Save Me ; Phan ~ completed

chapter 55

A/N- this entire chapter is just Dan explaining something in a very long fashion. I guess it's good ? This is late and I wanted a chapter out today so you get a long ass dialogue. sorry! if I update tomorrow, it'll be better. For those of you who don't know I might not be posting well or at all in the next few days due to a hurricane. Also this was written in like 40 minutes with minimal editing.. okay continue on reading my children. 

||Phil's POV||

"I really mean it." He mumbles, tears building in his eyes. I shake my head, knowing he's trying to mean it, but we both know that's not the truth. 

"No promise can really be kept can it?" I wonder, zoning out in thought. 

"Well you don't know that.. I love you is a promise, right?" He says hopefully, breaking me from my thoughts. 

"Is that a promise that's gonna be kept?"

"Well it is in my case. I love you. I mean that."

"You can promise that about now, but maybe not forever."

"Are you doubting me?" He looks at me worriedly, frowning. 

"No, I'm just telling you the truth." I shrug, knowing we're overthinking the topic. 

"So you're saying that although you promise you love me, that might change?"

"Well.. I guess. You never know what might happen." I agree, not realizing how that sounded. 

"But-" He stops, his voice cracking as he throws an arm over his eyes. 

"I didn't mean it like that Angel." I shake my head, ruffling up his hair. "Hey, Listen. I love you.. And I'm not doubting that I won't love you forever.. But don't you think its a little cruel to say forever when that might not be the case?" 

"I guess you're right." He sniffles, biting his lip. I look down at him, and that bar above his head. What do I have to do to make that bar go up!? What do I say? This is so fucking frustrating. 

"Are you okay? I mean, I know it's an obvious answer, but.. Really."

"I'm not.. But I think you know that." He mutters, sitting up and cuddling into my side. There's a long silence before he speaks again. "Do you want to know why I was up on that bridge today?"

"I guess. If you don't mind telling me.."

"Well, it's not your fault. I know that's what you're thinking. I wasn't up there because of that fight. I knew I still loved you, and you clearly still loved me. I was just walking around, and thinking. If you know me, you know that thinking isn't really a good thing for me to do sometimes. I was thinking about everything that's happened. I'm not talking today, or yesterday.. I'm thinking, The past few years. Just like that everything flooded my mind and there was no way out. After thinking about all that the only conclusion I was able to come up with was, I'm not happy." He stops, thinking for a bit.

 "Truth is, I never really was. Since high school started I don't think I've ever been happy. Even before that. Then you came along and made things better, but I wasn't thinking about that. All I thought of was how even though you were there my dad still raped me, beat me. I was happy, but you were the only one who could make me that way. Then when you'd leave it'd go back to the depression. Now I've found myself unhappy even with you." He pauses, letting those last words linger in the air. "You know, my dad's gone, we're out of the town I hate, there are no more bullies and it's just us. I should be happy. I should be okay. So why am I still not happy? Why aren't I okay? The thing I realized was, I'm very depressed. And I guess that means I'll never really be happy. If that's the case, what's the point? Why am I still here if I can't ever be happy with the life I live? I know, I should stay alive for you. I want to, but sometimes that's so fucking hard. I know you want me here, and you wouldn't want me up on that ledge, but sometimes it feels like the better option. If my dad saw me up on that ledge, he'd laugh. He'd tell me it was about time, and he'd urge me to do it. He'd tell me I should've done it sooner. And those were the things in my head. Although, I knew that if you were there, you'd say something like don't do it, or it'll get better.. But honestly, It's been years. Nothing's getting any better. It's not that easy.." 

"I know.." 

"You don't. I'm sorry but you don't get it." 

"I know. I'll never get it. I understand that no one will ever get what this is like. Because this sucks. I'll never be able to comprehend it. But know I'm here. I'm trying. I really am."

"It just- God it sucks. I just wanna be okay. I wanna be happy. Then when I am happy depression will hit me and everything seems so much worse then it is. And you know Phil, I could be walking on a beach with you, laughing and having a wonderful time.. But then I'll be unhappy because of that small reminder in my head that I shouldn't be happy. Everything else in my body knows I should be ecstatic, but for some reason I listen to the little part of me. I'd go silent and stop in my tracks. You'd look over and question how in the world I could have that frown on my face.. The truth is, I didn't want to die. I still don't. I just don't want to continue a life where I won't be happy. And.. Depression doesn't care how happy you should be, because to depression you shouldn't be happy at all. As much as I fucking love you, that seems to be the thing to take over my thoughts sometimes."

"That's why I was up on that bridge. Because the fucking demons in my head won't give me a damn break. Because I still hear my father yelling at me, for simply existing. I still feel the punches. I can still hear my mom screaming as my father stabs her to death. I still know the pain of a razor blade gliding across my skin. Because I still feel the heartbreak of when I thought you never loved me.. So, in the longest way I've ever explained something to you, that's why."  

I blink back tears and look towards him. He's looking down with tears in his eyes and I can't help but hold him tighter. "I'm so sorry baby."

"Just please, stick around. I won't survive without you. That's a promise." 

~~1059 words~~