Save Me ; Phan ~ completed

chapter 19

||Dan's POV|| -Phil's House-

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be around him. I keep saying it'll be better that way. But what I'm slowly learning is life is a whole lot shittier without Phil Lester. 

Right now we're both laying on his bed in silence, having just arrived at his house after this morning's events. I honestly didn't mean to get myself into that situation, I'm just glad it ended like this. I'm not to happy it happened though, and I'd really rather rewind back to Saturday afternoon with Phil. Everything after that has been nothing but shit. 

Let's recount the horrible situations, why don't we? I was beaten and raped by my father and his friend, while unconscious. Which resulted in ugly marks all over me. Then I think it'd be wonderful to ignore Phil on Sunday. I also haven't eaten since Saturday and I cut a lot on Sunday. Then Monday morning I stay in bed, and come to school just as first period ends. Sam catches me in the hallways and beats me till I can't see straight. This causes Phil to get in a fight and make me regret everything. What a wonderful turn of events. *Note the sarcasm in that last statement.*

At this point I'm over everything, and just feel like crying. But as I did that all this morning I've got no tears left. So I'm left looking up at his ceiling a desperate sinking feeling in my chest. It seems that nothing can break me from the way I'm feeling right now. Everything sucks so terribly bad I'd rather be dead then live another day. 

Phil sits up in the bed and looks down at me worriedly. I see his eyes flicker to the space above my head and away from me completely. He bites his lip as his eyebrows come together and a frown appears on his lips. I'm still wondering why whenever he looks above my head he get's concerned.. 

I go back to staring at the ceiling and thinking dark things I wouldn't wish on anyone else. "Life fucking sucks sometimes." I sigh, speaking for the first time since we got here. 

"You aren't wrong about that." He agrees, falling back down next to me. 

"Let me rephrase that, life sucks all the time." I say, trying to ignore the pain that's well, everywhere. 

"Not all the time." 

"99% of the time." I say and he looks at me questioningly. "98% of the time?"

"Close enough." 

"Well, 95% of the time. The other 5% is when I'm with you, then life doesn't suck as bad." I say, thinking out loud. Theres a long silence and I wonder if what I said was somehow upsetting. Did I say too much? Does he not like me anymore? 

"Why didn't you text me at all yesterday?" He asks out of the blue, making me snap from my thoughts. 

"I.. I was just.. Being stupid." I say, unsure of how to put it. I can't just say, 'I thought you'd be better off without me' Can I?

"What was it?"

"I was just real in my head about what happened.. I just thought.." I trail off, closing my eyes as my head pounds. "I thought you would be better off without me." I say so quickly I couldn't even understand what I said.

"You what?"

"N-Nothing." I stutter, sitting up and rubbing my temples to try to ease my headache. 

"You can tell me." He says sweetly, sitting up next to me. 

"I just.. Thought you'd be better off without me." I say clearly this time. "And don't say that you wouldn't be because you and I both know that's not true. It'd be better for you to leave me behind. It's okay to admit. It's also okay if you say you know its a bad idea, but you want me around. Even if I'm a mess and this will end badly for the both of us."

"Okay. You're right. I would be 'better off' without you. But I don't want that. Cause I like you, and I can't just leave you behind. What kind of friend would I be if I did?" He says looking at me. 

"A smart one." 

"No, I wouldn't be a friend if I left you just because of something like this."

"Well, 'this' is a big deal." I say irritatedly. 

"I'm not saying that it isn't. I know it is. And I know you're gonna need someone to be there for you. I couldn't possibly leave." He says, and the way he said it makes me a bit upset. 

"But.. Maybe I don't need anyone." I say stubbornly. I don't need someone who's just here because I 'need someone'

"Dan-"

"All I'm saying is.. Don't get too close to me. I'm.. I.. Probably won't be around long.. I know that this is a good thing, whatever we've got.. But.. If I wind up dead or missing, I don't want you to be a mess over it." I cut him off and when I look over to him he's got glossy eyes. "I-"

"Dan, I hope you realize I'm already too close to you. If you left or died I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I would be a mess.." He says firmly, looking me in the eyes. "I'm not just here to keep you here. I'm here because I care. Because I love you. I don't care if you want to push me away. I'll still care, and I'll still love you." He finishes and I look at him and notice the sincerity.

 I know I'll probably decide otherwise later, but I think I love him too. I couldn't possibly say that out loud, but I do. He's the reason I'm still here. I don't know what we are. Are we friends? Are we dating, in a weird way? I don't know if I even want an answer. All I know is theres only one way to tell him how I feel. I grab him by the cheek and kiss him, worried at first this wouldn't go anywhere. My heart skips as he grabs me by the waist and pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. 

I didn't mean to, but in that moment, I think I fell in love. 

~~ 1046 words ~~

-also this is my own book and I'm screaming ab the ending on this one what am I doing with my life lmao- 

(Im legit fangirling over my own book cuz even I don't know where this is going. I mean I do but.. XD)