Love is Not Bullshit

9⎮Back to school

The days after winter break are always hard, I can't wait to see my friends again and yet there is something bittersweet about saying goodbye to entire days spent in your pyjamas. Especially when back to school means mocks exams and revision classes. Bianca's been telling me about her week in Italy and a dreamy smile plays on her lips as she dives into the story of the umpteenth gorgeous boy who crossed her path. 

We've always talked about boys, I would be lying if I said we didn't spend entire evenings just gossiping and ranking all the guys in our year from most kissable to worst nightmare. I always thought it was just a silly way to pass the time but maybe, in a way, noticing and acknowledging handsome strangers, acquaintances or friends is a way to reassure ourselves. 

Every time we talk or share the experience of meeting someone attractive, even if unattainable, we're dreaming of possibilities, navigating between what ifs, drawing both plausible and out of the world fantasies. Maybe there is a silver lining to daydreaming about gorgeous strangers. 

"He was staying at our same hotel and one night he comes up to me and says Ciao with this really warm accent, never mind that I didn't understand anything else he said" She flutters her eyelashes and I laugh, I always enjoy listening to her stories. "He was part of the staff there - green cat eyes, the curliest hair- " she pauses mid-sentence, Adrian's calling her. 

I turn around and spot him immediately; his backpack slung across his shoulder, a spark in his eyes, mischief in his smile. Adrian easily situates himself between us, arms around our shoulders, pulling us close. As he hugs my side I briefly wonder if he heard any of our conversation- probably not. Would he mind if he did? 

He kisses Bianca's cheek affectionately, missing her lips by mere millimetres. And, while she turns her eyes to the sky and tries to shrug him off, I silently observe their dynamics, they're always annoying each other or maybe it's Bianca getting annoyed. I wonder how much of it is just an act.

When Bianca shrugs him off,  he doesn't laugh her behaviour off like he always does. I watch as his relaxed features change shape to transform into a scowl, as his forehead moves down creating a bulging line between his eyebrows and his lips curl, I take a step back, not wanting to be involved in whatever discussion they're about to have.  

But then his glaring eyes settle on my shrinking self. If only I could disappear. 

"Nora what do you think, is a guy allowed to say he missed his girlfriend after he hasn't seen her for two weeks or is that clingy?" His voice is low and bitter and I immediately feel bad for him, Bianca can be a little difficult to deal with. "Because you must know I can't say anything or your friend says I'm all over her. Can't even text my own girlfriend to ask how she's doing or she says I'm needy" he lets his tongue run over his bottom lip and turns to see her reaction. She remains impassive, if I didn't know her I'd think she hadn't heard him. "We've been together for more than a year and I'm not allowed to say I love you, do you think that's normal?" Bianca's clutching her phone so hard that small purple veins start to appear on her palm. 

I'm a little afraid that she's about to hurl her phone at Adrian, who doesn't look like he's about to be finished any time soon. I really wish we weren't talking about this in the middle of the school corridor. 

Then, the carrot hair boy with a golden heart, delivers his last line: "I love you Bianca, but then maybe you don't care" and my friend flinches as if those words could physically harm her. 

I watch him slowly trudge away down the corridor and I know I'll have to text him later. Bianca resumes walking, at the same pace as before, and for a second I have the feeling that if I don't say anything she'll start talking about the Italian guy again. I watch her from the corner of my eye, trying to evaluate how upset she is about the situation.