Do you believe in New Year, New Chances? New Year, New Opportunities? How about 'this year is full of luck'?
It is just another year, another day, but it is still the same life and battle. There is no such 'this is my year' in this world. There will be consistent blessing will happen in a year but of course, kakambal ng saya ang lungkot. Life will always fuck you up whatever year it is. But the catch is, it gives us lesson and as year goes by, nagiging matatag tayo.
"Brett. Please. Come on." I almost beg. He just scoop me and hug me so tight. I closed my eyes. I told myself not to cry anymore. Na tama na kasi iyon talaga. I am destined to be here, to be like this.
"Brett, please. Stop crying." our relationship taught me that we should always be there to each other. If someone is down, other must be there to lift him/her up. Sa sobrang dami na nangyari sa relasyon namin ni Brett, I can say that this one tore him into pieces.
"We will be fine, Brett. Please." I want us to enjoy but the news won't let us.
Nang nalaman ko iyon kanina ay gusto kong magwala. How unfair life to me. I thought I am fine. But no. I am still in danger. Not only me but also our baby.
"We will never know Mrs. Hernandez. Hindi makakayanan ng katawan mo ito. It's 50/50. It's either you or the baby. Kapag ipipilit natin mangyari, baka dalawa kayo ang hindi mailigtas. You just need to choose."
Parang gusto ko ibato lahat ng nakita ko kanina sa doctor. How dare her say that! I know I can make it! This is my body! Makakayan kong ilabas ang anak namin ni Brett!
I hate deciding so much. Simula noon palagi na lang may mabibigat na desisyon sa buhay ko. First was to leave Brett or stay with him. Second, between living and dying. And now, saving our child or save my own life.
We cancelled our flight to Korea and stayed at Manila for a while. Babalik kami ng isla bukas o sa makalawa. Hindi pa namin sinabi sa kanila ang balita.
Hindi makausap si Brett sa araw na iyon. It looks like the pressure is on him. Ako naman ay pilit na inaalis ang takot at pangamba sa kanya. I assured him that his baby and I will be fine! Hindi pa naman malaki ang tiyan ko at matagal pa ako manganganak. A miracle might happen again.
"Brett, please." we were lying on our bed. Kinukulong niya ako sa mga bisig niya.
"Cheer up please. Walang masamang mangyayari." pamimilit ko. I am not that strong enough like before pero alam ko sa sarili ko na makakaya ko iyon kapag dumating ang araw. Kung hindi man, I need to decide as a mother.
"You are good at hiding. If you just want to ease the pain. Better stop, Faith." sabi nito habang nakayakap pa rin sa akin. My face is buried on his chest. Ngumiti naman ako at hinayaan ang luha lumabas sa mga mata ko. Hindi naman iyon nakikita ni Brett.
"Trust me. Magiging maayos kami ng anak mo."
Kapag ina ka, wala ka ng pakialam sa sarili mo dahil gusto mo ibigay lahat para sa anak mo. I don't want to leave Brett and Blythe but at the same time I don't want to lose our child. He/She deserves to see the world, deserves to see his/her father and sister. He deserves to grow and experience living.
Brett, my parents, his parents and our closest friends were scared because of the decision I will make.
"Maayos lang ako. Kaya naman ng katawan ko." yan ang palaging rason ko sa kanila.
Honestly, I can feel weak sometimes. But I never told Brett about it. I overslept because I feel tired kahit walang ginagawa. I lost my appetite too.
As months pass by, the baby inside me forming. Bawal akong magpa ultrasound because of the radiation.
I am seven months pregnant already. And Brett is ten times careful with me. Umaga hanggang gabi ay palagi siyang na sa tabi ko. Kumuha siya ng maid para magbantay at maghatid kay Blythe sa paaralan. Our parents always checking on me.
"Brett, bumili tayo ng mga gamit ni baby." aya ko. Tiningnan niya lang ako.
They never talked about the baby. Para silang nagde-desisyon na ako ang bubuhayin. I wanted to hate them for doing it. Brett caressing my bump every night. Minsan ay umiiyak siya habang hinahaplos lang ito.
"Wag na muna, Faith. Magpahinga ka na lang muna. Meron ka pang check up sa Sabado." he said and forced a smile.
They never asked me about my decision so I never told mine to them.
"Brett. I don't want to lose our baby." sabi ko sa kanya isang gabi.
"You can't expect me to watch you losing your life too, Faith." naningkit naman ang mga mata ko sa kanya.
"See? Lumabas rin." his brows shot up. "What do you want then? Save me and lose our child?! Brett! Anak mo ito!" sigaw ko sa kanya. Galing sa laptop niya ay napatingin siya sa akin. Kahit si Blythe na naglalaro sa gilid ay napatingin dahil sa pag sigaw ko.
"And your decision came out too! I know what is running in your mind Faith!" he defended. Tumayo ito para lumapit sa akin.
I am a mother. I will do everything to save my child! Nang naging ina ako, ang pagmamahal ko para sa sarili ko ay wala na. Lahat lahat ibubuhos ko para sa anak ko.
"Simula ng nalaman natin ang balita ay naging iba na ang kilos mo! You always want to buy clothes to our baby! And you want to spend more time with us! You will going cruel again, Faith?" his face turned red. Tumayo naman si Blythe at dahan-dahang lumabas ng kwarto namin ni Brett.
"Brett, pleaese. Don't be selfish. This is our child. This is yours. Let our child live." since that night, he became aloof with me. My decision is already spilled out. Nasabi ko na sa kanya at iyon ang kinagagalit niya.
He is hurt. He is mad. He wants to buy his time so I gave it to him.
I'm eight months pregnant at meron akong check up. Not only for my pregnancy and the baby, but also with my health. The doctors are monitoring me and my body if this still functions well. Gusto ko namang matawa. Ayaw ko na pinapahiwatig nila na pinapatay ako unti-unti ng sarili kong anak.
"Blythe, tara na." naging aburido naman si Brett. Lahat ng bagay sa bahay ay kinaiinisan na niya. I just let him.
Binuksan niya naman kami ni Blythe ng pinto ng sasakyan. He held me as I went inside his car.
"Tatay, hindi ba ako pwedeng sumama sa ospital?" tanong ni Blythe but he never answered.
"Brett, tinatanong ka ng bata." mahinanong sabi ko.
"Tatay, masama ba pakiramdam mo?"
"No."
Hinatid naman muna namin si Blythe sa Inn bago pumunta ng ospital. Kinamusta naman ako muna ni Mommy Veronica. I never let anyone interfere in my decision. Even Brett.
"Mommy, aalis na kami. Susunduin na lang namin si Blythe mamaya." paalam ko. Humalik naman si Blythe sa amin ni Brett bago bumalik sa loob ng Inn.
The whole time we were at elevator and while on our way to hospital, nakatitig lang ako kay Brett. I can feel that he is close enough to break down.
"I don't want to lose our child too." biglang sabi niya.
I pressed my both lips and stared straightly.
"I know, Brett. That's why we'll fight. We can do this both." it's dangerous. Walang kasiguraduhan kung maliligtas kaming dalawa ng anak namin o hindi. If we will choose between me and our children, meron pang assurance na isa sa amin mabubuhay. But if I push to save us both, it's either successful or not.
"Then, why?" he asked. A tear fell down from his eyes. Mabilis ko namang inabot ang pisngi niya para punasan iyon. "Faith, I can't. Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari kung dalawa kayong mawawala sa akin!"
We just need to trust Him, Brett. We just need to put our faith on Him.
