Love is Not Bullshit

34 I Full circle

I press the doorbell and wait. Bianca's parents decorated their garden with beautiful lights and even though it's not snowing this year, the view is still breathtaking. The hostess opens the door and I hug my friend trying to convey all the warmth and love I feel, we've seen each other a few days ago but still, it's weird to go by entire months without seeing the people closest to you. 

Bianca takes me to her room so that I can leave my coat and bag and she doesn't wait a second to fill me in with the juicy details she's gathered in her short time home, like who's dating whom, who's already drunk out of their mind, the couples that broke-up, the people who refused to come back for Christmas. I enjoy listening to her talk, asking a few questions here and there, laughing together, it feels like the old times when we'd sit on the benches of the football field and gossip throughout the whole lunch break. 

Marika isn't here, her sister had to finish her thesis and so the whole family decided to visit her for the holidays. We'd texted earlier, I'd asked for advice on what dress to wear and she asked me to say hi to everybody from her. She only talked to Julian  from our group of friends, she and Bianca only talked when I proposed our group calls and after a while I'd stopped asking myself if Mary would ever tell Bianca how she felt. Sometimes people just drifted apart and no amount of glue could keep them together. 

The party is busier than last year, Bianca took the opportunity to see everyone again and I'm happy to see faces I haven't seen since the end of exams, it feels good to be at a party where you know everybody. I wave at Raymond, who's standing by the garden door, a cigarette between his fingers. He's talking to a girl I don't know, and I smile when he winks at me. I've missed him too, and I'm glad he's back from his gap year to spend Christmas at home. 

When I spot Adrian and Julian talking in the living room, I make a beeline for them and Adrian is quick to sneak an arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards him. Julian directs one of his gorgeous smiles at me and I laugh, happy to be around people that know me, happy that everything about them is familiar to me. 

"So what's your verdict of the party?" I lean closer to Adrian as his eyes look at me inquisitively. 

"Feels just like being at home" he nods in agreement and I smile at Julian, I want him to know that he's a big part to my feeling at home. Maybe I'll tell him later. 

When Julian left, after he'd come to see me, we'd said goodbye with the promise that we would try to make things work again. During this last month we had talked almost everyday, just catching up with one another. We talked about our days, the things we felt, the people we met, the books he read or the things I was studying. It was a good way to get to know each other again, to slowly regain that sense of familiarity and comfort we used to feel around one another. 

"Sounds like someone is being nostalgic" 

"As if you didn't miss all of this" I take a sip from Adrain's beer bottle and give him a big smile, my cheeks rising to meet my eyes, "You keep staring at Bianca by the way" Julian laughs and as Adrian rolls his eyes and goes to get more beer, I move closer to the boy whose eyes I wouldn't mind looking at all night and hug his side. 

"Are you enjoying yourself?" 

"Very much so, whenever I go to parties nowadays I barely know anyone and it's not the same - trying to have fun in a room full of strangers - this has a different feeling to it" 

He leans down to place his lips on my forehead and I'm just about to let a simple I love you slip past my lips when he says he needs to tell me something. He suggests we go somewhere quieter and we walk upstairs trying to find a room where we can talk, I wonder what he wants to tell me. Bianca's room is busy with people coming in and out to grab their stuff and we end up in the same room in the attic we shared last year.