Love is Not Bullshit

32 I When rainy days turn sunny

Olivia keeps looking at me and smiling. We're in the library, the end of the week and our deadlines are approaching and yet neither one of us seems to be concentrated. Julian hasn't replied to my last email, it's been almost a week and I don't know why he hasn't. I've re-read what I wrote a thousand times and I'm not sure where I went wrong - was it the I miss you part? But he'd written something similar to me and I thought it would be okay, that we could be friends or whatever we were. Maybe it was about Jess - could it be that they were seeing each other and I'd struck a delicate point mentioning her? I'm not sure what I did wrong exactly but I know I won't find any answers in my brain. Besides, I have to focus on my test on Friday and finish my lab practice. 

"So Freddy asked me for your number" she says it with a casual voice as if she's telling me what's on her grocery list but there is a crazy grin on her face. I can't help but smile as well, I should have known it was about a boy. Freddy's cute but he's not the boy who's writing me emails (or ignoring them). 

"Did you give it to him?" 

"No, I was going to ask if that's ok with you" I nod, thankful, I'm sure I'll see him again even if he doesn't get my number from Olivia. 

"Why does he want my number?" 

"To ask you on a date? Talk to you? Fuck you?" I place my hand on her mouth before she can go on with her list, my cheeks turning red. I sigh and think back to Thursday night, was I disappointed that he'd left? 

"I don't know, he didn't seem too much into me the other day, he left as soon as Sophie started performing" 

"Oh well that's not about you, they ended on bad terms" I let Olivia tell me the story of how the two dated during high school and then how Sophie crushed his heart when she moved here and met Charlie. I wonder why Freddy had agreed to go to Olivia's in the first place if he knew the two lived together, or maybe he didn't know. But at least now I understand why he'd looked so grim when I'd started praising Sophie, she was his ex. Would I react like that if a boy I liked started talking about Julian? I didn't want him to just be a bitter memory but maybe he could never be reduced to just that. 

I told Olivia that I'd think about her passing on my number, there was no doubt that Freddy was attractive but would it be fair to get involved with another boy when all I could think about was Julian? Did I even want to get to know anyone else? I knew I would have to move on eventually but how soon did that have to be? And moving on meant nothing would ever be the same between me and Julian, but maybe it already would never be the same. 

/

I finish my exam with a throbbing headache and take the bus home rather than walk the long way I usually do. I barely have any time to do sports now that I'm at university so I figured that if I could fit a daily long walk in my routine that would count for something. I told myself that if Julian didn't reply to my email by Friday I'd give Freddy a chance (I'd checked with Sophie that this was alright with her) and so I text Olivia to ask for his number. I guess I am kind of thrilled, the possibility of a new romance does make me smile. I should tell Bianca about this. 

I don't pay attention to the boy sitting on the lowest step in front of the door of my building, it's starting to rain and I am busy looking for my keys. He does notice me though, he'd probably be looking up at every girl that passed his way, waiting for the one he was waiting for. But then he speaks and even though I think I must be hallucinating, I turn towards him anyways and he is here, in front of my building, the boy who hasn't answered my email. 

I stand watching him for a few seconds, Julian is here, in front of me, a contagious smile on his lips. I don't hesitate when I wrap my arms around him, letting my bag fall on the ground next to us. The goosebumps on my arms have nothing to do with the cold and everything to do with this unexpected visit. When I finally let him go, he asks if I know a café where we can talk and we walk the short distance in hurried steps, trying to beat the heavy rain.