sirius black x reader oneshots

Sixty-Nine (oh god)

   So hey. Chapter 69. Shit. I know y'all are expecting something... intense. Maybe even smut. The latter should just stop reading, cause there's no way in hell, heaven, or purgatory that I'm writing smut.
   But this is chapter 69. This has to be good. So, without further ado, I present this chapter—not filled with smut and makeouts, no—filled with misinterpreted scenes and "that's what she said"s.
   Enjoy...

     "Put it in! Goddammit, put it in!" You moaned.
     "It won't... fit!" Sirius grunted.
     "Yes it will! Push it in if you have to!" You yelled.
     "I'm trying!"

     "Really? In the kitchen?" Remus frowned.
     "I'm gonna go interrupt at them," James laughed gleefully.
     "James!" Hissed Peter.
     "What?"
     "Don't... look!"
     "Oh, calm down, Pete. It'll be fine."

     "Oy! You two! Fun's over!" James burst into the room. You and Sirius looked up, confused. Your back was up against the drawer, while Sirius tried shoving the baking equipment back in. You pushed against it.
     "Fun? You think this is fun?"
     "It's torture! It won't goddamn close!" You snarled.
     "Oh. Uh, well... in that case..." James shifted uncomfortably.
     Your eyes narrowed.
     "Why, James? What did you think we were doing?"
     "Um. That? Oh, nothing!"
     You looked at Sirius. He looked back, smirking.
     "Something like... oh, I don't know... this?" Sirius pulled you away from the drawer, pushed you up against the wall, and started kissing you passionately. James gagged.
     "Yes, okay? Yes! Now cut it the bloody hell out! It's disgusting!"
     Sirius pulled away, laughing.
     "Never, ever do that again!"
     Sirius grinned cheekily.
     "Sorry mate, no promises."

~<•>~

"It's so big," you gaped.
"It's huge!" Lily's mouth was open in shock.
"Guys! I told you not to objectify my genitals!" Sirius whined, wrapping his arms around you from behind.
"Sirius we're talking about this Quidditch Pitch in the Prophet! Not... you know!" You frowned, annoyed.
"Whatever."

~<•>~

OHMYGOD GUYS I HAD AN IDEA
SO IDK HOW MANY OF YOU WATCH THE OFFICE BUT I CAME UP WITH THE BRILLIANT IDEA TO USE SCENES FROM THE OFFICE BUT REPLACE THE CHARACTERS WITH THE MARAUDERS N SHIT!! LIKE HERE'S MY FIRST EXAMPLE ENJOY!!!!

"Attention everyone!" Sirius strolled into Transfiguration with McGonagall at his side.
"Hello?" He glared at some Gryffindors that weren't looking.
"Uh, yes! I just want you to know... that, uh, this is not my decision, but... from here on out, we can no longer be friends."
Some kids looked around, confused. You frowned over at James. Sirius took a breath.
"And... when we talk about things here, we must only discuss school-associated things. And... uh... we can consider this my retirement from comedy." James gaped at his best friend.
"In the future, if I want to say something funny, or... witty, or do an impression, I will no longer–ever–do any of those things." Your eyebrows furrowed.
"Does that include... 'That's What She Said?'" You asked cautiously.
Sirius nodded painfully.
"Mhm."
Oh, it's my lucky day.
"Wow, that is really... hard," You frowned sympathetically. Sirius clenched his jaw.
"You really think you can go all day long?" You questioned. Sirius stared daggers at the back wall. James smirked.
"Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so..." You sighed. James grinned at his friend.
McGonagall was staring at Sirius. He was completely silent. Then,
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" He blurted. She deflated, her eyes rolling. Sirius cracked up.
"Sirius. Sirius!"
He continued laughing. You smiled proudly,
"Come on!" He guffawed, tears in his eyes.
"Sirius, please!" McGonagall sighed, exasperated.
"There he is!" James chuckled.
She pushed him out the door, but not before he could blow a kiss to the class.
Everyone laughed, waving as he went.

"You would've done the same, you just didn't think of it first!" Sirius scoffed once in McGonagall's Office.
"S-Sirius, please, I really... that's not my sense of humor."
"Really? Wait... so I'm not in trouble?"
McGonagall sighed.

You sat next to Sirius and the boys.
"I am so used to being the bad boy... I am so used to fighting Hogwarts, that I forget that I am Hogwarts. I'm a student. They hook me up with an education, to protect me." He sighed. "You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems."

Sorry I just wanted to see if that worked and it was so fun to write lololol (Michael: Sirius, Jan: McGonagall, Jim: You, Packer: James)

~<•>~

   No joke my little sister said this...

     You sat contently next to Sirius in the Great Hall when a small first year boy nervously cleared his throat.
     "Yes?" You politely acknowledged him.
     "Um, well, you see–"
     "Spit it out, mate!" Sirius frowned.
     You glared at your boyfriend and turned your attention back to the little boy.
     "Yeah?"
     "Well, my friends and I are a bit confused."
     "With what?"
     Sirius rolled his eyes and brought his goblet to his lips.
     "I mean... isn't ketchup a condom?"
     Sirius choked on his pumpkin juice. You clamped your mouth shut to avoid any giggles from escaping.
     "Actually..." your voice wavered. You slapped Sirius's back, as he was having a coughing fit while smothering his own laughter. "Ketchup is a condiment. You were, uh, close... though."
     "Oh! Okay, thanks!" The kid smiled innocently and scampered off to his part of the table. As soon as he was out of earshot, Sirius burst out laughing.
      "I can't! Oh my god... Merlin's balls, aha! Is ketchup a condiment, oh my god!" He cracked up.
     You rolled your eyes, but not before you snorted with laughter.
     "He's just a kid, Sirius. He doesn't know what a condom is!"
     "It's still bloody hilarious! Ahh..." he sighed, the humor never leaving his silvery eyes.
     "I hate you sometimes, you know that?"
     "No! Hate me? Doubtful."
     You sighed in annoyance.
     "Love you, Darling."
     "Love you, too," you mumbled. He grinned.

~<•>~

"Hey. So... you know that project we have due in History Magic tomorrow?"
"Um... Yes. Yes I do," Sirius spoke unconvincingly. You narrowed your eyes.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Well then, who did you do?"
"Who did I do? Want me to make a list, sweetheart?"
You frowned, confused, until what he said dawned on you.
"You bloody pig!" He laughed at your outburst.
"Just for that, I'm not doing it."
His eyes widened in alarm.
"Wait! No! Please! I'll do anything!"
"That's what I thought."
There was a pause.
"...But do you want that list, or–"
"Sirius Orion Black!"
"I'm just asking!"

~<•>~

TA DA! Hope y'all enjoyed that lol
So... if anyone has Requests for this book or my Multi-Fandom book, please comment here!! I really want to write more, I must have bad writer's block. It happens to the best of us.
Anyway, check out that book for the list of characters I do (there are a bunch lol) and just write a character that's not on the list to see if I'll make an exception.
Remember to vote, drop a comment, and share with your Dirty Fanficfion Loving Friends™️.
Have a great night (or morning) lovelies :)))

   ALSO!!! A NEW FAST FORWARD CHAPTER IS ON IT'S WAY ~> 600 WORDS IN, IT'LL BE PUBLISHED SOON I PROMISE!!!