Dear Beloved,

36| Advice

R A Y N E

"I'm so stupid, I'm so freaking stupid!" I pace the floor. How could I show up at Lexus' house out of all houses ridiculously drunk. "It's not that serious Rayne." Nova laughs washing the dishes in her sink. "Almost every girl has either drunk texted their ex or shown up for that late night. We've all been there, it's okay." I straight face her. "There was no late night. He probably thinks I'm psycho." Slumping down into the couch I adjust the towel I have wrapped around my head. After waking up in Lexus' bed this morning I snuck out before he woke up and I drove straight to her house with the worst hangover on this side of Texas. Nova being the good friend she is has been nursing me out of my drunk coma.  "And If he does that boy is in love with your psycho ass." She laughs to herself. "It's okay to still want him you know? Going back to get that old thing isn't always a bad thing. Lexus is a good guy with bad tendencies. When you're in a relationship with someone you like a lot or love you have to learn how to work through things maturely. Maturity and healthy communication is the key." She hands me a bottle of water.

"Why should I have to put so much work in? You should already be a good guy with good tendencies. I shouldn't have to deal with that, I deserve a good guy with good tendencies." I sigh. It's like there's this unspoken standard for women to have to build a man up in relationships just for us to still get treated like garbage whether it be behind closed doors or right in front of our faces. "Anddd I agree but just because a man is a thousand percent faithful, doesn't lie, has a job, and etc. doesn't mean you'll be happy and I know that sounds ridiculous but it's the truth. A man could be everything you've ever thought that you wanted but if  he doesn't make you genuinely happy it doesn't mean anything."

"So you're saying your willing to get cheated on and disrespected because a guy overall makes you happy?" I scoff. "No. You're missing the point and that's where you're immaturity is coming in." Rolling my eyes I don't say anything. I just sip on my water trying not to think about my throbbing headache. "A mistake and miscommunication is not cheating and if you think it is you have no business attempting to be in a relationship. All of this hostility needs to be let go Rayne. If Lexus is still head over hills for you after you literally kissed a guy in front of him you should be able to let go of the fact that he was acting overly friendly with other girls which could've been resolved if you grew up and told him you weren't comfortable with that along with other things instead of lashing out. Closed mouths don't get fed." Sitting down across from me she turns the tv on to the news channel.

"Who's friend are you?"

"Yours! If I weren't I wouldn't be wasting my breath nor time. Obviously you want my advice because you wouldn't of passed up your dad's house just to sit up in my apartment to drink my coffee and water. Moral of the story is you think that you're so mature when you're really not. You handle things just as bad as he does and you expect good tendencies from him? Be a role model and set the tone for the relationship then he too shall follow. I direct my attention to the whether forecast being played a tad bit annoyed that she's right yet grateful I have such a brutally honest friend that's not scared to call me out when I'm wrong even if it's months too late. Lexus probably has his eyes on another girl. A girl with less problems whose not terrified of getting into a serious relationship with him and that's ready to love and be around his child.

"Has Royce mentioned any new girls hanging around?" I ask curiously. I might as well find out before I go back to Atlanta. "New girls? He better not." She makes a face.

"No I mean like has Lexus mentioned anybody else to him?"

"If he has I'm sure it wasn't anything serious. Boys will be boys you know and it's been months. Imagine not having sex in almost a year. Whew." She shakes her head as if she's really imagining herself in that situation. "Nova you do know I'm still a virgin right? We never..did that while we were talking or together." She turns her attention to me. "Nothing?" She asks shocked.

"Nothing."

"Woww I really thought you  gave up that whole virgin thing with a man as fine as Lexus. So you never.."

"Nope."

"Well has he ever ate-"

"No Nova. Jesus." My cheeks heat up from embarrassment. I never talk about this kind of stuff so freely, it's uncomfortable. "Okay, okay." She holds her hands up like she's surrendering. "Have you seen it though?" I look down shrugging my shoulders. "Bitchhhh!!! You have!" She smiles laughing. I laugh at her reaction.

"All jokes aside I think you should talk to him before you leave." I nod agreeing. I miss not only him but our friendship and bond that we went through so much hell to build. I miss my friend.

L E X U S

"Mornin' Mawmaw." I kiss her cheek handing her Lenoxx's diaper bag. "Good morning. C'mon in , you look worse for wear." I come in and I sit at the dining table exhausted. Rayne kept me up most of the night and when I finally get her drunk ass to sleep I wake up only to see she dipped out on a nigga. A hour or so after that Lenoxx woke up crying and cranky allowing me to get zero sleep. "You been sleepin' Lexus? I told you when you feel yourself getting like this to come drop off my grand baby. You gotta take better care of yourself boy." She complains  fixing me a mug of tea like she always does whenever I come over. I wipe an eyelash off of Lenoxx's face while he sleeps peacefully. "Yes ma'am, I know. Things just been hectic." I sigh.

"How so?" Setting my tea down in front of me she goes into the refrigerator and starts taking out eggs and bacon along with some other stuff to cook. "I'm just- money ain't comin' in like before. I got a good job getting no hours because I became unreliable. We livin check to check and I can't afford nothin'." Sighing I think about all the times I let Ms. Sarah down after she kept giving me chance after chance to get my personal life together. "Being a single parent isn't easy but the bad doesn't last long baby. You gotta accept the help when it's extended to you. When you gotta work I'll be glad to watch baby Lexus for however long until you get the money to afford a nice daycare. Go online and get you a second job if you have to but for now you gotta thug it out. This is the time you grind while they can't remember, don't get down in the dumps." She points at me. I nod just as my phone lights up from a text from Rayne.

Rayne 💍:
Hey..sorry I kinda freaked out and left before you woke. I'm here for a few more hours and I honestly miss our friendship. If you can't or don't wanna talk to me I understand.

Me:
Would love to talk but I'm really busy today

Me:
Sorry
Read 10:42am

Locking my phone and setting it down on the table I shake my head. Having Rayne back in my life would be ideal but I got so much going on that I needa focus on. I just don't have time to be repairing our relationship at the moment. I'm about to be facing homelessness again but this time with my child if I don't buckle down and do something. I love her with everything in me but she's the last thing on my mind right now. "What happened? Why you lookin' like that?"

"Nothin'." I mumble. "Just tired."

"Well after you eat go in that back room and sleep before you go. I'll watch Lenoxx for a couple days sugar." She sets my plate in front of me. "Say your grace."

"Yes ma'am." I laugh.

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