Matthew Daddario imagines

broken down

Having been friends with the Lightwood siblings for as long as I have meant that when Max got his first Rune, I was invited to the party. Alec had asked his boyfriend Magnus Bane to have the party at his loft. At first, he didn't want to to do the party, but Alec got him to change his mind. Everything was perfect: the decorations and the music, even the bar was giving out the perfect drinks in my opinion. Magnus really does know how to put a party together. Everyone is having such fun.

I had been having so much fun dancing and talking to everyone. People I hadn't seen since I was a child. I got a dance from Jace and Alec, both making me laugh, something that hasn't been happening lately. Even got Magnus to dance with me too. I was going to ask Simon if he would like to dance, but he and Clary seemed to be fighting over something. I thought about asking what they were fighting about, but it seemed to be more of a lovers' spat, so I didn't want to get involved.

It just seemed all of the sudden that everything that could go wrong did. Clary was mad at Simon for something and was going to leave. Jace was fighting with Maryse, so was Alec over something that I didn't hear. Now, I might be a Shadowhunter, but when it comes to fighting between the people that I love, I just can't stand it. I walked out to the roof to get some air and hopefully be alone.

The night was beautiful; not a cloud in the sky, the stars as clear as you could get in the city. Standing there, I wished that I could see more of them, just so I could marvel at their beauty just a little longer. And to dream about flying amongst them, away from my problems, always feeling like I was out of step with the rest of the world.

Looking down at the street below, I watch the cars pass by with not a care in the world. Sometimes, I wish that I had been born a mundane so I wouldn't have to deal with the things that I do. No demons, no responsibility to the whole world, no war with the Circle, and definitely no Clave breathing down my neck to be the perfect soldier. I have never been the perfect soldier. I'm such a failure to the Clave and to my friends. I couldn't keep them safe. I'm a worthless Shadowhunter.

Izzy got posed by a demon and so did Alec. I should have been better. I should have known there was a demon in the Institute. And because of me, Clary lost her Mom and Alec has to feel that guilt that being posed by the demon and killing Clary's Mom just when we had gotten her back. They would be better off without me. Everyone would. They wouldn't have me holding them back anymore. Maybe they would be safer without me.

I climb up onto the ledge and look out over the city and take in its beauty. I can't help but wonder if others take the chance to see the city the way that I am. Do the others Shadowhunters take the time to look around them at the mundanes and marvel at their freedom like me? Do they feel the way I do?

Hearing the door to the roof open, I turn to see Clary step out and look up at me. My dress flowing around me as the wind catches it. How could she not hate me? How could they all not hate me? I even hate myself for not keeping them all safe.

"You're a worthless shadowhunter, Y/N. A failure as a soldier to the Clave. Why are you still here?" Clary says as she walks up to me. She's right, everything that she says is true. Why am I still here? If I jump, maybe I could finally see the stars the way that I have always dreamed. And then they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. They could be free and so would I.

"All those times we failed because of you! You just hold us back. Can't even tell when there's a demon is in the Institute. Letting it pose the people you say you love. Letting it kill my Mother!" Clary keeps talking to me, telling me everything that I already know to be true.

"I know I'm a failure. Everything all my fault." I cry out as I turn to look at her. Why does she have to say this? Can't see tell that I feel bad enough about these things as it is? Why does she want me to feel worse than I already do?