Telekinesis (Joshler)

Chapter Five

Tyler's POV

"So Tyler, why are you late?" Helen says as I rush into her room.

"I-I...I was in the f-forest..." I say as I sit down.

"How are you?"

I shrug and look out the window. It's a gloomy day like always. How am I gonna tell Helen I killed another person? I could go to jail! Tyler you're such a bad person...

"Tyler, what are you thinking about?" she asks, probably silently praying I don't answer the way I answered last time she asked.

I shrug again.

"You don't know or don't wanna talk about it?"

I shrug.

"Come on Tyler, you will feel better if you did!"

I shake my head while looking out the window.

You feel that?  Blurry spits.

What?

It's guilt. You're crazy if you think you can kill someone and not feel guilty!

I am guilty...I am a horrible person! I act like im fine and dandy, like the murder of Johnny didn't faze me but in all honesty im lying to myself and everyone around me. I feel terrible for killing him. I was never the same since the murder. I never meant to hurt him...it just happened...and now im on the run and go. I killed him and I regret it so much right now. I tried telling myself it was his fault and that im not to blame but I am. I am a bad person, a fuck up that shouldn't be alive. I should have died not Johnny...how does Helen still think im sane? I killed someone, I Tyler Robert Joseph am a MURDERER! This self-loathing is eating me alive...this guilt is drowning me...

"H-how do you s-sit there a-and not w-worry I w-will k-kill you?" I stutter while looking out the window; longing for death to take me before the guilt does.

"Because Tyler, I trust you. I know you won't because you already are dealing with the guilt of Johnny's death and adding another load of guilt would be too much for you." She says confidently.

Silence takes over for about five minutes. I stare out the window still. Why me? Why am I the crazy person that kills people? I couldn't control myself when I killed them...im crazy...im evil...im unpredictable and I hate that. I hate that I can't control this fucking curse! I hate that I can so easily kill someone and never get into trouble for it! I hate it! I HATE ME! I stare but my eyes are glassed over with tears that threaten to spill.

"I need something to kill me, im tired of taking my own life..." I softly sing.

It's a song I wrote not that long after Johnny's death; when I was starting to feel the guilt trap me. I know it's only 14 words but those 14 words hold so much power...It's true, I need something to kill me...

"What?" Helen asks as she looks at me.

"I won't take much of your time, I just want you to see, what I have made inside these lines, It's as good as I can be, It's as good as I can be, this is all that I can be, this is all that I can be, all that I can be..." I trail off singing another song I wrote.

"What are you doing?" She muttered while in shock.

"Head tilted down, knees on the ground, and I will ask please...save..." I whisper as a tear falls down my face.

I keep looking out the window while wiping my tears.

"Are you okay Tyler?" Helen asks.

Does it look like im okay woman?!

"Talk about it. It will help." She says.

"I...killed someone..." I whisper as tears flow down my hot face.

"I know. Tyler it's in the past, you were in pain." She says.

I shake my head. God I hate myself so much!

"N-no...I-I..." I trail off not knowing even how to say that I killed ANOTHER person.

"Go on Tyler, say what you have to say." She pushes.

"Im going home..." I mumble as I rush out of her office and start to run.

I run as fast as I can into the forest. The guilt is tearing me up! I climb the tallest tree I can see and sit watching the wind move the leaves. Eventually I calm down and go home. I get in the door as my phone starts ringing.

"Hello?" I ask.

"Hey Tyler, dad and I will be home tomorrow before you get home from school." Mom says.

"Okay." I say.

"You okay Ty?" Mom says.

"Yeah everything is just peachy mom..." I mumble.

"Tyler, what is wrong?"

"Oh nothing, just the fact that im a murderer and im always alone and im so tired, god im so fucking tired but I can't sleep because there is this thing mom, this thing called guilt, I don't know if you've ever felt it but it keeps me awake oh and also the voices telling me to fucking jump off a bridge keep me awake, let's not forget school mom, school is great! I have been beaten up about three times and everyone hates me already, don't worry mom, im having a fucking blast while you're out of town..." I frantically say.

I just lost it with my mom...I let it all out apart from what actually is wrong! Why is it so hard to tell her I killed another kid? Im so done with living I swear I will die a liar.

"Tyler, honey calm down. Everything is going to be okay, do you want me to come home now?" She says worried.

I love my mom but she just doesn't see that everything ISNT okay.

"Nah im fine, Im sorry...I-Im gonna...im gonna go t-to bed...g-goodnight..." I say.

"You sure Ty? I can come home early! Are you eating?"

"Yes mom im sure, I just lost my cool, and yes im eating..." I lie.

I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. I don't need food, I need a noose around my neck.

"Okay. Goodnight baby." She says.

"Goodnight." I say as I hang up.

I lay in bed looking up at the ceiling, just thinking about Johnny and the other kids families and how they don't have a son anymore, how a brother, a son, a grandson was taken away from them and in the most unexpected way. I shouldn't be here...I can't take it anymore, I have to do it! I get up and go to my desk, pulling out a pen and paper.

'Dear Mom and Dad,

Im sorry this has to be how it ends for me but I can't take it anymore; the guilt, the pain is just too much. When I killed Johnny, it changed me...you probably could tell. I became quiet, shameful, alone. What happened to the crazy and happy Tyler? I don't know him anymore...

The night I killed Johnny, I also killed one more person...Tyler Joseph. Physically im alive...or was, but internally I died too. I never meant to hurt you all. Im sorry. Please don't miss me, Im not worth remembering. Im just a stupid murderer that struggled to stay alive...

I love you both so much and im sorry this is the end. I wish I could have been a better son...

-xoTyjo'

I finish writing the note with tears flowing. Am I really gonna do this? I leave it on my desk so they will see when they clean out my room once im gone. How am I doing this? I could cut...or swallow pills...or jump...maybe hang myself? Out of all the options the most appealing is hanging myself, but where? I haven't got anywhere to hang from...

The forest?  Blurry whispers in my ear.

Yeah...