Love is Not Bullshit

8⎮Guiltiness

You're really lucky 

That's what Jessica told me when I saw her the other day. 

I've been trying to understand why our encounter disturbed me so much, there was something so wrong about the whole situation. Maybe I should just forget about it. But the thing is my mind keeps going back to that afternoon. I was at the supermarket near school with Shaina, we were stocking on snacks to bring to the cinema and while I was looking for the popcorns I ran into Jess. I stopped to say hi and her smile seemed too tight, she was in such a hurry to get away from me. And then before she turned away from me she said those four words and I knew she was referring to Julian. I mentioned it to Shaina and she said not to worry about it, that she was probably just busy, but I know we were both thinking the same thing. 

I huff in annoyance, I should just stop thinking about it. To be completely honest I think what left me feeling like this was the pure dislike that she displayed towards me, and if there is one thing I can't stand is people not liking me. 

The sound of rushing water can be heard from the bathroom and I smile easily, at least there is Julian taking my worries away. It's the second time I'm here and I can't help but marvel at how tidy it is; I can't remember a single morning when my mum hasn't shouted at me to tidy it and I've ignored her. To my credit I can always find everything I need (almost always anyways) and I've read somewhere that messy people are smarter so there is no need to tidy it. 

When the door of the bathroom flings open behind me I don't turn around right away. "Julian is your mum home?" I'm sitting at his desk, flipping through one of his DiaboliK comics to pass the time. I turn around to see if he heard me and he's just standing there, looking very wet. I can't fight the immediate smile that forms on my lips, why does he always look so good? He's standing before the bathroom door, his black hair sticks to his forehead and I notice how it's curlier when it's wet, and darker. I swallow the saliva in my mouth. There is a bathrobe protecting his body from my predatory eyes and yet my mind is already imagining everything that's beneath. I only look for a second before shifting my gaze. 

"What are you looking at?" his tone is both amused and curious while he tries to figure out where my stare is focused on. I was trying to stare somewhere above his head, if I look in his eyes I'm sure  my own eyes will betray me and trail lower and looking at his lips is not a good idea either. When I'm around him, especially when he's not wearing any clothes, I want to touch his skin. Feel its smoothness under my finger tips, let my nose delight himself on his smell, allow my mouth to taste him. There is something about Julian that exposes my most carnal desires. Let's just say my idea to take it slow is highly incompatible with Julian. I'm not sure we're ready yet, I mean just last week I was asking him to wait before going on a date. If a date is too much too handle then how can I feel this? My brain and my body clearly don't run at the same pace. 

I turn around in his chair, back to staring at his plain wall, telling my heart to calm down. 

He chooses to ignore my lack of answer. "She is home, in fact can you open the door a bit before she comes up and starts yelling at me" I don't fully process what he says because I'm still feeling unbalanced by all the emotions swirling inside me so I'm forced to ask him to repeat himself.  If he can't tell how distracted I am by the sound of my voice he can certainly see it in my eyes. "The door" he smiles, "can you open it a little?"

"Oh of course" I get up from the chair so swiftly my vision blurs for a second and I scold myself for being so superficial, I cannot stare at him so plainly all the time, I seriously need to start listening when he talks. When he goes back into the bathroom I follow him. I don't really want to read his comics.