Love is Not Bullshit

23⎮Post-exam chats

"Do you want to hear something funny?"

"Please" 

We've only been away from school for three weeks and it already feels like we don't belong here anymore. Younger students rush past us, anxious to get to their classes on time and although I worried about the exact same things only a few weeks ago it seems like a life time ago. We're into our second week of exams, half an hour ago we finished our last English paper and it feels damn good. It feels amazing to be able to tick things off, slowly but surely we will only have one exam to go and three months of utter bliss. 

Each one of us, senior students, is stressed to various degrees. Some students appear chill, they share jokes before their names are called to enter the exam room, others are obviously anxious, they repeat formulas and quotes in their heads till they can't take it anymore. I'm somewhere in the middle, my bitten nails a clear indication that I'm not as calm as I would like to be. Marika, instead, uses another tactic. She pretends she wasn't even in the exam room. Exams, what exams? She doesn't talk about them, I think she forgets about the answers she gives as soon as hands in her paper. In a way she's lucky, while most of us stay behind to confront answers and try to calculate how many points we lost and what's the worst grade scenario she leaves it all behind her and focuses on what's ahead. 

We sit on the stairs in front of the cafeteria, like old times. "We video-called Lottie last night and she was telling us she went to a Climate March - this is like the 3rd one she goes to and my mum says oh you're so dedicated, going to so many marches and then she goes: apply the same dedication to finding a boyfriend please" 

"Oh gosh, your mum is hilarious, I love her" 

"Right? I feel like if my sister ever does get a boyfriend she would tell my mum last, just to make her suffer"

"When are you going to visit her?" 

"I'm leaving the 28th of May, can't believe our exams will be over in a little more than a week" she sighs, "we're so close" 

"Do you think we'll feel empty once we're done?" She pockets her phone and looks at me, an unsure expression painted on her tired face. "I worry that now there is all this adrenaline in us to study and do well in our exams and then once they're over, I simply won't have anything to do, no purpose to my life" 

"That's the whole point of vacation, having nothing to do. We deserve it too, after all the hard work" 

"Sure a holiday sounds about all I need right now but I won't see you guys anymore, and I'll miss school, these stairs have been a constant in my life for the past four years and once we leave I'll just feel lost" 

"Oh gosh, remember last year, we were sitting here, Bianca was holding two trays of food, Adrian put a third on her head and then everything fell on you" 

"Somebody say my name?" Adrian comes sit next to us, and Marika's laughing so hard that I have to tell the story because the gibberish that comes out of Mary's mouth is mostly incomprehensible. So then I'm stuck between my two friends, both laughing like imbeciles and I have to dry my own tears of laughter, I was so mad at Adrian that day, the food went sprawling everywhere. And I mean everywhere. 

We sit there laughing for the longest time, and for a moment I wish things could stay like this forever. If only I could frame this one episode and play it on repeat, stop time so that we don't have to grow up and nobody will leave. But I know that can't happen, we have to move on so I try to memorise everything about this moment. 

Our conversation doesn't make much sense, we're not discussing important topics, we're barely coherent, exhausted from our exams but I take it all in. How Adrian slaps his knee when he laughs, the way in which only the left side of Marika's mouth lifts when she laughs so that it seems like she's smirking all the time. Most of all I try to memorise the calmness and comfort I feel when I'm with them, their quiet presence, their comforting gestures, the way they speak and laugh, everything is familiar about them, they're home. 

✺

Later in the evening, when Marika has long gone home and me and Adrian have moved to the patio outside his house, I have to restrain myself from asking about Ines. He hasn't brought her up, hasn't mentioned any girls at all... maybe it's none of my business but I'm terribly curious. He breaks the silence before I can master the courage to ask. 

"Have you heard from Julian?"

"Not at all, he's studying like a madman, barely saw him earlier after our English exam" I close my eyes and try to catch the last sun-rays. 

"Did you text him?" 

"About his English exam?" I'm pretty sure he did better than all of us, writing is his forte, even though he never admits he enjoys it. 

"Yeah, no, I mean in general, to know how he's doing" 

"Haven't texted much to be honest, I don't really want to distract him" 

"A text wouldn't hurt though" his voice is pungent and I wonder what's really happening, what he isn't telling me. 

"Ok, uhm why are you being so weird?" he's lying down on the grass, hands under his head, eyes closed. "Have you texted him?" 

"No" 

"Did you guys fight or something?"

"No" 

"Is there something I should know?" 

"No" I sigh when I receive another monosyllabic response from him. 

I can't really see the expression on his face, even if I shift in my chair the angle is all wrong. I wonder what the two could possibly disagree about, I can't remember the last time they had an argument. Maybe exams stress is getting to Adrian as well. 

His phone vibrates between us. 

"You received a text" 

"I know" 

"Aren't you going to look at it?" 

"Nah"

"Is it from Ines?" 

"I'm not even going to ask how you know about her, you girls always know everything" 

"Do you like her?"

"She's cute" 

"But you don't like her" 

"I'm leaving in a few months" 

"You always said long distance could work"

"With the right person" 

"Is Bianca the right person?" 

"Not anymore" he turns to look at me, "She asked about me?" 

"Nah" He smiles, I can't lie very well.

"She knows about Ines?" 

"She suspects something" 

"So she mentioned me, her, Ines" 

"Perhaps" 

"She misses me?" he turns back towards the sky, "I miss her" 

"You guys could be friends" 

"We could"