The Crashing Waves | COMPLETED

Chapter 18: New York

The days passed quickly and before we knew it, it was time to head to New York to clear out Brody and I's apartment.  TJ and I took an early morning flight and got to New York by 5pm.  We went and ate first and then I showed him around a little. I was really just pushing off going back to the apartment.  I was not ready to step foot in there again.  The last time I was there I was in full fledged mourning and the world was just a blur.

Finally around 11pm, TJ convinced me that he was about to pass out and we needed to get to the apartment.  As we went up the elevator, my whole body started to shake in fear.  My heart was racing, my face was red, and the pressure behind my eyes was ready to explode.  TJ grabbed my hand and squeezed. "It's ok, Cami.  I'm right here."

I couldn't speak.  I just squeezed back and nodded slightly.  We reached our floor and stepped out of the elevator.  As we turned to head down the hall, I froze.  TJ stopped with me and gave my hand another squeeze.  I felt the tears start to fall from my eyes and slowly started walking to our door.

There were a few boxes outside, some notes on the door from random people, cards of condolences, and some wilted flowers.  TJ pushed it all out of the way and stood between it all and the door trying to block it from my view.  He helped me get the key in and open the door since my hands were shaking horribly. I closed my eyes as the door opened and as I opened them and stepped inside, I took in the quiet of the home I once shared with my husband.  It was just as we'd left it a few months before, but it smelled stagnant and cold.  I stopped and looked around as TJ came up behind me resting his chin on my shoulder.  

He whispered in my ear, "You ok?" 

I closed my eyes and my body went completely weak, tears pouring from my eyes.  I felt TJ catch me and tightly wrapped me in his arms as he kept whispering to me that it was going to be ok.  I wanted to believe him so bad.  I really did, and there was a possibility that I would be as long as he was there.

***

I woke up on the couch with my head in TJ's lap covered with a blanket and his left arm tight around my shoulder.  He was asleep as well and looked terribly uncomfortable sitting straight up on the couch with his head flopped to the side.  As I started to adjust myself upright, I felt his arm tighten around me.  I looked up at him and tried to smile, but my face was stiff and sore from crying.

He whispered to me keeping his eyes closed, "Good Morning.  How are you feeling?"

I looked back at him, "Numb..."  It was all I could push out of my throat.  I sat up and looked around stopping as I looked at through the door to our bedroom.  The bed was still unmade, with a small pile of Brody's clothes thrown around it.  I remembered how I was so desperate to smell him to try and make it seem as though he was still there with me.  

Before I realized what I was doing, I found myself standing in the doorway of the bedroom.  I looked back at TJ who had sat up on the couch and watched me intensely in case he needed to run to my rescue at any moment.  I turned back and walked into the room and laid myself on the bed and closed my eyes.  I grabbed the clothes and pulled them towards me.  The scent was gone.  They smelled like the apartment had the night before.  Cold and stagnant. I opened my eyes to see TJ standing at the door looking at the ground.  

His voice was low, "Cami, I don't know if anything I say is going to help, but I want you to know that no matter how it seems, he is with you."  He paused and looked up at me, his eyes full of sadness.  "He's here now, I can feel it.  He's always around you.  I love being with you that much more because I feel closer to him when I'm with you.  You know he'll never leave you right?"

I looked at him and sat up shaking my head, "Everyone keeps saying that, but sometimes I feel like he is slipping away.  And that his spirit will eventually leave for good and I'll be alone again."  I took a deep breath as the tears began flowing harder.  I felt TJ sit on the bed next to me and pull me to his chest.