Love is Not Bullshit

4⎮Swapping hearts

"Connor, I think I don't like you the way I'm supposed to", he is looking at me with a careful, measured look.

"You mean you're not madly in love with me". I nod, "I know, I'm not in love with you either".

"You don't think that matters?" 

"I don't know, does love even exist? How can you find the perfect one between so many people?". 

"I don't know, maybe you can't".

"Are you breaking up with me Eleanor?". There is a tear sliding down his cheek. 

"Yes" . 

A shiver runs down my spine, leaving me shaky. Thankfully, things don't actually play out like the awkward, dramatic conversation in my head. To be honest, I've never seen Connor as anything other than collected. I have no idea how he's going to react to what I need to tell him. 

That is, if I find the courage to tell him. 

Connor's mother opened the door when I arrived and we had somewhat of a lengthy chat about school and what universities I applied to. I don't know if she noticed that I was here to break up with her lovely son, she doesn't know me very well after all. I was incredibly grateful when Connor popped his head in the kitchen and ushered me upstairs into his room. 

"So, what's up? Did you have a good time at the party after I left?" 

"Yeah it was nice". I can't tell him I slept over at Bianca's in the same bed as Julian, that would be too much and I doubt he needs to know anyway. It's a stupid detail that will only cause more of a mess. Never mind the fact that I'm the creator of that mess. 

"Good, I'm glad", he smiles and sits on the bed, I've decided the carpet is a safe place to break the news. "I was thinking next weekend we could go see that movie you wanted to watch and if you're free on Friday evening my friend is doing a piano recital we could go to". 

I nod, uncertain of what exactly I'm supposed to say. He sounds so nice, he is so nice. 

"Connor, I actually came here to tell you something" 

"Yeah, I kind of figured". I don't know if he can sense what I need to say, I don't think he does. He pushes a lock of blonde hair away from his forehead and for the millionth time I wonder why I put him through this, all for some selfish reason. The room is very still before I tell him. 

"I don't think I can be with you anymore". Nobody says anything for a while, the sound of cooking comes from the kitchen. I alternate between staring at the carpet I'm sitting on and looking at his expression, I can't decide which one is more painful. 

"Is this because of Julian?". I could lie and say no, but what's the point?

"Yeah, kind of". I run a shaky hand through my hair, "I'm really sorry I'm doing this to you".

"What are you sorry about?" he looks sad but his voice isn't angry, "that you don't like me enough?". He gets up and comes to sit on the floor next to me. "El you know how much I like you but even when I asked you out I knew you liked Julian". 

"Then, why did you ask me out?". 

"Because I really like you and I thought eventually you'd return the feeling".  

"I'm sorry" my hands are shaky and sweaty and I'm going to cry soon.  

"I'll get over it" he sounds very calm, like he always does and I'm surprised that this feels a lot like he's reassuring me when he has every right to be angry. This is the first breakup I go through and from the movies I've watched I've learnt that something always gets broken, there is a lot of shouting and slamming doors. None of that is happening now, he's just quieter. Maybe he's thinking of what will be of the plans he just proposed for next weekend. I feel a weird kind of detached, like I've overstayed my welcome and it's time to go.