Love is Not Bullshit

33 I Coffee dates

I'm late and when the door shuts behind me, I take a few seconds to calm my breath before looking for him. I spot his brown hair with some difficulty, after all I've only seen him a couple of times and from the back it's hard to recognise him. 

I manoeuvre around the many couples having breakfast together, I squeeze into the seat in front of him, pleased that he got one of the window tables. It's a rare sunny day. He's already drinking his coffee and while I settle in, he asks what kind of coffee I want and kindly orders it for me. 

"So, you came in the end" Freddy has the same easy smile as the night we met, he doesn't have a cigarette between his lips this time but he still looks charming, maybe he looks younger in the daylight. I wonder what he thinks of me, if I look much different with soft make-up and a pair of jeans. Then I wonder if these things matter. I once bought a new dress to go on a date, I didn't regret it but I wonder if it was silly of me to invest so much on one evening spent with a stranger.

"Yeah, I mean I told you I would, I'm not one to back away from promises" he nods, smiling. "But things are a bit different, my ex-boyfriend came to visit and we're trying to patch things up"

"Oh?" 

"Yeah it's a bit of a long story, but maybe I can tell you sometime" you know, if we become friends or something. I smile at that thought. 

"I'd like that yeah, should have known a pretty girl like you was already dating someone" I laugh, somewhat flattered. I hope this isn't awkward for him. 

"If it makes you feel better I was considering going out with you before Julian showed up" 

He gives me a small smile, takes a sip of his coffee. His neck has turned a bit red and I hope he doesn't think I'm flirting with him. Was it the wrong thing to say? I glance outside the window, Julian must be on his train home now, maybe the sky where he is is the exact shade of blue. Or maybe he's passing by a field which with some imagination could look like the park just around the corner from here. 

I turn back to the man sitting in front of me. "Why are you smiling?" 

"I'm just thinking about how our lives change when we take seemingly small decisions. This Julian guy decided to take a train to come see you and it could have resulted in nothing, he could have changed his mind at the last moment and been a tourist here rather than come talk to you. Or you could have been out of town or unavailable to see him but you decided to talk to him and give it another try" he plays around with the spoon in his cup, "it's just crazy that one person, one decision can change our lives"

"Do you think it's wrong? That one person has the power to change your life?" 

"No, I think it's powerful to have the courage to let that one person change your life" 

"I like that, you know before I started dating Julian I was kind of in this denial phase, I didn't want to admit to myself I liked him because it felt too much. I knew it wouldn't be some casual fling, I was too taken by him that if things went wrong I wouldn't feel like myself anymore" 

"Did that happen? Did things go wrong?" 

"They did for a while yeah - " my fingers grip my jumper just a little tighter, "I didn't see it coming, it wasn't all hearts and flowers between us but I didn't think we'd get to the point of breaking up, that always seemed really distant"

"But you're still here, you got through it. I mean love always changes us, I think that's inevitable, we're not supposed to remain the same, whenever you meet someone significative and this could be anyone, we change and I think the willingness and ability to change is the kind of soft skill you learn when you love someone" 

"There is something very poetic about the things you're saying" he snorts and I laugh with him, it's easy to talk to him. 

"But I'll never be as good as Sophie uh? Or do you have a review ready for me as well? Five stars I hope" he's teasing and yet there is a note of hurt in his voice. 

"You're still bitter about her, I don't mean to pry so just ignore this if you don't want to talk about it - but why did you leave last Thursday?" 

He nods, as if he knew I would ask that at a certain point. "I guess I can't stand to see the change in her, the way she changed when she met Charlie. I - she used to read her poems to me, she'd write them during lunch break in school, sitting under a tree or something and she'd look at me and say this is for you, these are the things I feel when I'm with you, and I believed her, I thought I must be so special if this older girl chose me, if I inspire her to the point of writing such beautiful poems" he looks at me for a second only, before his eyes return to his now empty cup of coffee, "and then all of a sudden she came here and she started performing her poems, and I didn't know she did that until last week, I assumed maybe they were different ones about her life here but the first one she read was the one she used to read to me when we were just a boy and a girl under an oak tree" he gives me a small smile, maybe he's embarrassed, I wonder if he ever told this to anyone. "I know it sounds selfish, I probably am" 

"I think I understand that it feels a little like betrayal that she'd share such private poems that she used to read to you only and it was your thing" I wonder if it's my place to talk about this, a stranger comforting another stranger, "but I think it's beautiful that she has the courage to share her feelings with a room full of friends and if she's still reading the same poems it must mean that she cares about you, about what happened between you guys to the point of remembering it and living it every time she performs her poems"

"Don't you think they become kind of superficial, like there is something detached about being able to perform your poems in front of a crowd, it's a form of acting"

"I don't think so, she's not putting on an act, those are things she really felt and other people see themselves in her words and what's more powerful than creating connections between people" 

He finally looks back at me, the easy smile I now associate with him making a come back. "You're not too bad with words yourself Nora" I laugh, reach for his hand to squeeze it for just a second. It feels nice to talk to someone that understands you without really knowing you. "Maybe one of these Thursdays I'll stay for the whole night and listen to Sophie" it sounds like a promise, or a hope and I believe him. 

We talk some more, about our past relationships, the people we loved and that still hold a dear place in our hearts. We order some eggs and toast as we discuss parts of our lives that we've never really approached with other people. We leave some time in the early afternoon with a full belly, a clearer mind and the promise of a new friendship. 

Freddy turns back to look at me as he's about to leave, he's fumbling with the lock of his bike. "Hey Nora, can I ask how come you came anyways this morning?" he coughs when I look back at him, "not that it wasn't great to talk to you but I would have understood if you'd told me you couldn't" 

"I just had a feeling we'd get along?" I laugh, thinking that the thought of cancelling had never really approached my mind, even after I'd seen Julian. "I just had one of the best conversations I ever had so we better do this some time soon" 

He laughs and I'm glad he asked Olivia for my number. I watch him as he speeds away on his bike, one hand still waving at me as he goes and I smile and decide that I will take every chance, every opportunity I have of meeting people and getting to know them. Sometimes what's supposed to be a simple date turns out to be so much more, you end up sharing things that you didn't know you were thinking or feeling and on the other side you just might find someone that is happy to listen without the need to advice you on what to do. You find a shoulder to lean on, someone to laugh with, someone to argue with and right now I can't think of something I need more. 

I walk through the park at a slow pace, enjoying the sound of children running around and the occasional parent shouting at them to slow down. I watch as couples hold hands and share kisses that are able to warm everything inside you even if the air is breezy and your nose is red from the cold. I think that I'll watch the sky tonight and call Julian and we'll be watching the same stars from different balconies and maybe we won't care so much about the beauty of a night sky but we'll get lost in each other's words and breaths. 

/ 

Only one sweet chapter left x