. his mom found him unconscious under the four wheeler. she gave him CPR, tried to get him back. he had stopped breathing. he was in the hospital.

I had started crying, it was all so real and scary. the boy I had just seen two weeks ago at our eighth grade graduation was unconscious in the hospital? the most outgoing, charismatic boy on this planet couldn't move. couldn't talk.