Love is Not Bullshit

27 I Seeing with new eyes

The Spanish island is a refreshing change. The apartment is small, our suitcases are everywhere and when I wake up in the morning I always have to be careful not to step on anything or anyone. There are only two rooms, one has a double bed and a balcony and the other has three single beds and a tiny window. Adrian and Raymond ended up in the big room, sharing the double bed like a married couple... 

I poke my head in now and they're both sleeping, Adrian's head is in the middle of the bed, his pillow on the floor. Ray's sleeping with his mouth open, he's curled up on his side in the little space Adrian's left him. I smile and pull their curtains close before the sun can wake them up. It's our fourth day here and I must say I'm starting to warm up to Ray, he's not as bad as I thought. Sometimes I do judge people too quickly, maybe we all do. 

I go for a walk in the morning before the others wake up, before most tourists are out. I like the paved streets, the romantic cafés in all its little streets, the flower vendors at every corner. The sun is already warm at this hour but my skin is not yet sticky and I relax breathing in the sea breeze. 

Today I stop to buy a pastry from a small breakfast place and take a seat at one of the tables with a view on the Cathedral. It's a beautiful place really, a bit small maybe to live here all year, I wonder if it gets empty when the holiday season is over and whether that's when the locals finally start breathing. 

I try to feel happy, I go to bed with that intention but then in the morning I always wake up feeling heavy. My thoughts always go back to Julian, wondering how he's doing, what he's doing. I wonder if he's awake right now, I wish I could just take a selfie and send it to him or pick up the phone and see his beautiful face. I don't know if I'm allowed to do that, he probably wouldn't like it. He has to be his priority right now and I'm a distraction.

I end up crying almost every time I think about him. It angers me that I didn't see it when he was suffering. It saddens me I can't be there for him right now. Sometimes I start compiling a text to him, just to tell him how the day was, how the holiday is going but then I stop myself. Better to wait and maybe in a little bit I'll be able to tell him myself, in person. 

I sigh and try to think of good things. Like how beautiful this place is and how lucky I am to be here with my friends, I should think less and enjoy more these few days away from home. 

I finish my pastry, master to give a big smile to the waitress and go back home to wake up the others. Today's going to be a good day. 

"You're back" Adrian's having breakfast at the kitchen counter, his phone is in front of him. "I was just..." he has an awkward expression on his face before he turns the screen towards me. Julian is on the other side, he's in the kitchen as well. The same tablecloth with strawberry printings his mum uses in the summer. He looks better, there is no more purple under his eyelids. 

"Oh hi" I give him a tentative smile, it's only been a few days since I've seen him but it seems like an eternity. 

"Hey Nora, Adri tells me you've been going on walks" I look at Adrian who shrugs and continues drinking his coffee. 

"Yeah it's beautiful in the morning, not so many people are out, the beach is still empty and it just gives me time to think you know? It's good to just have that time on my own-" Adrian coughs and I wonder if it's some kind of signal or if his coffee actually went down the wrong way, "not that I don't love spending the rest of my day with your best friend here, he gives me a headache with all his terrible jokes" Adrian narrows his eyes at me and I blow him a kiss. 

"Anyways I'll leave you guys to talk" I put the phone on the counter before either of them can say anything else and go get ready for the beach. They're still joking around, laughing as if nothing happened and of course nothing happened between them, they're still best friends. It's me who can't talk to him anymore, it's me who can't tag him in random Facebook posts that remind me of him, it's me who has to get used to not having Julian in my life.