No love like hers (Jessie J)

Chapter 38: Tell me about it.

Jessie's POV

Before I realised what I was doing I had locked myself up in my dressingroom. Sweat was breaking out and I still couldn't find a way to inhale the oxygen I needed. I didn't know how I came there, all I knew was that I wasn't going back. Everything was spinning around in circles and I couldn't keep it up anymore. My stomac content ended up in the sink and the hysterical sobbing blinded my eyes. I collapsed and felt the cold wall slide against my back. The top of my outfit got soaked and coloured by remains of the the make up which had been worked on for so long. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and the flesh wound was now buring as hell. Why? Why her? Hadn't she destroyed my life enough already? Now that I finally had myself back together she had to appear and ruin it all over again. 

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I didn't have a clue of how long I sat there staring into nowhere while rivers of tears were streaming down my face. Eventually I managed to get myself under control again, but the flesh wound burned harder than ever. I pushed myself up and clung to the sink. I got a slight heart attack once my eyes met the reflection in the mirror. Traces of make up covered my whole face and my eyes were all red and swollen. I quickly gripped the first thing I could find and started to rub it all away. It hurt as all but I kept on scrubbing like crazy. Once the black was gone there was only bare red skin left. My face felt like one big burn but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. All I could think of was the girl who had made her entrance in that studio. That destroying smile and those killing eyes. Just one look and they had shot me back to were I was more than a year ago. Mentally broken.

I got snatched out of my thoughts by a hesitant knock on the door. I froze while keeping an eye on it in the mirror. I hoped that if I'd keep quiet, whoever was standing behind it would just go away. Once I saw the door handle going downwards I knew that was nothing but lost hope. Thinking it'd probably be William, I sighed and tilt my head back. Please, I just wanted to be left alone. I leaned on the sink and closed my eyes. I heard the door creak a little bit when it got pushed open and silent footsteps made their way in.

"I know you're mad and I know I fucked up but please go away. I understand that my manager has to scold me for this but just not now, okay?" It stayed quiet and I could feel some sort of tension filling the room.

"Nice to see you again too." 

My eyes shot open as soon as the voice entered my ears. No way, this was a joke. I glanced at the mirror and saw the blue oceans staring back at me. Fucking shit, she had some courage. I tried to avoid any eyecontact, but somehow I just couldn't. It was like I was under control of some magnetic force that was too strong to break. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked hoarsly, surprised by the fact I could bring something out. As hard as I tried, I just couldn't let go of that gaze. 

"I work here... As a photographer. I moved to LA a couple of months ago and do freelance jobs for several artists now. I was supposed to have a shoot with Jessie J today. I honestly didn't have clue that'd be you..." Great. I had totally forgotten that she was busy with photography. What kind of karma was this though? Out of so many people she had to end up here with me. 

"Perfect." The sarcasm was dripping off my tone. You know, this was such an awkward thing. I stood there with my back turned to her but we were constantly looking each other in the eye through the mirror. The longer we stood there staring, the more I felt my heart break in several pieces over and over again. I was facing the girl who had turned my life into a real nightmare. Because of her I hadn't left my apartement for more than two months. She had slammed my heart into a million of pieces and it had taken ages for me to pick them up and heal it again. And now that I was happy with someone else, she suddenly popped up again and put me there all over. Just seeing her face was enough to lose it all again. 

"You smashed my heart to pieces", I suddenly stated and I couldn't hide the crack in my voice. The magnetic force got broken by Emma looking away a bit hurt. No, she wasn't gonna play the roll of victim, was she?

"I'm sor-" she started but I didn't let her. 

"Oh no, don't go that way", I spat and turned around to face her properly. It was the first time since she had left me that I saw her in person again and suddenly standing so close to her got me speechless for a split second. "You... You left me... Without a single word..." New upcoming tears started suffocating my voice and couldn't do anything but let them. The silence was more awkward than ever as we just stood there both trying to look away but the magnetic force wouldn't let us another time. 

"I've tried to contact you", Emma eventually brought up half whispering. I smirked and shook my head. 

"Did you really think that would solve things after a year? You waited a full year to show any sign of you! That moment I woke up in an empty bed was the worst moment of my life and you waited a whole year to let me hear something from you. Did you really think I'd answer those texts? I'm not a fucking doll you can pick up when you want her!" I got startled by Emma gripping my wrist as soon as those words hit her. 

"I'm not playing with you, Jessie! I love you!" Tears were rolling down her cheeks now too. My heart skipped a beat as soon as I realised what she had just said. 

"You what?" I asked, almost without a sound. My whole body was aching and I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. "Stop playing games with me", I begged her brokenly. Emma loosened her grip and took my hands in hers instead. I wanted her to let go of me, but I couldn't force myself to pull back. 

"This is not a game", she said quietly. "I've never stopped loving you. I only realised what I got when I ran away of it. I was scared to bound, Jessie. I was fucking scared to get stuck up in a serious life. But once I had left you, I realised that a serious life is everything I want."

"Why did you wait all that time? Why did you let me suffer that long?" 

"I felt ashamed. I thought that you'd never want to see me again. I thought that if I'd go back it would never be the same again. I just couldn't do it. But you have to believe me..." She stroked the back of my hand with her thumb and gazed deep into my eyes. "I've never stopped loving you, Jess."

I wanted to do so many things at that moment. I wanted to shout at her, scream how she had ruined me. I wanted to push her away and run as fast as I could to never see her again. I wanted to do all the things I had been bottling up for all those months, but I didn't. Instead I let the emotions of the moment take over. Emma tucked a bit of hair behind my ear and her thumb caressing my skin made me forget about everything else. For a moment the world around us didn't exist anymore. 

"You are everything I want", she whispered. I managed to slowly shake my head in disbelief but she stopped me by taking my chin in her hand. She made me drown in her eyes like she always used to do. She new she could make me do anything. And I knew she could ruin me all over again. 

"I have a-"

Before I could even try to block this off, I got silenced by her lips attaching to mine. God, I didn't want this but at the same time it felt more right than anything. It felt like coming home after a journey that had lasted way too long. When her fingers sneaked under my top and made their way up and down my back, it felt like I had never been away of this. When her tongue asked my lips for entrance I totally lost myself. Before I knew it, my clothes ended up on the floor and I followed not much later.