Love is Not Bullshit

7⎮Alternative realities

From where I sit, the conversation between Shaina and Mari seems to be a tennis match where the two players are only interested in sending the ball back with as much force as possible to throw off the opponent. Which now that I think about it might be what tennis players do all the time. But I regress, what I mean to say is that I'm not sure they're listening to one another. I, for sure, can't follow. If this were a tennis match I'd be the girl hurrying after the missed balls, trying not to get hit in the process. Except, I will get hit won't I? 

"I don't see what's so wrong about wanting to believe that human beings are one of the few mammals that are sexually monogamous" Mari's cheeks have turned red, the way they usually do when she's upset or embarrassed or trying to make her point heard, "we can't all be cynics like you". 

"It's not about being cynic" Shaina huffs,  and in my imaginary she's bending on her knees, drying the sweat off her eyebrows, swinging the racket back and forth. "We were taught to be monogamous, just because it's the naturalised dating status it doesn't mean it's natural". When Shaina feels very strongly about something, for example the conversation we're having right now, her whole body animates. Her hands start moving as if she were an orchestra director, it's kind of fascinating. "Modern culture has installed in us that we have to find the one, but the idea of a perfect partner is fictitious, we are and always will be polygamous at our core".  I move aside the papers of History notes I was working on and sit back to watch my friends. This is going to be entertaining. 

"Ok, I'm not saying that the only way to be a couple is to be monogamous, I'm just saying that there is nothing unnatural about having one lifetime partner" Mari looks at me and I nod. If Shaina were to seek my approval I would nod too. I'm not about to take sides. 

"Right, then why do so many people cheat? Why are we interested in other people? I just think that people should be clear with one another from the beginning and somewhere in their weddings vows they should mention that it's possible they'll fall in love with another human being along the way but that won't alter the love they have for their spouse"

"Or maybe it will" I can't believe I spoke. 

What?  

Why am I pulling myself under the bus?

Both Marika and Shaina look at me, expecting me to elaborate,  and I try to formulate some kind of thought on the topic at hand. "Maybe Shai you're right and we only date one person at a time because that's the norm, what we grew up seeing and as you say if people want to try something different and have an open relationship and still respect their different partners then that's cool" I pull my knees towards my chest and place my chin on top, "but I also think that some people do marry because they think they've found their true love and we can't predict the future, maybe if they do meet someone else they realise that they don't love their old partner anymore or maybe it's just for sex - I don't know, I don't think you can put it down as a binary choice, there are so many possibilities"

"But where do you think the one-true-love bullshit comes from, it's the fairytales they feed us and the crap we watch on TV. I just think the whole mindset we start with is wrong - why go into life thinking that there is one special person out there for you to then be disappointed" 

"You sound real bitter right now"

"I just sound realistic" 

Mari rolls her eyes and goes back to her textbook, maybe she knows that they will never agree on this and they don't have to. I wonder what the world would be like if the fairytales that are read to us when we're little don't speak of a princess finding her perfect prince-charming but rather of multiple men or women that she fancies. But then what would become of our modern concept of nuclear family where you always come back to the same people? Would we spend a day with each partner, divide our time in precise fragments and assign a bit to every human we fancy? How would the concept of home shift? 

I think I'd definitely want to come back to the same person, anchor myself somewhere or to someone. Would that get boring, repetitive after a while? I'm still trying to answer the million questions that have popped up in my head when Shai makes a comeback. I can't help but laugh. 

"I think people marry because they're afraid to go against normality so they go ahead and marry someone and then when they meet someone else they really like they either cheat or they're miserable for the rest of their lives" Mari doesn't immediately pronounce herself on this and  Shai doesn't miss the opportunity to make another point. "Take Nora, she doesn't have to decide, she can have a polyamorous relationship with Connor and Julian". Oh no, they've dragged me into the deadly match. 

"Who me?" I let out an involuntary snort and Mari starts giggling, the prospect of handling both Connor and Julian makes me nauseous, dealing with one boy at a time is more than enough. Where would I get the energy to deal with two? "I'm only seeing Julian, Connor and I broke up"

"Wait you're dating Julian now?"

"Not dating, we just went on one date"

"They're dating" Mari seems to think about this and then with all of the innocence she can master, she asks "didn't you ask Julian out the same day you broke out with Connor?"

"Of course not, I waited a week"

"An entire week, that's a lot" Shai winks at me and I can't help but roll my eyes, "Mari don't throw shade at her" 

"Not that I need to explain myself to you two, but I've been crushing on Julian for so long I thought if I wait another day he'll never want to see me again so I just went. I was kind of an emotional wreck, I was so confused, I think I started crying"

"You cried when you asked him out?" Ouch. 

"Can you not sound so judgemental, I was having a hard day ok?" I nudge Shai with my foot and she starts laughing some more. 

"Ok so let's take Nora as an example she's not cut out for monogamous relationships" 

"Wait why? Of course I am" 

"You have the attention span of a gold fish, you think everybody is attractive" 

"Just because I think plenty of people are good-looking doesn't mean I'm going to cheat" 

"Fine fine, don't get offended. All I'm saying is that you would be happier in open relationships, you'd be allowed to have multiple partners without feeling guilty" 

"You felt guilty about breaking up with Connor?" Mari looks at me in that concerned way she has and I wish she wouldn't. I feel like whenever I'm with my friends we're always talking about me and my problems which is good but then we're never talking about what's bothering them. 

"A little yeah" More like a lot but I'm a little reluctant to talk about this, I just always make it sound as if I have a problematic life, when I really don't. And I really shouldn't complain, especially now that things with Julian are finally good. But I still do, it's almost inevitable. 

"Why though? It's not like you cheated on him"

"I mean, maybe not physically but Julian was on my mind a lot when I was dating Connor, that's a lot like cheating"

"I don't think you should feel guilty, at least you went to tell him in person right? Shai didn't Mark break up with you on Facebook?" I cringe, I know Mari is only mentioning it because she wishes Shaina would talk about what happened but that's probably not the most tactful way to do it. 

"I am not aware of any boyfriend breaking up with me" 

Shaina never told us what happened with Mark. We gathered bits and pieces from the gossipers at school but nothing from a primary source. We've tried asking plenty of times before but our questions always meet a brick wall. So, this time too, we let it go. She'll talk when she's ready. Instead, we end up watching a very informative documentary on Netflix about consensual non-monogamous relationships, our revision notes abandoned for the day. 

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Hey peeps, did I just add a random chapter in? I did, sorry if you've already read the later chapters... I just thought something was missing here! 

Also: if one of you lovely readers knows how to design pretty book covers hit me up!!

Hope you're all doing good