Stonehearts 5: Emerald

Thirty Five

It was as if I am back to my old self. Bigla akong binalot ng lungkot, galit at kung ano pang hindi ko maintindihan. Ilang minuto pa lang simula ng umalis si Cael, ramdam na ramdam ko na ang pinagkaiba ng buhay ko ngayong wala na siya.

I hugged myself and continued sobbing. The emotional pain has become physical that I am starting to feel it crushing my whole being.

Fvck. I blew it. I destroyed what Cael and I had.

Oreo climbed on my side and rested his tiny head on my lap as I continue to cry. Iyak lang ako nang iyak habang umaasa na baka naman babalik si Cael. Babalik siya at tutuparin ang mga sinabi niya, na hindi niya ako iiwan kahit na anong mangyari.

Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako dahil sa paghagulgol. Nagising ako pasado alas-onse ng gabi at binalot na ng dilim ang buong unit ko.

My throat felt so dry and my puffy eyes stings whenever I blinked. I sat down at reached for the lamp to give me a little light. Nilingon ko ang paligid ko, umaasa pa rin na baka bumalik na si Cael. But an empty and quiet space was all there was.

Muling nangilid ang mga luha sa mata ko. Gusto ko siyang hanapin, gusto na siyang kausapin, gusto ko na siyang mayakap at mahalikan. I felt so empty. From the moment he walked out, it felt like he has taken all the light in my world with him.

Dali-dali kong hinanap ang cellphone ko at sinubukang tawagan ang number niya. Ilang beses kong ginawa pero panay busy tone lang ang naririnig ko. Mas lalo akong naiyak, ayaw na niya ata talaga, napagod na ata talaga siya sa akin.

Sunod kong tinawagan si Mom. Nasagot naman niya agad at mukhang nagising ko siya.

"M-ma...." I called out.

The groggy sound of her voice became alert and worried in a matter of seconds. "Era, anak ko. Why are you crying?"

"Mommy....I ruined it. I ruined what we have." I said in between my ugly crying. Hindi ko nga alam kung naintindihan ako ni Mommy.

"What do you mean?" She said as I hear rustling from the other end of the line. "Where are you? Nasa condo ka ba? Pupuntahan kita."

I whispered yes and then she said goodbye and to wait for her. After a few waiting moments, I found myself wrapped inside my mother's protective embrace. She was consoling me and telling me that everything will be alright even though I only told her a glimpse of what really went down.

"Mommy, gusto ko lang naman pong sumaya." I said with a plead. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ako nagmamakaawa sa nanay ko gayong hindi naman siya ang may hawak ng lahat ng kasagutan sa tanong ko.

"Then why are you stopping yourself?" She quickly answered. She framed my face in between her hands and wiped my tears as she says, "Era, baby, I may not know the entirety of what happened before you phoned me but I know this has something to do with Cael. You have so much love to give and you can't keep using you past as a shield because you are afraid to try again, to risk everything for love again. This," Then she placed her hand on top of my beating heart. "doesn't lie but this," she tapped my head. "knows what's best. My advice is that look from within and weigh where you should be headed. Will it make you feel content when you chose not to fight because you feel safe? Or will it make you happy if you chose to lay in all on the line knowing that you might again jeopardize yourself?"

I got stuck thinking about what my mom said. She kept me company through the silence and said her goodbye when the sun started to peek behind my shades.

I looked at Oreo, who's still sleeping on his doggy bed and tried to remember everything Cael had done for me. Happy tears started brimming my eyes when I fully realized what my Mom had told me. She's right. I will regret everything if I let Cael slip away.