Love is Not Bullshit

22⎮Breaks and friends

It's scary to think that two full years of hard work come down to a few exams that will be over in a couple of weeks. I'm constantly jittery, it is as if all the adrenaline, anxiety and impatience in my body moulded into one so that I'm a walking bundle of nerves. 

Deep breaths, in and out. I repeat this as a chant in my head, walking around my room that all of a sudden seems to be closing in on me. I decide to sit down, perhaps it's better if I look at something that's still, or close my eyes. But then I get up again, I've been sitting down all day, I pretty much can't feel my bum. 

Maybe I should do some yoga, that sounds relaxing. I start by stretching my arms above me and then a nauseating smell reaches my nostrils. I relax my arms, it smelt like mouldy cheese - did that come from me? Now that I think about it I'm not so sure when the last time I left the house was or when I used soap and water on my body. I should probably open the window. 

"Nora" my mum opens the door and peeks in, the house phone in her hand. Her nose curls up. "What's the weird smell?"

"I don't smell anything" I shrug, "what are we having for dinner?". I believe food is the solution to everything. 

"I have my yoga class tonight, your dad is cooking" She hands me the phone, "there is Shaina on the phone for you" Instead of leaving, my mum moves towards my bed and starts undoing it, before remaking it. She always seems to be doing this, apparently I don't fold the sheets properly. I roll my eyes and leave her to it.

"Hello?"

"I've sent you like a thousand texts"

"I'm studying, you're distracting me"

"Let's go out, you need a break"

"I'm gonna stress out more if I go out" 

"Just go Nora, you've been in this room all day, it won't help to study any longer" my mum who's obviously listening to the conversation has no problem giving her input. 

"See even your mum says you need a break"

"She just wants me out so she can make my room shine and smell like disinfectant" 

"I'll see you in half an hour, usual place"

"Take a shower before going out, you stink" I may be moving away to university in a few months but some things will never change, mum will always, unscrupulously, tell her children when they smell bad.  

 ✺ 

Shaina's running late so I make myself comfortable on the city wall. 

The afternoon is surprisingly warm and if I close my eyes I can almost imagine being on a remote Spanish beach.  The soft waves come running towards me but barely reach my feet, the sand is hot beneath my body, warming me to the very core. I smile, thinking that it's not too long now till we leave for Palma de Mallorca, the perfect destination to relax. It took us the longest time to decide on a destination and even longer to book flights and find a suitable accommodation for everybody but we managed. It's going to be crazy but good. I can't wait. 

My phone vibrates again and it's an audio from Shaina, she's out of breath and she swears she'll be here in two minutes tops. 

I met Shaina almost a year ago, in a somewhat improbable situation. It was early June, the Year 13s had just finished their IB exams and were ready to party. This one party was hosted by the great Katia Koshez. I wasn't exactly friends with Katia but she was head of the feminist society in school and I was a member. I like Katia and I love summer parties but I mostly went to see Julian. I don't know what I was expecting, his girlfriend was hosting the party, he would be busy and I wouldn't get more than a hasty hi and a sideways glance... but I still wanted to go. I knew I was interested in him even back then but if anyone had asked I would have denied any form of attraction. I don't know what about him made me so hesitant to admit my attraction, in some ways, even if I just observed him from afar I could tell I liked him a little too much for a boy I barely knew.