Love is Not Bullshit

28⎮Invisible lines

I'm dozing off, it's late afternoon and the sun is warm on my face. Some of the guys have been playing football since we got here, I know they've moved into the water now because their voices feel far away, I can only make out Adrian's laughter from where I'm lying. A group of Italians, on holiday like us, have joined them and Bianca and Mary spent the afternoon deciding who was the most good-looking. I quietly checked them out earlier and now I'm content just listening to their comments, it kind of feels like the old times when we'd sit on one of the benches at the school's football field and make a list of the hottest guys in the various years. It was our favourite pastime throughout middle school. 

"I have a date tonight" 

Bianca and Marika are sitting next to each other, their shoulders, their sides and their right feet are touching. They remind me of a movie I've seen with Siamese twins, except they couldn't look more different. Bianca's blonde hair is up in a bun, she covers her skin in layers of sunscreen every half hour and sips her Coca-Cola as if the cool drink is the only thing keeping her sane - she doesn't do well with the Spanish sun. Marika's skin has turned a dark brown, her cheeks are rounder and her eyes brighter - she thrives in the summer. I wonder if they feel as close as they look to me or if their feelings are as distant as their looks. For a second I fantasise that Bianca's date tonight is Mary. Any moment now Mary will wink at me and that wink will mean I did it, I told her how I feel and she loves me too. 

But Mary hasn't told Bianca how she feels and this date tonight is with a boy Bianca met on Tinder. I make sure that when I speak my voice is full of enthusiasm and glee, I'm not going to make the same mistake I made when she started going out with Ray. And the truth is that I'm actually genuinely happy for her because she's got the most radiating smile painted on her face that it's impossible not to feel happy when you look at her. But I'm also sad for Mary, for the impotence she must feel and her pain in a way is also my pain.

I scoot closer to them as Bianca shows us their conversation, he seems like a nice guy, they've been talking since we got here a week ago and they're meeting tonight. He's German, his profile says he's from Berlin. I ask Bianca whether she chose tonight on purpose because tomorrow we're leaving and she won't see him after that.  Bianca laughs and says she hadn't thought of that, she just woke up this morning and felt like meeting the good-looking German who fancied her. She didn't expect him to be the love of her life, she didn't care if she'd see him again, she just wanted to have one date with him. 

As Bianca runs us through the conversations they've had this past days, I look at Mary. She's only half listening, her eyes are trained on the boys in the water but she seems to be looking past that, towards the crystalline water of the sea and the oranges and reds that have coloured the sky. She looks as if she could cry or maybe it's me who wants to cry. I can't imagine all the strength she must have inside her to be able to smile at the person she loves and be happy that she's happy about a new date. 

I take her hand in mine, it's warm like the sand beneath it and when she looks at me she's even more beautiful than she was a second ago, her eyes are bright and sad and loving. Mary places her head on Bianca's shoulder, it looks like the most natural thing in the world, and it is because she's done it a million times before. The gesture means I love now and I will always love you. 

/

Claude looks exactly like the good-looking guy in the profile picture. 

He hugs Bianca when he sees her and then turns to me and I stick my hand out to him before he can hug me as well. Bianca laughs and explains I'm her friend. He seems nice enough but I need him to know I'm looking out for my friend, in case he tries anything funny, he is after all a Tinder date and we're in a foreign place. I promised Mary I'd look out for our friend, I'm supposed to meet the other for dinner later but I want to make sure everything is okay with their date first.