Stonehearts 5: Emerald

Eighteen

Nakahiga ako sa kama ko, naghihintay kung kalian ako matatapos magmukmok, kung kalian ko kayang tanggapin ang mga susunod na mangyayari kay Marc, kung kalian ko maiisipan na hindi ko na desisyon ang ipagpatuloy pa ang laban naming dalawa.

Nilalaro ko ang engagement ring ko sa palasinsingan ko, iniisip ang mga masasaya at mga pagsubok na dinaanan naming dalawa.

Nakakatawa 'diba?

Sabi ko hinding-hindi ko siya susukuan, sabi ko hinding-hindi ko siya iiwanan, pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko? Nanay na niya mismo ang nag-utos na sumuko at magpatalo na ako.

Mapakla akong natawa habang patuloy ang pagdaloy ng luha ko. Gusto ko sanang iwan na rin itong singsing sa bedside table ni Marcus pero ibanaon ito ni Mama Belen sa palad ko sabay sabing akin ito, wala silang karapatang kunin 'yon dahil ibinigay ito sa akin ni Marcus.

He gave it to me with his heart and the promise of a lifetime with him. But of all those things were snatched away from me, from us. 'Yong bahay, anak, pamilya, plano na napag-usapan naming naglaho na lang na parang bula. Walang paabiso, walang pasabi.

Bumangon ako at nagtungo sa cabinet ko kung nasaan ang box ng bridal gown ko na matagal nang natetengga roon. Simula nang natanggap ko ito, hindi ko binuksan, hindi ko nagawang silipin man lang. Hindi ko kayang titigan na hindi nadudurog ang puso ko. Hindi ko kayang masilayan na hindi ko naiisip na kailaman hindi ko na maisusuot ito.

Umupo ako sa sahig at ipinatog ang napakalaking kahon sa hita ko. 'Yong luha ko dinaig pa ang agos ng tubig sa talon sa bilis nang pagbagsak, 'yong kamay ko daig pa ang kabadong esudyante sa panginginig, at ang puso ko...puso kong alam kong nasa dibdib ko pa dahil dinaig pa nito ang isang atleta sa bilis nang bawat pintig.

Ilang beses akong humugot ng malalalim na hininga, iniisip na baka himatayin ako kapag nakita ko ang puting trahe de bodang pinagtulungan namin ni Marcus piliin.

Unti-unti kong inangat ang takip, nabalot pa ito muli ng papel sa loob. Dahan-dahan kong binuklat at tumambad sa akin ang isang damit na mas lalong makakapagbiyak ng puso ko.

Hindi ko na alam ang susunod na naisip ko pero binuklat ko ito at itinaas para pagmasdan ang milyu-milyong rhinestones na nakatahi sa corset-type na pang-itaas nito, ang princess type na ibaba nito na pili ni Marcus. Naalala ko pa noon, sabi niya gusto niyang mala-prinsesa ang susuotin kong wedding gown dahil gusto niyang maramdaman ko na kaya niyang tuparin ang mga fairytales na napapanood ko noon.

"I may neither a prince nor a king, but I will always treat you like royalty because you will always be my greatest thing that's ever happened to me."

His voice suddenly echoed in my brain and without any caution, the waterworks worsened.

My mom probably heard my cries because the next thing I know she was beside me while I was clutching my wedding dress tight against my chest.

She was trying to console me by rocking me back and forth but to no avail. It feels like a nail was hammered into my heart, slowly, very slowly it was being pushed deeper and deadlier, murdering me and my emotions.

It has only been two days after I was sent home from the hospital. Mama Belen thought it was for the best. Her parting words were, "Mas mabilis kang makaka-recover kung hindi mo na siya makikita."

And nothing more could ever break my heart, my existence.

Sana ganoon lang kadali 'yong sinabi niya.

Gusto kong awayin ang tadhana. Gusto kong tanungin kung bakit niya pa kami pibayaang magtagpo kung hindi naman niya kami hahayaang maging masaya.

Ano? Para matuto? Matuto saan? Matutong bumangon kapag nadapa? Ang sarap niyang murahin. Dahil hindi niya lang ako tinisod, ibinaon niya pa ako sa putikan hanggang sa alam niyang hindi na ako makakabangon.

"Mommy, hindi ko na kaya. Ang sakit-sakit na." Hikbi ko.

Mom framed my face with her palms before she rested a kiss on my forehead.

"It hurts because what you felt was real. True love is both a blessing and a curse, it's up to us as to how we will view it." She whispered.

"Pero bakit ganito? Bakit parang lahat na ng pasakit sa mundo sinalo ko mom? Nagkulang ba ako? Have I not done enough?"

She shook her head immediately before wiping my tears with her thumb. "You did enough. The essence of life is learning that sometimes, things and people aren't cut for us. It's okay to fall, to be wounded, to take a break, but the most important thing is to keep going. I know it's easier said than done, but my dear, do you think Marcus is happy with you being like this?"

Then the image of him making funny faces just to make me smile in front of me invaded my mind. I shook my head, sniffing, holding whatever piece of me I can pull together and watching some parts of me crumble at the same time.

"Let me answer that for you. No, he is not. But this happened and we got to go on from there. I am not telling you to forget him, but make him a memory, the greatest and absolute one you could ever store in your heart and in your mind. That's the best thing you could do for him. Store him here," She said, touching my temple. "And in here." Crossing my heart.

And I couldn't say more.

Mommy held me long enough for me to calm down. She advised that I should take a rest since everything has become emotionally tiring from me. Mommy was the last image I saw before I closed my eyes and the last thing I heard before I drifted to sleep was the sound of my ugly tears, my mom's soothing lullaby voice, and the cries of my bruised and shattering heart.