Dear Beloved,

20|Culpability

R A Y N E

~ Chapter Twenty ~

"I have had counseling to help me cope with stress." I read aloud . "Strongly disagree." Lexus mumbles. "Jobs want someone who's good under pressure not that you wouldn't be if you had counseling." Nodding I move on to the next part of the job assessment. I've been applying to jobs all day online while Lexus sits on FaceTime helping me with the assessment parts. "There's another part Lexus. This is too long of a process." I close my laptop watching him play his Xbox game. "If you give up watchu' gon do fa money? Huh?" He looks down at the screen. Shrugging I don't respond because I honestly don't know. I was gonna find a job at a fast food restaurant but Lexus talked me into trying to apply for a "nicer" job because that's what I deserve according to him but the application process is so long. All it does is makes me anxious. "I'm just gonna go to the diner off Salem St. later on this is all too much." Pausing his game he picks up his phone. "You want me ta apply for you?" He asks.

"No. It's not that serious." I laugh. I just need a job until I start school." The whole reason I've been working my butt off is so I can rent an apartment off campus once I go to college in the fall. I want the college life experience but at the same time I don't. I feel like living off campus but close enough will give me that. "About that, when you start again?"

"Fall."

"What you goin' for?"

"Nursing. Have you thought about college or a career?" I ask. Licking his lips he curses under his breath still playing his game. "Nah, not really. I'm takin' it day by day but why a nurse? Why you don't wanna be ah doctor?"

"Nurses do the hard work." I shrug. Nodding his head I begin to wonder. "Do you have any interests?"

"Interests? Career wise?" He looks down. "Yes." I wait on him to answer. "You know how when you're a kid you think about what you wanna be when you grow up? Tha only thing I thought 'bout was when my next meal was gonna be or how long will this person let me crash here. When I got ah lil older I started to worry about how I could make a couple dollars stretch. I never sat down and thought about what comes after high school. I just always knew I had to hustle at whatever I'm doing and get it out tha mud. My boss, Sarah tells me how she became her own boss. I know I want that but not in this corporate world. I've always been into drawing you could say." He says brushing what he said under the rug.

"That's so sad." I say imagining a child alone trying to figure out adult problems. "It's just life." He shrugs. I begin to change the topic to him, well us kissing but I stay quiet. Neither of us has brought it up and it hasn't happened again so I'll leave it alone. "Why you do that?" He asks staring at me. "You always look like you got somethin' to say but you don't say it."

"I was just thinking about stuff." I pick at the comforter on my bed. "Hey, I gotta go." I say abruptly ending the call when I hear a knock on the front door. Getting up from the couch I look through the peephole seeing Jacob of all people. Opening the door I don't greet him nor do I invite him in. "Can we talk?"

"About?" I ask feeling my heart beat faster. "I don't like how things left off. Even if we're broken up I still wanna be in your life. I love you." He says trying to grab my hand but I jerk away. "You broke up with me Jacob! You said you were unhappy, you don't get to show up on my doorstep telling me you love you me. It doesn't work like that." I explain feeling a thousand emotions when he touches me. I still love Jacob obviously and like a big fool I still wanna be with him regardless of the stupid fight we had but I can't keep putting myself through stress just to please everyone else, I have to make myself happy first. "You know what I've been through Jacob, you know where I'm at mentally. Why would you do that to me?" I immediately feel sadness as I look at the floor to keep myself from crying.

"Babe." He sighs pulling me into a hug I deeply needed, allowing him to embrace me I close my eyes to take it in. "If you weren't happy, I don't know how to make you happy Jacob."

"I was being stupid. I'm sorry. You're the one for me, I love you." Shaking my head no I push him slightly. "You can't play games with my head like this." He grabs my face gently trying to kiss me but I turn my head. "I know I hurt you but I wasn't my best when I was saying all that. I was going through something." He says caressing my cheek with his thumb. Not knowing how to feel I don't say anything right away afraid I might say the wrong thing. "And you couldn't just talk to me instead? That was your solution?"

"I have to make sure your straight so yeah I can't tell you certain shit." He says like he's stating the obvious. "I gotta be strong for you Rayne, you're not as stable as you think you are."

"You act like there's a possibility I could go kill myself if I hear any bad news." I get offended. "Don't discredit my progress."

"I'm not babe but I'm tryna tell you why I was unhappy in the relationship and you're getting offended. You want me to keep it real? I was unhappy because I gotta walk on eggshells with you, I can never say what's on my mind because I have to think about if you're being the positive Rayne or the Rayne I don't like." He says bluntly. "There would be times you would talk about suicide as if you were talking about something on tv, I got tired of it. Dealing with someone fighting depression isn't easy, I'm always on google tryna read about it so I can be one step ahead of you so you don't do anything erratic. I'm constantly living in fear but I love you, I can't leave you." Allowing him to kiss my forehead with all the emotion wearing on him I close my eyes feeling guilty I allowed Lexus to kiss me. "Go." I break away from him . "I'm so stupid."

"What?" He says out of confusion. I don't answer, I just stand here looking guilty as sin trying to convince myself that it was okay because we're broken up. "Nothing- I'll call you later?"

"Please?" He smiles. Nodding my head we say our goodbyes and I close the door. Going back to my seat on the couch I take in how selfish I sounded from his perspective and how he basically would continue to be unhappy just so he can keep an eye on me. I could be wrong but in this moment that's what I took from the conversation we just had. My phone begins to ring, seeing that it's Lexus calling I decline the call feeling the guilt soak in.

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