Love is Not Bullshit

5⎮Jittery thoughts

In Maths class I started sweating profusely. Mr. Adams asked me to find the integral of the equation on the board and my brain couldn't come up with anything intelligent to say. All because I had been too busy staring at the back of Julian's head to listen to his instructions. This morning I somehow forgot that Julian was in my class, even though he's been sitting exactly two rows in front of me from the beginning of September, he would be impossible to miss even if I hadn't told him I liked him. 

Next to me, Jason is busy typing away on his phone, and I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one with her mind outside of the classroom. 

Julian was really cute yesterday, looking at me with such tender eyes I was worried his mother was going to guess everything and blurt it away to my own mother. 

It felt kind of surrealistic, I spent two months trying to avoid the guy, turning away from anything that would remind me of him, and now everything's upside down. Which isn't bad, I can finally be honest with myself and simply feel all those romantic things people describe. 

The problem is that I've gone from badly crushing on Julian, to avoiding him at all costs to confessing I like him. So now I'm a little confused, I don't really know how I should act around him and if we should talk about everything that happened. I usually just do things and then deal with the consequences but recently that hasn't turned out to be the best of strategies. 

There is also the Connor problem. Considering how brutally I scrunched up his heart and tossed it into the nearest metaphorical bin... I'm not too keen on parading around school with another boy. If, I had just considered that dating him without feeling any type of romantic attachment would be disastrous, I might have avoided this unpleasant situation. Indeed, I thought it might make me forget Julian, but that was very poor judgement on my part. 

The thing is- I've messed up too many times to do it again. So, this time I'm going to do it differently. I'll actually think and reflect about the situation at hand instead of diving head deep into another relationship where I might end up hurting another person. 

I'm not stupid, I know somewhere along the line one of us will get intentionally or unintentionally hurt, but I can be more cautious. 

The thing is every time I glance at Julian I badly want to make out with him and that's not the way to take things slow. 

The bell for break-time goes off in no time and I'm left with a pile of homework I have no clue how to solve. Maths club after school here I come. I start packing my things to say hi to Julian but he's out of the door before I can blink, so I text my friends instead. None of them answer our group chat, so I make my way to the second floor bathroom which smells way nicer than the others. I can't stop sighing and the palms of my hands feel clammy, not to talk about the fact that I can't raise my arms because there is a dark halo around my armpits. I feel terrible. 

"Nora you ok?"

I raise my head and Jess is smiling at me through the mirror while washing her hands and I nod, suddenly preoccupied that maybe she knows about me and Julian. Which is stupid because how would she know? I do feel a twinge of guilt running through my body at her smile, she's so nice and it's common knowledge she has a crush on Julian. I push away my guilt. 

"Yes, how are you?". My voice comes out a little breathlessly and it does feel like my heart has been running a marathon. 

"All good, sucks it's Monday", she's applying some lipgloss and suddenly my own lips feel very dry, "you look a bit flustered, are you sure you're feeling ok?". She's staring at me as if I'm hiding the biggest secret ever and I force myself to smile as normally as possible. 

"Yes, all good". She smiles while reapplying her lipgloss. I move to the sink to wash my hands as well, the cramps in my stomach making me ten times slower. Maybe I should visit the nurse and tell her I'm suffering a chronic love ache. Which doesn't even make sense because I should be happy now. 

"Did Camila tell you we have a meeting for the Feminist society today?"

"Oh no, I didn't catch her today. Lunch?" She nods and I'll tell her I'll be there. When she leaves, another sigh escapes my mouth. 

I move to stand in front of the mirror, my eyes look wider than usual and I tell myself to relax for the fifteenth time. I don't have any other classes with him today, I'll see him at lunch and by then I'll have figured exactly what to tell him. Easy. 

I just need to chill before the temperature in my body starts showing in my cheeks, everything will be just fine. I just need to find Marika and she'll know what to do, she always knows what to do. 

✺✺✺

By lunch time things are not fine. I am basically swimming in a pool of sweat. 

I spot Adrian first with his unmistakable carrot hair, his mouth is half open, he's laughing at something. He's got such a silly laugh it's impossible not to laugh with him but I can't hear him from where I'm standing. Bianca's next to him, busily typing away on her phone, perfect eyebrows knitted together. Marika's just in front of her, she has her elbows on the table, obscuring my view of Julian.

An easy smile slips onto my lips and I make my way towards my friends, ready to share a few laughs with them. Before I can decide where to sit, Marika makes space for me so that I can slide in between her and Julian. Her knowing eyes smile at me and I don't know if I want to kill her or smother her in kisses.

I try not to stare at Julian as I twist some of the spaghetti in my plate and swallow a forkful. I've been meaning to approach what happened this weekend at Julian's house with Mari but this doesn't seem the right moment. 

"I saw Connor earlier", Mari looks at my expression, maybe deciding whether it's a good time to bring him up. "He actually mentioned you, he asked if you were coming to the school concert this Thursday". 

"You're playing as well, right?"

"Sure am"

"Then I'll come"

"You don't have to, we're playing the same Christmas carols as every year, it's not exactly fun"

"I don't mind, I haven't heard you play in forever and I think I might have promised him I would go". 

"That was before you guys broke up"

"You think he asked because he doesn't want me there?" she shrugs, and mentions that that's probably the opposite of what he meant. 

"I should go, a promise is still a promise and we're still friends. I think"

"Where are you going?" Adrian's looking expectantly at me and Mari and I realise Bianca is no longer at the table.

"School concert this Thursday, Mari's playing"

"I'll be sitting first row"

"You say that every year"

"I'll come this year, pinky promise, but don't blame me if I start snoring ten minutes in" Marika rolls her eyes as Adrian makes a show of adding the date to his calendar and I watch as Julian's features morph into a smile at their playful bickering.

When Finn, who's in the choir, says he has to go to the rehearsals, I take the opportunity to leave as well but Adrian's words make me fall back in my seat, a glare firm in place.

"So, how's my favourite couple doing? Isn't Liannor the cutest ship name?"