Love is Not Bullshit

16⎮A conversation gone wrong

The past weeks have been hectic. There are assignments to hand in, the final textbook chapters to go over, oral exams to prepare. It feels like we're on one of those high-speed trains that never stop at any of the small stations and instead of houses and signals you see a blurry scenery. I wouldn't say any of us is enjoying the journey right now, but the destination doesn't seem so far.

I'm out to dinner with Julian. I had to do quite a bit of convincing to get him out of the house, all he seems to do is study and while I understand it, it's not healthy for us to be hunched on our books all day long. I watch him now as he struggles with his chopsticks to get a dumpling in his mouth. When it falls for the nth time, he sighs and picks it up with his hands. I can't help but laugh and in return I get one of those gorgeous smiles I adore.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I don't know school, university, what's going to happen when summer ends" I twirl some of my noodles and take a forkful. Shaina's always talking about this place and today passing by it I finally decided to stop by and drag Julian with me. She's never wrong when it comes to food.

"I kind of envy you, can't seem to think beyond exams, time just drags on" I nod, time is a weird thing. Looking back, it'll probably seem as if this year went by in a blur but when your hours are filled with studying, stress and anxiety, time inevitably slows down. "Dinner's delicious by the way"

"Maybe we should start learning how to cook something more than rice or pasta, for next year I mean"

"Talk for yourself, I can cook plenty of things – you instead will probably survive on take-outs and instant noodles" I laugh, only mildly offended, that might end up being true. I wonder if it's true that he can cook, his mum seems like the type to cook delicious meals and not let her boys ruin any of her dishes.

We eat in silence for a while, both busy with our own thoughts. I wonder what next year will be like, will we be calling often to check up on each other or will we drift apart and become strangers. The thought of not being close to Julian like I am now makes me shiver.

"We'll be friends, right? I mean when we move out to start university" his next dumpling is mid-way to his mouth, dancing in the air, when he decides to put it down instead, "you know, in the eventuality that we break-up"

He looks confused for a moment. I wait for him to reassure me and when that doesn't happen, I start to get a little worried.

"Why are you already thinking of break-ups now? We literally only just started dating" I shrug, feeling bad that I've brought it up, I can't help thinking about the future. "But if that were to happen, I don't think we'd remain friends" I ask him why, my voice small and scared. "I just like you too much to just be your friend, it would be too painful"

"Are you serious? How can you go from being so close to a person to just nothing?"

I know I shouldn't be thinking about break-ups, but it's inevitable that it will happen at a certain point and I'd like to know how that's going to work out. I'm not entirely sure what's happening between Bianca and Adrian, but I really don't want our post-break-up phase to be full of silences and awkwardness but maybe that's out of my control.

"I don't know how to explain it – we'd probably be friends but not as close as we are now, that's just how I am" he says it like it doesn't pain him to say that and I hope that when the time comes he'll have changed his mind. But then again why would his behaviour towards me be any different than how he acted with Katia or Jess? Maybe distancing himself from people is a way to protect himself.

The mood at our table has changed, I wish I could go back to the beginning of dinner and start a different topic of conversation altogether. Afterall, he hasn't shared with me anything I couldn't have guessed.