Sad to Belong

Chapter 38

"Thanks for that Pierce. I'm sorry I just...cried in front of you. Nabasa ko pa tuloy 'yang t-shirt mo." She chuckled and looked at him. He's looking at her intently at bigla naman siyang kinabahan. Nawala naman kaagad ito ng inabutan siya ng panyo ng binata. Parang hinipo ang puso niya sa ginawa nito. Hindi nga lang niya alam kung bakit. Napansin niyang he's got his name carved on it at the bottom of it. Ito talaga ang una niyang napansin ng makita ito dahil dark blue ang kulay ng sinulid na ginamit dito.

"You don't have to say sorry Z.J. What are friends for, right?"

Naging tahimik silang dalawa ng ilang minuto at ang tanging pagsinghot at paghikbi lamang ni Zayelee ang maririnig sa pagitan nila. Pierce looked at her once again but without her knowing this time. She's so engrossed with whatever she's thinking and it breaks his heart to see her weeping until now. It seems like she'll never stop crying. Ito ang unang pagkakataon na makakita siya ng umiiyak na babae lalung-lalo na sa harapan niya. He's only seen this kind of scenario from the movies before and despite the endless fights between his Mum and Dad ay hindi niya nakitang umiyak ito sa harapan nila ng kapatid niya. Kaya't lumapit siya ng kaunti sa dalaga, closing the distance between them and put her head on his shoulder. He doesn't care kung basain man nitong muli ang kanyang t-shirt. All he cares about right now is being there beside her. He wants her to know that she's not alone and she'll get through it just like how she got back up to her feet since their father died.

Unti-unti na ring dumidilim ang paligid habang tahimik pa rin silang dalawa. "The reason why I cried is because of a guy who walked in the door of that restaurant. He used to be—

"Z.J, it's okay if you don't feel like telling me your story. It must be hard for you to do this right now. I understand." He interrupted her. Ayaw niya namang napipilitan lang ang dalaga sa pagkwento sa kanya kung bakit broken-hearted siya ngayon. He wanted her to do so willingly one day.

"I want to. You deserve an explanation Pierce. I just can't cry in front of you without telling you why. It would be cruel of me. And besides, we're friends, right?" A dumbfounded Pierce doesn't know what to say so after a few seconds ay ipinagpatuloy ng dalaga ang kanyang kwento. Maybe its time for her to open things up to other people. Maybe doing so will help them understand her. Na kung bakit minsan ay nahuhuli nila siyang nakatulala. O di kaya'y nagiging masungit siya out of nowhere dahil ayaw niya lang masaktan. That it's her own way of protecting herself from getting too attached towards other people dahil hindi niya alam and she can't guarantee kung mananatili ba sila o hindi. "We used to be...I don't know, good friends? Well, that's what I thought anyway. Siya ang unang nag-approach sakin back when we were in college. We were in this groupchat for a project in one of our units and he introduced himself to me. Hindi ko nga alam until then na kaklase ko pala siya sa dalawa kong units. From then on, we became friends. I think what made me feel closer to him was his sensibility. He knew the only friend I have is Saige so he made sure na alam ko kung paano makihalubilo sa ibang tao. Saige was on a vacation in Italy then so I literally had no one beside me. He tried taking me out of my comfort zone too. He knew I needed someone during my Dad's death. So from then on, he never failed to talk to me everyday and made sure I was okay. At minsan naman kapag umuuwing lasing si mama ay nagmi-meet up kami sa labas ng bahay..."

"What did he do?"

"He would sit beside me and just...let me cry. Because seeing your mum in that state while you're grieving is not a good combination at all. Anyway, he confessed his feelings to me one day. And the day I met Ryder was the day he broke my heart. It was the day I was ready to tell him that I love him too but I saw him... k-kissing... another girl." Her voice cracked as she said this. Thinking of that day hurts her so much. She wanted to cry once again pero wala ng mga luhang bumabagsak. Mukhang naubos na iyon kanina.

"Have you ever talked to him after that?" He's secretly hoping she hasn't dahil pakiramdam niya'y he doesn't deserve the chance to talk to her but it's also cruel of him to hope that because she deserves to know why. It's funny how a betraying act is not enough to explain his intentions with her.

"No I haven't. I don't know if we'll ever get to Pierce."

"Maybe one day you will, maybe one day you won't but it's alright. One thing you should remember though, is to not beg for his love. You never have to beg for his love in the first place if he did really love you Z.J. Sometimes in life, you don't get the closure you need. You just have to make one for yourself." He looked at her hoping na sana'y naintindihan siya ng dalaga. Hindi niya alam na kaya niya palang magpayo sa isang kagaya ni Zayelee. He fell inlove a few times but he wasn't sure whether his experience is enough to give her an advice but if it isn't then he'll be there to make sure she's okay. As a friend.

"I don't know what to do anymore to be honest. I wish I... didn't fell for his words, for his presence. I should've known that a guy like him can never put up with a woman like me. Ang dami ko kasing dinadala eh. So, 'nung nag-alok siyang tutulungan niya ako sa mga dinadala ko umasa naman akong makakaya niya. He was like a salesman na sinabi na ang lahat makumbinsi lang ang isang customer. Ako naman 'tong si tanga naniwala." Fresh tears started falling from her eyes once again. Akala ba niya'y ubos na ang kanyang mga luha dahil kanina? Nagpahinga lang pala sila tapos ito na naman, handa na naman silang magsibuhos. She laughed it off saka pinunasan ang kanyang mukha. Tama na Zayelee, I'm begging you. Talo ka na. You don't have to fight for it anymore. Wala ka namang kalaban-laban sa umpisa palang eh. Kailan kaya darating ang araw na sa tuwing maaalala niya si Kean ay hindi na siya iiyak? Where she will no longer feel his absence insider her heart? When is she going to feel okay whenever she hears his name?

"Let me tell you this Z.J., any girl could have fallen for that idiot's words and actions. If someone's actions and words seem consistent ay talagang makukuha ang loob mo o ng kahit na sino eventually. But you know what? He's the foolish one here. You're not the one who lied and betrayed someone here. It was him. He had a choice and he chose to break your heart."

"I know that. I know that he never loved me as much as I thought he did. I once envisioned how we're going to be as a couple. I've never been in a relationship so hindi ko talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko kapag nagka-boyfriend na 'ko. Sabi ko 'nun, bahala na. Maybe it will come naturally naman. And then poof! Biglang naglaho lahat ng mga pangarap ko na 'yun. I'm still hoping he'll come and see me to say sorry you know. It hasn't been that long yet so baka pwede pa. But I can't also keep hoping that kasi ako lang rin ang masasaktan. He's clearly happy right now. What did she have that I didn't? Nahirapan kaya siyang intindihin ako o ang hintayin ako? Sabi ko naman sakanya dapat talagang handa siyang mag-hintay sakin eh. Kung hindi niya lang ako pinaasa sa sinabi niya edi sana hindi ako nagpapaka-gaga rito ngayon." 

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Pagkatapos ng kalahating oras ng paglilibot sa kanilang lugar ay nahanap na rin ni E.J ang bar na kung saan ay may nakakita sa kanilang ina. Ano pa nga ba ang kailangan niyang gawin para makumbinsi lang ang kanilang ina na umuwi na sa kanila at bumalik na ito sa dati? Does he need to send her to a rehab? Wala na kasi siyang iba pang maisip na paraan para mapatino ito. Their father wouldn't have been so happy had he survive that heart attack. But he doesn't think either na mangyayari ito kung hanggang ngayo'y buhay parin ang kanilang ama. They would still be a one happy family.

"We're here Ry." As they get out of their car ay pansin ni E.J na mukhang sikat nga ang bar na ito dahil kahit alas kwatro y medya pa lamang ng hapon ay marami-rami na ang mga tao sa labas. This is going to be his first time in here dahil ginagawa pa lang ang bar na ito ng umalis siya papuntang Maynila.

"Sa tingin mo ba nandito na ang mum mo ngayon? Mukhang maaga pa naman." Tanong ni Ryder sa kaibigan saka muling tumingin sa kanyang paligid. He's not a bar kind of guy unlike Riordan, Blaise at Terrence. Pero hindi naman siya nagiging isnob sa mga kaibigan niya kapag nagyayaya ang mga itong mag-bar hopping. It seems like one of their favourite past time kaya't nasanay na rin siya sa ambience ng bar.

"I don't know man. If she's there, she's there. If she's not then, bad luck."