Love is Not Bullshit

18⎮Saying sorry

Saying sorry is never easy, especially when it's me who has to say it. 

I've lost sight of Julian, I swear one second ago he was sitting on the corner sofa talking to some dude, and then- puff! He disappears into thin air. It's been three days since we went out to eat Thai and I still haven't had the chance to talk to him, or rather, there have been many chances and I didn't take them up. I don't know what kind of profound apology he's expecting but he could have definitely told me before that he was considering taking a gap year, instead of springing things on me. I know, I know my reaction wasn't the most optimistic. Hell, it was the exact opposite of what he needed, but in my defence I was upset he didn't confide in me earlier. 

In fact, I'm still a little upset. 

He didn't even say he was considering it, he just made his choice. Which is fine because he's all grown up and everything and he certainly doesn't need my consent but- he could have told me earlier. In a couple of months school will be over and then he'll be gone and I'll never see him again. 

Okay so maybe that is a tiny bit overdramatic because after all he hasn't planned a thing and eventually he will come back here but I just thought...

"El?" I turn around so quickly that some of the beer in my cup pours down my arm, its stickiness palpable on my already hot skin. I don't know why I'm surprised to see him in front of me, after all he's the only one who calls me El. 

"Connor hey" I move forward to hug him but then I have a moment of doubt where I don't know if I should or shouldn't hug him, but luckily he already has one arm around my waist and all I have to do is lean in. I stay glued to him for a few more seconds than strictly necessary, but it feels good to be able to hug him again. "How are you?" It wouldn't be true if I said that I haven't seen him in a while because he's in both my Chemistry and Biology classes and sometimes we still work together on projects, but it's always about school.  It feels like we haven't talked properly in a long time, and who's fault is that I wonder? 

"Holding up, school's being a bitch" I nod in agreement, recently I wake up and it's like I haven't gone to bed, I spend the first two hours of school yawning nonstop. But then in a few months it'll be different. 

"I know, can't wait till it's over" he gulps down some of his own beer and I smile remembering of some of the parties we went to together. Connor kind of transforms himself at parties, he doesn't exactly become another person but he's not afraid to have fun. He dances and sings and he's just so much fun to be with. He's not afraid to be judged, he does his own thing without worrying about the rest. He smiles back at me and I realise I don't want him to leave. I actually miss talking to him. "How was your violin recital?" 

"You didn't forget" his eyes beam under the soft light and I know I've asked the right thing. While he dives straight into the story, recalling each detail of the anticipation of the days beforehand, the adrenaline just before getting on the stage and the utter calmness he feels when he plays in front of an audience. I let his voice transport me away from the chaos of the party in a world of calmness. I'm reminded of how easy it is to hang out with him. Maybe it isn't as thrilling or exciting as spending time with Julian is but for sure it's a hell of a lot easier. All I have to do is nod and smile and Connor will keep going with his everyday stories and it's so easy to just listen to him, it's a friendship that doesn't require much effort.

"Sorry man, do you mind if I talk to Eleanor for a second?" Eleanor, he sounds so formal. After all he hasn't disappeared into thin air, he was just avoiding me. 

"Of course not" if Connor minds having being interrupted he doesn't show it and I mouth a sorry to him before moving aside to speak with Julian. We move into the foyer of the house, there are discarded jackets everywhere and I'm careful not to step upon them.