Seventeen-year-old Nora is trying to get through her last year of high school without glitches. She's almost there, but then, one night before Christmas, she wakes up in a room that's not hers, next to a boy who threatens to disarm her with his gent...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
And then we're off towards the blue sky, the plane takes off and I close my eyes.
Back when we bought the tickets for this flight we didn't bother with choosing our seats and when realised it was too expensive to change so now we're all separated.
Bianca and Mary were only one row apart and a kind lady agreed to move to let them sit together. I haven't properly talked to them in a while, I mean we've talked plenty about me and Julian, not much about them. I wonder if Mary is ever going to tell Bianca how she feels, I hope she does.
Ray is sitting somewhere near the back of the plane, it still feels weird that he's the one coming on holiday with us. Some of his friends from school will be joining us later but it must be kind of awkward for him to share a house with us.
Adrian is only a few rows behind me, I am pretty sure he is already asleep. I wonder how he feels, going on holiday without his best friend, they're always together and now his other half won't be part of this adventure.
We're a pretty weird bunch, considering that Bianca has dated Adrian and Raymond and that Mary is in love with Bianca and that none of us like Raymond particularly... this is bound to get interesting.
Of course the ghost of Julian is on this plane as well, or at least I can feel his presence in my head, in my every thought. I thought he would have disappeared from my life, he was the kind of guy who could have pulled that off. I know it's selfish of me to think that but I can't help it. In a way it would be easier for me if I saw less of him. But then not seeing him would probably be more painful.
He took us to the airport, our eyes crossed in the rearview mirror, once, twice and every time I was quick to look away and then look back. We hadn't really talked since the break-up day. When the others left for the check-in I stayed behind. I knew I wasn't supposed to talk to him, he didn't want to talk to me after all. I knew I was supposed to stay away, give him the space he needed, but how do you stay away from the person you love.
"Thanks for taking us to the airport", it must be hard for you. I didn't say that but we were both thinking it I think. I didn't know what he was feeling but then I rarely did, even when maybe I was supposed to know.
"Nora, promise me you're going to have a good time" I nodded, he gave me one of his small smiles. The kind of smiles I used to love, still love, where his eyes get just a little bit smaller and it looks like he's got you all figured out. He looked tired though, like the heat alone was too much for him to handle.
I left without smiling and I knew I should have been more understanding, more patient but I wasn't very good at it, I was still so bitter, feeling so helpless.
In the plane my seat is too small and my jumper itchy, I close my eyes. Julian's smile is everywhere.
I had gone back to Julian that day. After crying my eyes out I realised I couldn't just leave like that, I couldn't make breaking-up with me so easy. So I turned back and took steady, measured steps till I was once again in front of the same café. I wasn't sure when his shift would end so I just sat down on the same bench he had broken up with me just hours before and I waited. It was extremely hot and I was exhausted but I couldn't just go home, nothing made sense. And I knew I wasn't exactly lucid or in the right state of mind to have the conversation we were about to have but Julian was the only one who could give me some clarity.
So I waited and I thought of the first time I had ran away from him, after I'd kissed him at Adrian's party. I'd felt so conflicted, I didn't think I could kiss Julian until we kissed and then there was the potential for change. If I wanted it, he could stop being just a silly fantasy I had, he could materialise and become an actual person with flaws that were real and speak of his own accord the kind of things he thought, not what I made him say in my dreams. It was both foreign and amazing. I didn't even stay for the cake, I just went outside in the garden and nobody came looking for me. Not that anyone should have come really, they were celebrating Adrian. That night I had been terribly afraid of myself, of how easily I could make myself turn away from the things and the people that had the potential to make me happy.
When Julian finally stood in front of me, he looked worse than I did, I was sure. His shoulders were slouched, his hat in his hand, a clean t-shirt on that wasn't doing much to improve his appearance. When he saw me he started crying. Not the pretty kind, or the silent kind. It was raw and painful, full of sobs and half broken words. We moved away from the café, into the next quiet street, without either of us realising we had moved.
I held him, one of my arms around his shoulders, the other around his waist, as if I could shield him from the world. I wasn't sure from whom I was supposed to protect him from, the world or myself? His hands gripped me as if he was afraid I would disappear if he let go, as if maybe he thought he would never hold me again. This time it was me holding him, or were we holding each other? I wasn't sure really, who was leaning on whom, who was supporting the other. But it didn't matter, as long as we were both standing.
When he calmed down, he started talking. He told me just how stressed he had been for his exams and how, even now that they were over, he couldn't sleep at night, terrified of the day he would get back his results. He dreamed of being stuck in the exam hall, taking exam after exam until he couldn't take it anymore. I held his hand as he talked. I wondered how it was possible for me to never notice any of this, or understand the depth of his worries and anxieties. I had been busy studying for my exams of course, but so busy not to see how much he was struggling?
"I saw a psychologist last week, she's a really nice woman, super cool, kind of reminds me of your mum actually" he smiled and I wanted to smile too but I was confused. Was this a genuine smile? He was seeing a psychologist, which was good, but it also meant he must have been feeling so bad to go see one in the first place. "She asked a lot of questions and I don't think I answered them truthfully or told her the whole story but I think she knows that and that's okay if it takes me some time to open up"
"I'm sorry you know? That I'm so weak, that I get so worked up about exams, that I'm so indecisive about my future and all that mess with the gap year and stuff, I'm just not in a good place"
"What are you talking about" I was horrified, was this what he thought of himself? "Exams were so stressful, it's not your fault, they put too much pressure on us, I mean sometimes we had three exams in a day, that's just bullshit" I was talking too much, but I just needed to find a way to make him see it was the situation, it wasn't him. "And your gap year is a splendid idea, honestly. And I'm sorry if I wasn't always on board with it and that I was critical of it, I can be such a bitch sometimes" I smiled, my eyes fully of worry for this boy that seemed so far away from me. "But I do truly think it will be good for you". I told him how I thought that he wasn't weak at all, how he had been there for me all the times I had needed him, how I could be there for him now, if he wanted me too.
He didn't want me to.
I open my eyes now, flip through the magazine that's full of writing and photos of exotic places and dry the few tears that landed on my red cheeks. I'm waiting for the day I'll stop crying about this, stop replaying that afternoon in my head. But for now I'm going to try and enjoy this holiday, I owe this much to myself.
Dear Julian, I can't promise that I'm going to have a good time, but I do promise that I will try my best to be happy.
✺
How's everybody? Sorry for another sad chapter, I think the next ones should be more joyful. As always let me know what you're thinking, I'm waiting for your feedback!
