Love is Not Bullshit

19⎮Goodbye winter

I toss and turn in my bed, the pillow is uncomfortable under my head and most of my duvet is sprawled on the floor. I prop up myself with pillows and switch on my fairy lights. 

I finished studying too late and then I stayed some more time on my laptop looking at too many stupid videos. I know I never sleep well when I stay for too long on my computer but looking at those videos is the only way I can truly unwind, when I watch them I don't have to focus on anything but laughing. It's a good way to destress. 

Exams are only a few weeks away and I'm really starting to feel the pressure, since January there hasn't been a single week where I didn't have some kind of test or mock exam and then there is all the extra studying, the stress of hearing back from universities, the worry of not doing well enough in my exams... Like everybody else I certainly need a well deserved break and although I love school, lately I've been thinking that I can't wait for it to be over, I'm eager for a new routine. 

I guess soon enough, I am going to get a new one.

university

It's such a big word, or at least the idea of it is huge. It always seemed so far away and yet here it is, just a few months away. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I can't wait to learn new things and make new friends but I know it'll be hard to leave home. 

What I am going to do without mum's comforting hugs at night and dad's silly jokes at the dinner table?  And Daisy won't be crawling in my bed when she has nightmares and she won't have her big sister picking her up from school anymore. And I'll miss everything about Eva. 

I'm sure there are exciting aspects about living alone- for example I'll be able to leave all my clothes around and my mum will never know, I wouldn't even have to make my bed in the morning! Now that I think about it I'll probably turn into a cavewoman without my mum's rules. But really- what I am going to do without my family? 

On that thought I collect my discarded fluffy nightgown and pad to my sister's room. I knock softly before entering, I know she isn't asleep either. 

"Eva?" I call out softly, she's sitting on her bed crossed legged. One of her many novels between her eager hands, soft light illuminating her delicate features. 

"What do you want? I'm in the middle of a very crucial scene" I smile and heavily land on her bed, stealing some of the blanket from her. We have the exact same beds but for some reason hers feels comfier. 

"What are you reading?" 

She answers without so much as a glance towards me, "It's called Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine"  and continues to read. Reading is her natural habitat, she looks so invested in her books I'm jealous of her. She devours books. It's magical, and terribly annoying if you want her to diverge her attention to you. 

"I can't read if you keep staring at me" 

"Is the book any good?" I've seen it in a lot of the windows of the main bookshops in the city and it's rare to find a book whose heroine is called like me. At least, I've never read a story with an Eleanor. 

"It's beautiful, it's about this woman who is extremely lonely, for example she doesn't speak to another person from Friday afternoon when she leaves her office to Monday morning when she returns there" she places her bookmark between two pages and caresses the cover, "it's scary to think that tons of people feel like that, our society doesn't pay attention to the important details anymore, we're so focalised on our dreams or whatever that we forget to even say a simple good morning" I mull her words in my mind. It's really true that more and more people feel alone, the population increases and loneliness duplicates.