Love is Not Bullshit

13⎮Unwanted hands

We're twenty minutes into the lesson and it's safe to say I'm not paying any attention. Julian is sitting two rows in front of me, he turns around often enough and each time it's a smile or a wink and I'm thinking of asking to go to the bathroom so that I can kiss him in the empty corridors... he'll never follow me. He's too good of a student. I silently laugh when he turns around again and I blow him a kiss, I'll just have to wait till later. 

I'm still fantasising about kissing him in the corridor when a warm hand lands on my thigh and I close my legs together on impulse. My breath catches and when I turn around to look at Jason, he isn't looking at me.  I don't process what is going on right away. My own hands feel clammy, useless. In a matter of seconds I'm getting lightheaded, the only thing I hear clearly is my own heartbeat thumping away in my ears. 

"What are you doing?" I'm trying to whisper but my voice sounds quite shrill, I'm hoping he'll just remove his sticky fingers but instead his hand travels a little higher, his grip tightens and I feel my tights ripping under the pressure. A shiver goes down my spine. 

"What?" his voice sounds surprised as if I've woken him up from a dream. There is an almost angelic smile on his face but when he turns around his green eyes are the scariest thing I've ever seen. I want to spit in his face or yell. Instead I barely have the strength to try and move my leg away. I swallow and close my eyes. Everything is fine, we're in a classroom, Jason can't do anything to me. 

"Let go of my thigh" My voice sounds shaky but it's the best I can do.  It's not like he has an iron grip, it's just fingers and yet I don't have the necessary strength to move away. It's like my body isn't mine to control. 

"Your legs look real good in this skirt" I feel bile coming up and I have to blink a few times before the room comes back into focus. Dread is filling my head, my unresponsive body is taking my dignity away from me. 

Why can't I move? Where did my voice go? His fingers start moving again and I'm sure there is a hole in my tights because he's touching my skin, my very cold skin. I feel so cold and yet I'm sure my whole body is burning. I can't do anything to get his hand off. I can't even cry, I can't do anything that will get someone to notice what is going on. 

Maybe I can ask to go to the bathroom but Jason's hand keeps brushing the inside of my thigh and I'm beginning to shake. I part my lips slightly and the fear I feel comes out in little frantic breaths, mocking me, humiliating me, taunting me.

"Miss Keplinger come to the front, you will solve the next exercise for us" 

I don't realise Mr Adams' words have saved me till I realise there is no sweaty hand holding me down anymore. I don't know how I manage to walk to the front of the classroom. I want to excuse my self to the bathroom, I need to breathe some fresh air but I don't trust myself to speak. My voice will come out shaky in the best scenario so I stay quiet and solve the math problem. It takes me a while. I drop the marker I'm holding a few times but most people are distracted and Mr Adams is always patient with me. 

When I go back to my seat I move my chair as far as I can from Jason, his arm can't reach this far. I take my sweater off and place it on my lap. There are 32 minutes left of class, I just need to keep my eyes focused towards the front and eventually my hands will stop trembling. 

If Julian turns around any more times I don't notice, I'm afraid that if I look at him I will start crying. 

✺✺✺

"Nora aren't you eating?" Marika and Bianca are both looking at me, a curious expression on their faces. They probably had to repeat the question a few times. I want a hug but I don't know how to ask for one.