Love is Not Bullshit

14⎮Moving on

I'm lying on Julian's bed, busying myself with a magazine while he gets ready. We're going to a party. I don't really feel like going but I can't spend my weekends curled up on either mine or Julian's bed. If we don't go out we'll turn into one of those solitary couples that act really awkward around other people because they're not used to being social anymore. Even worse if for some reason we break up and I won't have any friends left because I've totally ditched them to be with Julian. 

So the solution is: we're going to that party. 

Usually I love parties, mingling with people, chatting about nonsense one second and global politics the next, I like the loud music and the frenetic dances, I like to see the excitement in people's eyes. Recently though, after the thing with Jason, I'm not feeling quite so outgoing. I've tried not to let his little comment get to me but I couldn't wear a skirt tonight, I tried maybe five on  and they all looked a little too short. So I'm wearing a normal pair of jeans which look okay but don't shout party outfit.

"I'm ready, sorry you had to wait" Julian is shrugging his jacket on, his smile firm in place. He sits next to me and the bed sinks a little under his weight. Placing a hand on my cheek he kisses me, just when I'm about to deepen the kiss he turns away to lace his shoes, a smirk on his smug face. I'm still savouring his taste on my lips when he asks something I'm not ready to confront. 

"Have you heard that Jason was suspended?" My breath stops for a second but he doesn't wait for my reply. "No one knows the exact reason, I don't think he's told anybody but apparently he grabbed some girl from Year 12 and tried to make out with her" He sounds amused. "He had to be pretty insistent for the girl to report him, don't you think?" 

For the first time I feel lucky I go to a big school, rumours spread quickly but they're just that: simple rumours. The truth gets contorted so many times passing from one mouth to the other that no one ever knows the real story. I can't help but wish that what happened between me and Jason remains in the quiet. I need more time to process it by myself, to understand why. Part of me knows that there isn't really a reason for what happened and torturing myself about it won't help anybody but I'm afraid of what'll happen if I tell Julian or my friends or my family; because the moment I confess what happened to someone that cares about me it'll cease being the dark plant flowering in my brain, it'll be out there and everyone will be able to judge. 

"I think we don't know the story and we're in no position to judge" I should probably tell him, but when I stare into those kind eyes the courage leaves me. 

"You're right" He doesn't think twice about my words, he has no reason to. He holds out his hand to me and we go to the party. 

✺

When we arrive Jason is nowhere to be seen and I sigh in relief, maybe I can try and enjoy myself. I spot Bianca and Marika dancing like two crazy ladies in the middle of the living room and I make my way to say hi to them while Julian says hi to his own friends. They're both already drunk out of their minds and I laugh at their attempts to make me dance with them. I do for a while, but when I spot Adrian smoking I prefer to join him outside, in the cold night. 

He smiles when he sees me, I go stand next to him and he hugs my side, blowing cigarette smoke in the other direction. While my other friends are social smokers Adrian only smokes when he's alone, he says it calms him down. I say it's not only ruining his lungs but it makes him more agitated too but he never listens to me. He says he can stop anytime. I hope that's true. 

We chat a little but mostly we contemplate the stars, the skyline is beautiful from up here. I say contemplate but what we're actually doing is simply staring into the void, both lost in a myriad of mad thoughts dashing around our brains.