No love like hers (Jessie J)

Chapter 18: Reality hits hard.

Chapter 18 - Jessie's POV

I didn't hear much from Rose the days after she had met my friends. I started thinking that maybe I had pissed her off by being so cool that night in the car. For that reason I didn't dare to call her myself, afraid that my premonition would get confirmed. Pathetic, isn't it? But I just didn't want to know for sure there was something wrong between us, 'cause then there was no way back. 

Because I would go nuts if I'd overthink it all too much, I spent my days sorting out which songs I would take into the studio. I had been emailing  a lot with my manager lately and according to him things were gonna happen very soon now. I realised he had been saying that for quite a long time already, but it seemed that he was really meaning it this time. I had settled myself on the couch with my laptop and listened to all my songs with my head laid back. The ones I definitely wanted to produce I placed in a special playlist and the ones where I had still some doubts about got placed in another one. All my songs were just pure vocals without any music except for a few where I played some basic guitarchords along. Butterflies were crashing my stomac when I fantasised about my music getting produced with a real tune and everything. I still couldn't believe that was all gonna happen in about a month. It all felt like one big dream. 

The butterflies got crushed again any seconds later as my breath got caught by familiar strumming turning up as next song. It was Square One, a song I had written after my breakup with Emma. The song was about how hard it is to go back to being on your own after you had been sharing everything with the one you loved. I had put my all in it back then and after a whole year it was still as emtional to listen to as when I wrote it. All the wrecked feelings came back everytime I heard it. As soon as my own voice started singing the lyrics, the battle with upcoming tears began. 'Roll the dice, double two. No more us, no me and you. What a struggle, I took a risk. Another life, another kiss.'  Before I realised what I was doing I shut down my computer, pushed it away and burried my head in the cussions on the couch. I was crying. Still too weak to win. 

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Reality is a bitch when it hits you. And at moments like those, it always hit me hard. Compare it to watching a tennisgame; there is a ball and a racket. The racket hits the ball with such a strong power, such a strength that causes the ball to get smashed to the whole other side of the field. I'm the ball. Simple as that.

At those moments my mind won't stop testing me, it takes me to the cliff of what I've build up through those months and tries to push me off. Through the year I've learnt myself not to give in, but every time it was freaking hard. You know when something happens and you start thinking 'what if' ? That's exactly what happens to me in those situations. I start asking myself things like 'What if I had been a better girlfriend for Emma? What if I had told her more often that I loved her? What if I had bought her another present for her birthday? What if I had made her something else for dinner the night before? What if any of that would have caused things to turn out differently?' Crazy, isn't it? I know. I know that very well, but I just couldn't help it. It's like my mind loses every single bit of control and just starts running wild. In a negative way, clearly. And it kills me, every time again. And though I knew that I would never know the answer to those stupid questions, I kept on wondering. Days, weeks and months of wondering. Until now. Something clicked in my head and I stopped wondering. I stopped wondering because I realised, I finally realised, that all those things wouldn't have made a difference. Not a single one. She would've left me anyway. And nothing could've changed that. It just had to happen.

After almost twelve months of crying at night, feeling lost and wondering why, I finally realised it was just the way it had to go. Life had planned this for me, because there was someone else, someone better waiting for me. And that someone was Rose. With that thought I crawled up and walked to my bedroom. I reached for my guitar and brought it to the living room. Settled back on the couch, I started writing a song. Only this time it wasn't about breaking up, it was about being in love.

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After an hour of working on the song, I moved my guitar back to the bedroom and made myself some tea. When I sat back down I felt the urge to speak with Rose. I couldn't take it any longer not hearing a single thing from her. I grabbed my phone and finally called her. I got nervous when the waitingtone lasted more than 5 times. When I was about to hang up, her voice suddenly filled my ear.

'Jessie...'

'Rose...'

We were just listening to each other's breathing for like half a minute. Just before it got creepy, she decided to break the silence.

'I'm sorry.'

'For what?'

'For not showing a sign of being alive the passed few days.'

'I guess you had your reasons.'

'I guess I did...'

'And you're not gonna tell me?'

'I guess I'm not.'

'Okay... So we're good?'

'I guess we are.'

Another breathing-silence.

'Guess what?' I said and we both had to laugh.

'What?'

'It's someone's birthday in a few days.'

'Ohh really? Whose?'

'Some pretty girl I've met a couple of weeks ago. She's like to sweetest, most beautiful, sexiest, most wonderful lady walking around on planet earth.'

'You know that movie-actrices don't count as real people, right?'

'Thanks for ruining my attempt to seduce you, babe.'

'You're welcome.'

We laughed again.

'No but serious now, Rose. I wanna invite you for a special Rose-turns-eighteen-dinner. What do you think?'

'Who's the cook?'

'Jessica Cornish in her very own person.'

'I'm in.'

'Ahh, great. 6.30 at my place?'

'I'll be there.'

'Alright. See you this Friday.'

'Okay... Ohh and uhm Jess? Just so you know, you've already seduced me a long time ago.'

'I love you, Rose.'

'I love you too.'

A smile was still plastered on my face when she hung up. I can't describe how happy I was to know that things were alright again, but I can tell you it came pretty close to unhealthy happy. It felt like I couldn't stop smiling anymore. And the butterflies in my stomac had also come back to life. They were flying around like they were participating in a butterflymarathon.

A bit later I took my computer back up to take a look at my mails. I was expecting one from my manager because he had mentioned earlier that he would give me more details about recording very soon. I opened my mailbox and went to get another tea while it was loading. When I came back I saw he had sent me one, titled surprise. Curious as I was I opened it and started reading full of excitement. But what first was excitement, turned into mixed feelings during reading. He had some great news for me, more than great actually. It was wonderful news. In different circumstances I probably would have screamed from excitement and happiness. But somehow I couldn't, not right now. All I could do was mumble to the screen 'Ohh crap... Rose ain't gonna like this... She ain't gonna like this...' How was I ever going to tell her about this...

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A.N. : I don't know if I have to like this chapter or not... Anyway, it's one dedicated to my 'What if'-feelings. Keep reading 'cause there's some cheesy-ness waiting for you guys in the next one... Upload soon!