Love is Not Bullshit

12⎮Dark moods and pimples

Mondays are always grim but today it's especially bad. For the last two days I have been walking around with a broody expression. My dark mood is accompanied by a multitude of pimples that even the best concealer couldn't hide. 

I blame Julian 100% 

"There is a lost puppy waiting to talk to you" I can see him from the corner of my eye, he's waiting some metres away, urgency clear in his movements. Before I can stop her, Marika is slipping away from my grasp. She's supposed to be my friend and stay in the time of need; instead she disappears. 

Julian slowly walks towards me and I make sure my expression shows the full intensity of my anger, his hands are holding the straps of his schoolbag as if his life depends on it. He cut his hair, and I swallow thinking that it'll be some time before I'll be able to twirl my fingers around his soft strands again. The curly strands of hair behind his ears have disappeared and I wonder what he's going to do now if he can't pull at them when he's deep in thought.

"Hi" His voice sounds timid, as if he doesn't quite know how to approach me but he doesn't back away from my death glare. Or what I think is a death glare. 

"Hi" I'm hoping my voice sounds glacial, I've been waiting for a call or a text message from him all weekend which never arrived. He's looking at me with a thoughtful expression, perhaps trying to come up with the right words. I desperately want him to amend things. The bags under his eyes are worse than mines and I wonder if he slept as little as I did this weekend. 

When I raise my eyebrows at him he starts talking. 

"I thought about what you said and you're right"

I'm sure I can't hide the surprise from my eyes but if he notices he doesn't acknowledge it. "I think I felt bad about the situation with Jess and allowed her to get a little too close and it was stupid of me to think it wouldn't hurt you" He sighs and runs a shaking hand through his dark hair,  it's the only neat thing about him. "You're always so cool about things I just didn't think it would bother you, but obviously it does and I don't know what I was thinking" He sighs and I almost feel bad at how uncomfortable he looks. I let myself lean against the locker behind, my backpack squashed in between. 

I should be happy, he's saying all the things I want to hear but I don't feel any better. 

"I talked to her and she agreed that we should stay away from each other for some time" What? That's not what I wanted. I just wanted to understand what was going on. 

"I never said you guys couldn't be friends" I sound quite defensive, I certainly don't expect him to lose his friends because of me. Even if we are talking about Jessica. 

"I know, but she has feelings for me" Shocker. "I thought I was handling Jess and uhm this situation quite well but obviously I'm not" 

"So you can't be friends with a girl without going over the boundaries?" 

"I can be friends with girls, it's just I don't know what to do if they like me"

"All the girls you know like you" I don't think I'm exaggerating. 

"That's not true and I said I'm sorry" 

"Saying sorry isn't the point, it's just like you make it sound as if Jess forced you to talk to her or hold her hand and stuff and obviously that's not the case and then I ask you about it, which I think we can agree is quite a reasonable thing to do, and you panic and act like an asshole" I can tell my cheeks are getting quite flushed. "What am I supposed to think?" 

"She grabbed my hand in the canteen for one second and anyways I'm not talking to her anymore" It's like he's not even listening to what I'm saying. Not talking to her isn't the solution to anything.