Save Me ; Phan ~ completed

chapter 16

A/N- y'all should know that all chapters have a trigger warning at this point cuz you know.. I'm me. That being said, theres a trigger warning on this one - suicide attempts/self harm 

||Dan's POV||  -Sunday- 

I woke up at 10 and got dressed quickly, swinging an old backpack over my shoulders. I hop on my bike and blast music in my ears, riding around with no destination in mind.

I'm biting my lip hard, speeding down the street fast. Maybe I'm hoping that if I go fast enough I can finally get away. Run away from all the bad thoughts and horrible memories. Before I know it I'm stopped at that god damned park crying and gasping for air.

Just as I'm about to keep riding, my mind wanders to yesterday. Then I'm slumped against a tree, sobbing my eyes out. All I remember is slipping in and out of consciousness. The pain, the helplessness, the violation. Everything still hurts and feels so fresh. I hate myself.

After what feels like an eternity I get up, continuing to ride for the next 2 hours. I ride up to a small forest like area that I used to come to with my mom. It's become a hide out lately, and the nostalgia helps mask whatever might be going on.

I park my bike and find myself climbing up to the top of a tree. I look down at the ground and think of how easy it would be to end it now. Then I look up and around at how pretty the sky is today.

I wonder what it would be like to have a normal childhood. With good parents or maybe a sibling.. friends. To live in a nice house and go out on the weekends. What it would be like to be happy.

In a way, I've got my own little happy bubble. It only comes around when I'm with Phil and leaves when he's gone. I'm okay then. But now I'm not. It makes me wonder if I'm just dragging him down with me. Maybe it'd be easier if I killed myself, or ran away. I don't think he's lying when he says he cares. But I don't want to hurt him. By the way my life is turning out, maybe its best that I stay away from him. 

My phone rings loudly, causing me to jump. I lose my grip on the branches and fall to the ground. The wind is knocked out of me and my head got hit pretty hard. "Fuck." I sit up, coughing. I pick up my phone from the dirt and see that the screen cracked from the fall. "God damnit!" I huff, standing up with spotty vision and sitting myself down by the stream. I turn my phone on to see the cause of the ringing. As I expected it was a missed call from Phil, along with a text.

Phil - hey u ok?

I shut off the phone, not replying. I don't want to hurt anyone if I'm not sticking around much longer. 

After a few minutes I recover from my fall and get up, heading out of the forest area and back to the streets. I end up at the park, as I usually do. Surprisingly, its quite empty. Normally I don't come here on weekends because kids are running around everywhere. I sit down on the swing set and try not to cry. I don't want to live anymore and at this point, the longer I stay with my thoughts, the closer I am to doing it.

 The longer I sit there, I notice my nails digging into my skin and a thought pops into my head. I know I shouldn't be cutting. I haven't in over a week. I've been doing good. But then I remember that it helps most of the time. 

I get back on my bike, riding home and checking the garage to make sure no one's home before walking in. I rush up to my bathroom and sift through the cabinets until I find a small blade. I look down at my scarred wrists and hesitate. I have second thoughts about it all. Maybe its not a good idea. Maybe.. I'll be okay without it. 

Then I remember, yesterday, and every other day like that. Then I press the cool metal to my skin, digging in until red seeps from it. It stings but is somehow relieving. I hate myself for doing it, and I'll regret it later, but its oddly addictive. I repeat the action a few times more then clean it up, bandaging my arms up. 

I shove on a hoodie, walking out to the kitchen for some sort of food. I walk around the small area for a while, before deciding its not worth the time to eat. I couldn't stomach anything anyways, with these memories flashing in my mind every few minutes. I walk back up to my room, sitting on my phone for most of the day. Then I get yet another text from Phil. 

Phil- hey

I look at the text until the notification disappears, tempted to just call him up and spend the night at his place. It would be so easy to sit in his room and talk for hours. That's the thing.. It's so easy to fall for him, to talk to him, be around him. Everything comes naturally. 

The thing I fear is that I'm not gonna be around much longer. My father will be the death of me, wether its his hands that kill me, or my own. I want to fall for Phil. I want to be with him. I want to know everything about him. But I have to distance myself, because I don't want to break him when I do die. 

Phil- I don't know if ur not ok or if ur just ignoring me, and I don't want to be too pushy.. but, text me back kay? 

I frown at the message, but turn my phone off, deciding I'll just make up some excuse tomorrow. I can't keep coming back to him like this. 

~~993 words~~