Save Me ; Phan ~ completed

chapter 33

||Phil's POV||

I got home and did what I always did, drop everything at the front door and trudge up to my room. It's not that I was particularly upset about anything in the moment, but everyone in my house was a little too happy. I found it quite frustrating. How good my life was compared to Dan's. He has quite the reason to envy me, or hate me. 

I must've just seemed like some goodie two shoes trying to make a difference. The truth is I never really had a good friend. Sure, people were a lot nicer to me then him, but I just never had anyone. Not that I was bullied, but no one really liked me. All I've ever wanted was someone who really gets me. Someone to care as much as I do. I would know, it sucks to love someone that doesn't love you back. 

Now I'm stuck hoping this time doesn't end like the last. My brother walks in, frowning at me from the doorway. "Can you get ou-"

"Phil. This needs to stop. I know it sucks, what's happening. But you can't let it control your life." He cuts me off, crossing his arms. 

"Yes I can. And I will." I huff, sitting up and looking over at him. 

"Why are you so damn stubborn?" He rolls his eyes, sitting across from me on my bed. 

"Can you just leave me al-"

"No." He cuts me off quickly. "You can't keep sulking around. I know you love him or whatever.. but-"

"What if this was you?" I say quickly, this time being the one to cut him off. "What if this happened to you and your girlfriend?"

"Well... I.." He trails off, thinking. 

"Exactly." I say, proving my point and falling back against the bed. "This is a lot harder then you think."

"No, Phil. You think I don't get it. Which is fine. But I know this has to be difficult."

"Yeah, but you don't even know what I should do. It's not like I can just go over to his house with a rose and be like, 'love me!?' I know he's falling apart. I just know it. And there's nothing I can do because he keeps pushing me away!" I shout, frustrated tears glazing over my eyes. 

"I know.." He says, trying to be comforting. "I mean, it can't end as bad as last time with Al-"

"Stop. Don't." I say, cutting him off before he can say his name. "It's not like this is a fucking game. It's not last time. This is completely different."

"Its not that different, he killed-"

"Quit it okay!?" I yelp, breaking down in tears. "Don't try to compare them. Please."

"Okay. I'm sorry.. It's been 2 years Phil.. I hope you still aren't attached." He says it like he has no clue what happened. It only makes me so much more upset. 

"You try having your fucking boyfriend kill himself after you tell him your deepest secret! Then go ahead and tell me you aren't still 'attached!' It was MY fault! He did that because of ME. If I just kept my mouth shut everything would've been o-okay.." I shout, breaking down in sobs after I finish the last sentence. 

"Fuck. Phil, I'm sorry."

"Just f-fucking leave it." I say, biting back a sob as I try to hold it together. 

"What the fuck even happened?" He asks curiously. I realize I never really told him the whole story. 

"You know I met him when I was 14. We were friends, but not too close. When I came out he said he liked guys too. When I was 15 we got together, and that's the same year I got the power. Or a fucking curse, I'm not sure yet. I realized he was real close to dying. I tried everything I could. We had only been dating a month. I pushed it because it was new and I didn't know how to handle this. I told him one night as an attempt to get him to stay. But it pushed him over the edge. He thought it was the only reason I was around." I pause, wiping my eyes and sniffling. "But Alex and Dan are completely different. I was friends with Alex for a while before. He didn't have much of a reason to be the way he was. He just had mental problems I suppose.. I wanted Alex to stay, but I never truly loved him. He never loved me. We just needed an excuse to stick around. As much as it hurts to say, I just didn't want to see him die. Although thats what I did." I stop, thinking about it all for a minute of silence. 

"I.. Shit. That's some heavy shit for a 15 year old." He says unsure how else to respond. 

"But, Dan is completely different. He.. He's so sweet. He's too nice for the things that happen to him. He's got all the reasons in the world to want to die. Not that Alex didn't, he had his own demons. I just, don't see how Dan can stick around. I know he doesn't want to. I know that I'm just another reason for him to want to go. But god, I'm going to have to tell him one day. What if it happens again?"

"It won't."

"I can't lose him. I just can't. Dan is.. Just.. I'm in love with him. I am. And I think he hates me right now. I'd do anything for him. I just don't want to ruin it."

"He doesn't hate you Phil. People that've been abused like that, they refuse to believe that anyone cares. I'm not saying that that's particularly why. But he doesn't want to get attached. He probably cares as much as you do. He's just afraid he'll ruin your life."

"But he won't." I mumble, crying again. "He can't."

~~980 words~~

A/N - look at me double posting XD

ok but what I'm here to say is... u guys can follow my Instagram for lil sneak peeks on my story now and then. 

its that.phangirl.mickey 

k thats all! Bai!

-M