Dear Beloved,

16| A Friend

R A Y N E

~ Chapter Sixteen~

Sitting in the bed with probably two dozen flexi rods in my hair I flip through channels only to end up watching Dr. Phil. It's been a little over three weeks since I've seen or heard from Jacob and I can't say I feel any better than when he took my heart out and stomped on it then stabbed it. I feel dead on the inside and I haven't left this room to do anything, I know everybody at the church probably thinks I'm spiraling out of control again despite what my dad tells me. I know how they are and how they can spread gossip like wild fire.

"You're telling me she's a bad mother because she dresses like a two dollar whore?" I laugh a little hearing Dr. Phil repeat what the man is saying about his ex wife. Snuggling closer into my pillow I hear obnoxious knocking on my bedroom door. "Thanks but I'm not hungry!" I yell thinking it's my dad bringing me food for the thousandth time today. The door opens and in walks Lexus causing me to sit up straight in shock. "How di-

"Y'all don't lock tha front door." He cuts me off as he steps out of his sneakers approaching my bed. "Eat. I bought you some food." Once he sets the foam box on my bed I peek in it seeing that it's one of my favorite Chinese restaurant's food. Mumbling words to himself he pats his pockets then pulls my swivel chair up to my bed opening his box of food. "We watching Dr. Phil? You like this shit?" He asks with a mouth full of orange chicken. "He just brings people on here for the views. He ain't really helpin nobody, I knew that after he brought back that "how bout 'dat" girl." He shakes his head tuning into the show while I wonder why he's here acting as if we're friends and we go way back.

"Lexus." Turning his head swiftly he looks up then back down at his food. "You don't like it? Mr. Morris said you fucked with this spot heavy."

"Why do you act like this?"

"Act like what?"

"Act like a nice gentleman one minute then a butthole the next. Act like we're friends when it's convenient for you. Act like it's okay to say whatever whenever because that how you feel in the moment when it's not okay. How you act is not okay." He wipes his mouth with some napkins sitting back staring at me. "If my dad told you to check up on me or to try to be nice to me just don't. I don't need sympathy, just let me be sad, let me cry, and stop popping up in my business like I called for you. I don't need it." I move the food over so I can lay back down.

"And you think how you act is perfec-"

"And stop thinking that I think that I'm perfect! I've never thought or even said it so just stop. This isn't high school nor is this prison, I don't have to prove a damn thing to you. I don't have to be angry at the world and bitter like you to have gone through something. Since I was fifteen the world has been working against me and I still try to wake up with a smile on my face but people like you make it hard because I know what depression feels and looks like, what anxiety is. Im not going back, I may be sad right now but rain doesn't last always." Tension fills the room as his gaze doesn't leave mine. "I used to be angry and mean too, I used to frown at others happiness because I didn't have that, I used to get drunk, high, I used to party to numb the pain but at the end of night when it was all said and done I felt the same way I did when I woke up in the morning. Being ugly isn't a way to deal with whatever's going on in your life. That's all I have to say, now I'm done."

"You want me ta' let you be sad let me be the fuck mad. Just like you want me out your business stay out mine. I'm done talkin' I let you say what you needed ta say to make yourself feel better now imma say what makes me feel better. Fuck you respectfully bitch." As he stands I smack the curse words out of his mouth causing him to lunge at me. Forcefully pinning me against the wall he gives me a look daring me to hit him again. "My mom killed my dad and then she killed herself in front of me. My dad was my grandmother's boyfriend, he raped my mom at sixteen. My grandma don't love me because I look just like him no matter how much I try to show her I'm there for her. The rest of my family don't fuck with me because they think my mama was a hoe that fucked her mama's boyfriend and got pregnant then yelled rape." Staying silent I rub my wrists once he lets them go.

"Say something."

"What would you like me to say?" He laughs shaking his head. "You see why I lash out?" He mumbles stepping back from me. "I just shared something with you I ain't shared with no one else and all you can say is that?" I look down at the floor not being able to look at the sad expression on his face. I don't mean to come across as I don't care or that I don't understand because I fully understand and that's the problem. "I'm so done with you. Consider your wish granted." He says as if he's breaking up with me. "This is fuckin' useless."

"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make you feel better Lexus. I-" he puts his hand up basically telling me to shut up. "I don't need you ta make me feel better. I just needed you to be ah fri- just never mind, forget it. Forget I ever said anything." Leaving his food he puts his shoes back on and exits my room. I sigh leaning my head back on my headboard.

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