Love is Not Bullshit

24⎮Prince Charming isn't coming

As I enter Camila's house, the place of the biggest party of the year, I'm wearing my biggest smile and my old sneakers. This is what freedoms feels like, exams behind your shoulders, a room full of people you love and more than three months of holidays in front of you. Camila, the perfect hostess, rushes to say hi to me, kisses my cheeks and hands me a red cup that her boyfriend proceeds to fill with beer. I thank them and move further into the chaos, it doesn't take me long to locate my friends in the midst of familiar heads and I wonder how it will feel to party at university, in rooms full of strangers. 

Adrian, Bianca and Marika are dancing together, I'm not dreaming, they really are. I'm immediately pulled to Adrian's side who bumps his hip with mine and I mimic his silly dance moves and not a minute has passed that we're all laughing and inventing new moves. When a slow song comes on Bianca crosses her arms around my neck and we sway to the slow rhythm. There is a twinkle in her eye and I'm about to tell her that she looks more gorgeous than ever tonight when she tells me that she isn't seeing Ray anymore. 

"Are you ok?" I whisper in her ear, worry latched into my every word.

She nods, smiling "it wasn't anything important" she places her head on my shoulder and we stand like that for the duration of the song, my hands on the small of her back. I'm not sure who's supporting whom but for the first time after a long time I feel closer to her, as if maybe I'm holding my old friend in my arms. Marika and Adrian are dancing alongside us, Adrian's still going strong with his array of wild moves and it seems to me that we're all doing okay, as long as we have each other, we'll all be okay. 

When the song ends and the upbeat tempo starts once more Julian is standing in front of me and I don't hesitate to wrap my arms around his waist. It feels like I haven't seen him in forever, he started work yesterday and I'm surprised he's here, I thought his shift finished later but maybe I've lost track of time as I often do. 

We dance with the others for a bit until he pulls me to the side, for a brief moment I think he wants to make out with me but from the cloudy expression he wears on his face I know that's not it. "C'mon let's go outside" He takes hold of my hand, with a tenderness that's not unusual and I let him pull me after him, away from the party and our friends. The air is still warm, even if the sun has long gone down. We sit on a bench just outside Camila's house, the scent of her garden flowers can be smelt from here, I close my eyes and pretend to be in an exotic French garden. I should convince Julian to take me to Paris. 

"Is this a way to make out away from all the commotion?" I laugh at my own joke and we listen as my laugh is carried away in the distance. When he doesn't say anything, I get worried. "Did you want to tell me something?"

He seems to take a big breath as if he's a diver that doesn't know when he will emerge from the water and I'm unsure if I need to take a big breath as well, am I being pulled underwater with him or am I being left at the shore? 

"I'm not going to Palma with the rest of you" I don't need to take the breath, my clothes will remain dry for now. He's leaving me behind, or better he's letting me go and he's the one staying behind.

"You're being serious?" 

"Yeah" 

"Yeah? Is that all you can say? This is supposed to be our last holiday together before we go our separate ways"

As thoughts start to formulate in my brain I have to force myself to remain seated next to him and talk about this like I'm capable of talking in a civil manner. He's really testing my limits. I should ask why he's not coming, when he decided that he isn't coming, better yet why he thought telling me now was a good idea. 

He doesn't answer my unasked questions, doesn't volunteer his thoughts or feelings but then he hardly ever does, I should be used to this quietness, to the way he only tells me things at the last minute, when he has no other choice.