No love like hers (Jessie J)

Chapter 24: Nightmare fears.

Chapter 24 - Jessie's POV

I shot straight up gasping for air, my hands grabbing the sheets and stuffing my mouth to muffle a scream. While tears were wetting the fabric, I was hysterically attempting to control my sobbing. Without opening my eyes I reached next to me, my hand registering every little centimeter of the bed until my fingers touched something warm and living. A relieved sigh was unlocked from deep down my lungs, my hand resting on Rose's arm for a couple of seconds. Then I finally dared to turn my head and look at her, my eyes finding my gorgeous girl, her face hid in the cussions, her body twisted into something that looked like an uncomfortable sleepingpose. Thank God, she was still there. 

Trying not to wake her up I sneaked from between the sheets and tripped out of the bedroom without making a sound. Once the door was closed behind my back I started walking, running and eventually sprinting to the bathroom where I ended up throwing up in the sink. Tears and snot dripping over my face got mixed with the acid disgusting much that got pushed out of my stomach. After coughing and splashing warm water in my face I stared into the mirror. The water dripping from my hair and face made it look like some creepy moviescene. I looked slightly horrific, with dark cirkles around my eyes and remnants of makeup sticking on my cheeks. I sighed, grabbed a towel and rubbed until the skin of my face turned brightly red. Like that made it a lot better. 

Once I had myself back under control I left the bathroom and threw myself on the couch in the living room. Staring at the black screen of the tv I tried to swallow new upcoming tears. 'What the hell', I mumbled to myself. The nightmare, which was the cause of all this restless noctural shit, wouldn't let go of me. I had dreamed that I woke up in an empty apartement the morning we were about to leave to LA. Closetdoors wide open, clothes gone. Toiletries gone. Pictures gone. It was like a deja vu, but a hundred times worse, although I thought that could never be possible. It felt so real. So... not dreamy. While trying not to let out that scream, I didn't even dare to open my eyes, that afraid of the nightmare to become reality. Now I was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. My mind was empty, except for one thought taking it all over... Emma.

It was only now that I realised the texting had just stopped as unexpected as it had started. The last time I had heard something from her was that night in the pub when Holly had saved the peace between me and Rose. I still didn't get what she had been trying to achieve with those texts. Had she really thought that she could solve it all in that way? That with a couple of texts I would come running back into her arms? What did she want to accomplish? I just didn't know. I was wondering why she had already given up the attempt of making contact after two texts. Not that I would've replied on a third or a forth one... At least I didn't think so. But what was the whole point she had tried to make? In thoughts about that whole curious happening, I searched for my phone and found it in the kitchen. Leaning against the counter I started scrolling through the conversations, holding still once my eyes crossed the number. I hadn't deleted them yet.

While analysing the two texts with my eyes, my thumb hovered above the screen, doubting to push the bin or not. Because I was in such deep thougths, I hadn't heard Rose entering the room. 'Whatyadoing?' I suddenly heard her sleepy voice. My head shot up and I almost dropped my phone. 'For fucks sake Rose!' I spat but apologised right after. 'I'm sorry', I muttered. She didn't seem to bother, probably because she was still half asleep, and walked towards me. 'You alright?' she yawned. 'Yeah... I just...' I was doubting if I should tell her or not. In some way I wanted to, but then again I didn't want the past to come between us. 'I couldn't sleep because there were some new lyrics haunting me', I eventually said while shrugging my shoulders. 'Okay', she said while whiping her eyes and messing her hair up. 'You coming to bed then?' she muttered. 'Yeah, baby, sure... Just a second...' That answer seemed to be pleasant enough for her, 'cause she was already making her way back to bed while nodding. A little smile appeared on my lips, how cute was she to come and check on me. At those moments I hated myself for not realising enough how lucky I was to have her. Why did I let the past haunt me? Still. Altough I had everything to be the happiest girl on the planet, it still wasn't good enough. How fucked up was I? I should better get some more sleep. I sauntered back to the bedroom and only realised how cold I was once the sheets were wrapped around me body. I pushed myself against Rose and she softly moaned in her sleep when I rested my arm on her stomach. Her scent filled my nose and caused me to return back to another world in seconds. 

-----------------------------------------

When I woke up the next morning I got a little panicattack when I found an empty space next to me. The images from the night started slamming the insides of my head again and all I could think of was: where is she? I crawled out of bed and started half running  through the apartement. I think I kinda looked drunk, bumping against the walls several times because of the sleepy vision I still had. I froze in the kitchen doorway when I saw her perfect body leaning against the kitchen counter, preparing eggs and toast for breakfast. I had troubles catching my breath and stood leaning with one arm against the jamb like I had just ran a marathon. Filling two glasses with juice, Rose looked up when she heard me making weird noises while trying to figure out a way to fill my lungs with air. 'Nooo... Why are you up already?' she muttered. 'I was gonna bring you breakfast in bed.' I tried to force a smile, but instead I started caughing along with the squeeking noises. 'Jessie?' she asked worried. When she saw my pale face and my hands gripping the jamb she put down the can and ran towards me. 'Jessie?' she repeated while gripping my wrists and trying to make eyecontact. 'What's wrong?' I tried to say something but that didn't really work out. 'Air', I eventually whispered. Rose dragged me to the couch and pushed me down. She squatted in front of me and ordered me to calm down. 'Breath in through your nose and out through you mouth', she said in a strict voice. 'Focus!' She looked deep into my eyes while breathing along with me. After a while I finally had it under control again. 

'Are you gonna tell me what happened there?' Rose asked half an hour later when we were sat at the table to have breakfast. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. 'Jess...' she laid her hand on mine and stroked the skin with her thumb. 'Come on...' she said. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. 'I had a bad dream last night... about you', I admitted. 'Well, actually about something that happened in the past. But this time you were the one causing it...' I knew it was vague, because Rose had no idea what I was talking about. But  when I looked at her she was just nodding understandingly and encouraging me with her eyes to go on. Maybe this was the moment were I just had to let it all out. I didn't want the past to come between us, but maybe by not talking about it and bottle it all up, it was already in the way. I stared at Rose, realising she had the right to know what was going on in my head, and took a last deep breath, preparing myself for take off. 'Before I met you, I have been single for about a year. My last girlfriend was Emma, we have been dating for like fifteen months. After ten months she moved in with me, so we lived together for almost half a year. One day, I woke up and she was... gone.' I saw how Rose was holding her breath, her face showing how sorry she was for me while she squeezed my hand a bit, letting me know it was okay. 'She had taken all her stuff with her', I continued. 'Just like that. She didn't even leave a note...' my voice started to crack. 'Last night I dreamed you did the same to me... When I woke up this morning in an empty bed I thought my dream had turned into reality...' The upcoming tears smothered my voice and my vision got blurry. 'Oh baby....' Rose whispered while wiping a tear from my cheek and stroking my skin with her thumb. 'I'm sorry', I whispered. 'For what?' she asked. 'For all this.' Rose stood up, walked towards me and cuddled me from behind. 'I'm glad you told me', she said. 'But you should've done it earlier.' I nodded almost not noticable. 'I love you', she said and planted a kiss on my hair. 'You know that, right?' I nodded again. 'Well, then you know those dreams will never become reality. I wouldn't do that to you. Never. It's over now, you don't have to think about her anymore. We're together now and we're building up a new life. Just you and I.' I turned around and kissed her on the lips. 'I'm sorry', I mumbled again. Only this time because I felt bad for not telling her about the texts. I guess there were limits on how far I would let the past in. For now, I think I've had enough. 

________________________

A.N. : Thought I had to bring in a little reminder of the Emma-case as it was a while ago. Next up they're leaving to LA, I promis ;)