How to be Visible

Chapter 29

Tears fell from my eyes in drops and in time, they fell like rain. I was in pain. Some might say crying over a situation like this made no sense.

Here's the thing, I was so sad because this girl was meant to be my constant. The best friend I could run back to when all other friends let me down. What hurt was that my constant turned out to be a constant alright, a constant source of pain.

I felt broken.

'There is a friend that sticks closer to a brother'.

Those words came swiftly into my heart.

Now now, I had gone to church for as long as I could remember and all though I kinda ditched my faith recently, I wondered where the words came from.

So many people said they heard God speak to them but I just assumed that it was probably through the Bible not directly. I looked up at Brittney. She still looked at me with pity and some tears had started to fall from her eyes.

"Did you just say anything?" I asked her, just to be sure.

She shook her head, no.

Okay, so that happened.

I got up and left the room. I walked to the balcony that overlooked the city. I needed some air and some alone time. The boys were no longer in the living room. That was a good thing. I did not want them to see me like this.

I quietly opened the balcony doors and the fresh air hit my face. I suddenly appreciated nature. I shut the door behind me and sat down on the floor, leaning my back on the railings. I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them then I started thinking again. About everything.

I needed to talk to someone. My mom. I should talk to her. Nope. That would just cancel all my contacts with Jess and Jess didn't know that I knew.

I would have called Jess now but unfortunately, she was the cause of my sorrow. It only made me wonder how long she had been fake. When did the lying start?

My mom would always say "We will not always be alive for you to run back to when you have problems Rita, but whenever you're sad and out, talk to God, he listens."

In that moment, I realized that I never went to church for my sake. I never lived holy or pure because I wanted to. I did it all because that was what my parents and their friends expected from me. I didn't really have a relationship with God. If my mum was pretty serious when she said that God helped her through her toughest times, then maybe I'd as well give him a try.

"Dear God..." I chuckled as I started my dialogue. I started the conversation like this because this was how I was taught to pray.

"I... I'm really in a mess right now. I know I haven't been the most committed person you know but hey, you knew all along that I wasn't really serious. Is that why you put me through this? To make me realize that I needed you?..."

But then again, I was the one that blindly walked into the trap. I messed my self up. Now I was blaming God? Okay, I think I understand how he felt if the whole world kept on blaming him for the wrong things in their lives.

Miss word on the street was right. It was a matter of choice.

"... Okay so maybe I did these things to myself but you could have warned me..."

The dreams flashed across my mind. I didn't tell anyone about them. I just let them go. That was probably a warning. But it wasn't clear enough. I just felt like crying. I was tired of this war between my self and my self. I wanted out. There were two options.

Jump down from this balcony and die, but that would be totally stupid because no circumstance was valid enough for us to take our lives. No circumstance. Plus I was perfectly sure that I'd go to hell if I did that.